Movie Report: "Miracle on 34th Street"

See, I'm not a complete holiday cynic!

Because this movie is for the believers. The people who still think there can be miracles, and believe in magic, and get a thrill from twinkle lights and new-fallen snow.

This 1947 classic hinges on faith, love, and the wisdom of simple things. And it has, like a lot of post-WWII movies, the idea that maybe children have the right idea about how the world should be, because adults have just mucked it up.

Speaking of mucking things up, I do have to point out that you should either watch the *original,* black-and-white version of this movie, or don't watch it at all. Ted Turner will burn in the special hell for putting his crayons on this film. Colorized movies .... grrrrr ....

Maureen O'Hara gets to play a no-nonsense working single mother 30 years before they were chic, and Natalie Wood handles the key role of Susan with gravity and sweetness. But it's Edmund Gwenn who steals the show (and won a much-deserved Oscar) as Kris Kringle. Without his gentle performance full of humor and charm, "Miracle" would have been quickly-forgotten fluff.

Weird trivia: William Frawley (Fred on "I Love Lucy") has small roles in both this and "It's a Wonderful Life," probably the two best-known holiday films ever.

I believe ... I believe. It's silly, but I believe.

Movie Report: "A Christmas Story"

You'll shoot your eye out!

C'mon -- you had to know I was going to include this one!

I used to think it's because I'm from the Midwest that I relate to this movie so much -- something about the whole look of the film, from the old houses to the rustbucket cars and slush on the streets, reminds me of home. But seeing as TBS can sell advertising to run this 1983 flick for 24 hours straight, I know it's not just a Midwest thing.

Do I even need to give you a rundown of the plot? Because seriously, if you haven't seen this movie, there is something *seriously* wrong with you. Seek help.

Nostalgic, funny and charming, Ralphie's yearning for a Red Ryder BB gun is the eternal quest of every kid wishing for the perfect Christmas, and every parent who wants to give that perfect Christmas to their child.

This is, flat-out, one of the best Christmas movies ever made, and it will always hold a special place in my heart.

It was Christmas 2003. My father had died a month before, which meant I was still reeling and as far from the Christmas spirit as you could get. Part of me wanted to chuck the whole holiday altogether.

Realizing that Christmas day was going to be sad and strange, and that nothing was going to feel like it should, my husband and I decided to mix it up a bit. Instead of having a big, awkward holiday dinner and feeling lonely, we picked up my mom and went cruising for an open Chinese restaurant. The holidays, "Christmas Story" style. Dad would have loved it, and it opened the door to let us smile a little.

I just wish I could have conned the waiter into singing.

Movie Report: "The Long Kiss Goodnight"

So help me, I liked Geena Davis as an action star. I even liked "Cutthroat Island."

I can't believe I just admitted that in public.

But knowing that, is it any surprise that I not only own this underrated 1996 movie, I count it among my holiday flicks?

Because it doesn't have to be warm and fuzzy to be Christmassy. Yeah, "Kiss" is cheesy and chock full of action movie cliches, including the ever-popular exploding windshields, but it's got snappy, funny dialogue, Samuel L. Jackson (which ratchets most movies up at least two points) and everyone seems to be having such a good time that the viewers do too.

Davis plays a schoolteacher with amnesia, whose forgotten black-book past comes back to haunt her. Jackson is the low-rent hood turned private dick trying to help her find out who she is.

If this movie were made today, it would be a $200 million big-budget show with Angelina Jolie in the lead. And while she could pull off the icy assassin with ease, I think she'd have a lot of trouble with the "frumpy schoolteacher" part of the role. Jackson would still be the borderline immortal Mitch -- no one else could do the role justice.

Fun, turn-your-brain-off action with a healthy sprinkle of Christmas carols and big red bows. Don't try to make it make sense -- just kick back and enjoy the ride.

We just jumped out of a building!

Yes, it was very exciting. Tomorrow we go to the zoo.

Movie Report: "Christmas Vacation"

You know you're getting old when you remember when Chevy Chase was funny.

And he's on in this 1989 movie, which has been one of my holiday favorites since it was released. Chase's Clark Griswold is a sweet, lovable Everyman. He just wants the best for his family and takes everything far too far.

In a charming script written by John Hughes (and I'm a child of the '80s, which means I like John Hughes' movies) Clark and his family have "an old-fashioned Griswold family Christmas," which means that everything from picking a tree to Christmas dinner will be a complete disaster. Add in yuppie neighbors, annoying in-laws and the drop-in guest from hell (Randy Quaid as Cousin Eddie) and it is slapsticky, increasingly outrageous and full of heart and old-fashioned appeal. I even like the cheesy animated opening credits.

A wrap-around plotline of Clark worrying about his holiday bonus is mostly filler, but has a few good moments. This is not a movie one watches for the in-depth story.

Watching it again, I was impressed by how few dick and fart jokes there were. Sure, there were some, but for the most part, "Christmas Vacation" doesn't go for the cheapest of the cheap laughs -- they're too easy. At almost 20 years old, the laughs in this movie are as fresh and funny as when it first appeared -- how many of today's comedies are going to be able to top that?

Something to watch for -- the last film appearance by Mae Questel, who was the voice of Betty Boop in the 1930s.

It's not Christmas without "Christmas Vacation."

Movie Report: "The Ref"

So like I've said, I keep a list of things I need to review for the three of you who read this blog. (And I love all three of you!)

And every time I think I'm catching up, I spend a few days at home, or I watch a whole bunch of stuff at once, or I just don't feel like blogging for a day or ten. And my short list is a page long. Again.

So that's happened again, damn it all. But since I'm going to feel silly reviewing Christmas movies in the middle of January, I'm skipping ahead some. You're just gonna have to wait a bit for my eloquent musings about "Happy Feet."

I know it's tough, but try to buck up, little campers.

Just like there are movies I *must* watch every Halloween, there are movies I *must* watch every Christmas season. I can skip the egg nog, I only use candy canes for decoration, but if it's Christmas, I'm watching holiday movies. And this 1994 comedy was first into the DVD player.

A burglar is forced to take a bickering, disfunctional couple hostage on Christmas Eve. When the delinquent son and horrid in-laws show up, he's got to referee the fights, solve their problems and save Christmas -- suddenly twenty years in the slammer doesn't sound so bad.

You've got Denis Leary and Kevin Spacey -- hard to go wrong there. The movie's just funny as hell, and it's got classic line after classic line.

You know what I'm going to get you next Christmas, Mom? A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it.

And it reminds me of what a lot of real holiday gatherings are like -- you're trapped, it's messy, troubled and full of hurt feelings, misunderstandings and people you're related to but don't particularily like.

Because what family doesn't have the crazy aunt trying to "find herself"? The delinquent kid? The couple who *hate* one another and are always fighting? The old bat/bastard everyone secretly despises?

Christmas ... a hostage situation. With pie.

/em looks around ... OK, maybe it's just me. But you can't tell me I'm the only one whose family discussed anti-depressant dosages, forced surrogate parenting or child abduction at Thanksgiving.

I am? ... Damnit.

Oh well -- my family's not big on the gathering in one place anymore, anyway. It's not good for the cosmic balance.

If the holidays make you a little crazy, try this movie. At least you'll know you're not alone.

TV Report: Elizabeth I

What would TV be without the premium channels?? A sad, dull little place.

Because this HBO miniseries is mad brilliant -- at least the first half.

Helen Mirren's queen is passionate, troubled and intense. It's been a good few years for Mirren and queens -- she's an Oscar favorite for playing another English Queen Elizabeth.

Elizabeth was in an impossible situation -- marry an Englishman, and the other nobles will reject one of their own being raised to such a high position. Marry France, and piss off Spain (and the English). Marry Spain, and piss off France (and the English). Her only option was to sacrifice herself for her throne.

The miniseries does a fine job of portraying Elizabeth's personal struggles, while glossing over most of the politics. Jeremy Irons as Robert Dudley was perfect -- old friends, old lovers -- he and Elizabeth were comfortable with one another. They fit. You could feel why she felt so betrayed when he wed, or why he was so hurt and angry when she courted the Duke of Anjou. They couldn't be with the person they loved, and they couldn't stand to see them with anyone else.

When Dudley leaves the scene is when the miniseries falters. Hugh Dancy was terrible as the Earl of Essex, Dudley's stepson and the queen's late-life paramour. He was oily and false, and his flattery and proclamations of love rang as silly as someone romancing their grandma. I couldn't see Elizabeth being taken in by this guy to the point of endangering her kingdom -- I could see her turning him over her knee and spanking the shit out the little twerp, because that's what I wanted to do. And his boyhood rivalry with Robert Cecil seemed like something out of a bad BBC soap.

Now, if they had gotten Jude Law to play Essex, I might have gone for that. But poor Mirren was left to carry the second half of the series completely on her own, and it was almost too much of a burden for anyone.

Movie Report: Collateral

I can forget all the Scientology and Katie nonsense when Tom Cruise actually tries to ... you know, act.

And films like this 2004 character study totally make up for at least 10 TomKat news reports. But not those stupid bangs he had in his wedding picture. Those were just wrong.

Anyway ...

Movies like this live or die on the strength of the actor's performances. No one in this movie disappoints. Jamie Foxx proves he's one of the best actors of his generation as a troubled, emotionally-stunted cab driver chasing dreams he's never going to realize. Cruise is calculating and professional as a killer on a deadline. He doesn't rationalize what he does, he just does it. And you can feel the power just beneath the surface ... a tiger on a tight leash. Jada Pinkett Smith has a thankless, throwaway role as the prosecutor who connects with Foxx's Max, but she at least tries.

Max does some exceptionally stupid stunts over the course of the evening, but you can see what he's thinking ... and on the edge of panic, some of those things probably sounded pretty smart. I found myself cheering for Vincent, though -- yeah, he's a heartless bastard, but you couldn't help liking him for it. He was completely honest about what he was.

And the scene with the jazz club owner ... damn, that's cold.

The only thing I didn't like was the ending -- I saw it coming from a mile away. Weak.

Manga Report: Ai Yori Aoshi 13

Hey, whatya know? There's a plot in here after all!

Tina invites the entire gang to visit her hometown in Japan, Kyushu, which is known for its hot springs.

Yeah, yeah, hot springs, manga ... there's gonna be fan service. A lot of it. It's pretty much non-stop fan service, in fact.

But if you can look past "Ooh, lets take a bath together! Giggle! Boobs!" there's a story here.

Aoi gets a little bolder and ends up in a romantic bath with Kaoru -- which is interrupted by Chika and her friends barging in. Chika hasn't admitted to her friends that Kaoru isn't her boyfriend yet ... because she wishes he was.

I can't get into this storyline, because I find Chika and her friends so amazingly useless. Once again, all they do is spoil something sweet.

The bigger deal is Mayu confronting Tina, her arch-rival. Mayu not only knows Tina's going back to America, she knows Tina's in love with Kaoru -- and she calls her out on her cowardice for not dealing with either issue.

Funny how the biggest rivals are also the best friends. They know each other better than anyone else can.

But things get uncomfortable when the group splits up to visit Kyushu's sights. Not only does poor Mayu get stuck with Chika and her friends, Tina corners Kaoru and asks him to take her on a date -- and treat her like she's his girlfriend.

In the abandoned remains of her elementary school, Tina's ready to reveal her heart ... and possibly a lot more.

Movie Report: "The Forgotten"

This 2004 movie almost got forgotten in the depths of my DV-R -- it had been hanging out there for months before I got around to watching it.

Julianne Moore, who usually has a good sense for scripts, plays a woman who can't get over the death of her young son.

OK, it's a grieving yuppie flick of the "I sit in my Range Rover and sip Starbucks and bemoan my terrible fate" variety. I consider seeing what's on Cartoon Network.

Eh, I hate "Ed, Edd and Eddy." Back to the movie.

About 10 minutes later, I'm thinking "grieving yuppie" is veering into "yuppie struggles with mental illness." OK, that could be more interesting, and now there's Gary Sinise, so that's cool.

Then Moore shows up on the doorstep of an alcoholic ex-hockey player, rips up his wallpaper and tells him he has a kid he doesn't remember. The funny thing is that not only does he not kick her out when he realizes he's not gonna score, he ends up buying this story and goes on the run with her.

Who are they on the run from? The NSA. Why does the NSA care? I don't know -- maybe dead kids are in the Patriot Act somewhere.

Then the movie makes a left turn right into "The X-Files."

I enjoyed the whole people getting sucked into the sky bit and the story was interesting, if pretty implausible. (Gary Sinise's big "revelation" killed it for me.) What I really didn't like was the ending -- it felt tacked on, it didn't fit the dark feel of the rest of the story and I have a feeling some lame studio executive said "make it happier!"

Not the best movie I've seen lately, but it was better than an "Ed, Edd and Eddy" marathon.

Comic Report: Runaways: Teenage Wasteland

Our would-be heroes have a secret base -- in a "Lost Boys" style hotel that's been heavily damaged by earthquakes. I kept expecting Kiefer Sutherland to round the corner.

But they're still on the run -- and due to the machinations of their parents, they're wanted for kidnapping and murder. So the superhero gig has to be put aside for more immediate concerns -- they need food, money, and they need to stay under the radar.

Along the way, they pick up a new recruit -- but really, is a convenience store stick-up the best place to find friends? I think they showed their inexperience here.

But there's a mole in the group -- and he/she is feeding information to The Pride. And what is Alex more concerned with -- keeping his team together, or keeping the new guy from kissing his girl?

An extended guest appearance by Cloak and Dagger (when was the last time you saw them?) and an impressive display by Molly (call her Princess Powerful!) cap off a fun story with "Buffy" style appeal.

Stay tuned -- I've already purchased Vol. 3.

Comic Report: The Very Best of Marvel

Another Half Price Books find, this 1991 graphic novel has a selection of Marvel's famed writers and artists picking their favorite stories.

The FF vs. Doom, Daredevil vs. Namor, The X-Men vs. Magneto -- for the most part these are classic smackdowns. A Fantastic Four story focusing on The Thing offers a nice counterpoint, and an early Spider-Man story where he crashes a party and battles the Human Torch is just fun.

A redone origin for Thor was a nice historic issue, but I'll stick with the Norse god version. But all all good, solid stories. Of course they are -- they're the "very best"!

A nice peek into Marvel's past.

You Knit What? It's a Bloody Mess

Nothing says high fashion like a sweater shell that looks like it was knit out of strips of bloody paper towels.

Want to recycle? Wear bloody paper towels. Want to make a political statement? Bloody paper towels. Want clothing that is both scratchy and hideous?

Is there nothing bloody paper towels can't do?

And if you're wondering about what to wear with your plasma-drenched masterpiece, you can always go for the blood scarf, which is knitted from medical tubing filled with ... well, you know where this is going.

So what's worse -- the bloody sweater, or the plight of this poor woman, who has been coerced by some Bridezilla into knitting *legwarmers* out of the nasty stuff. For the bridesmaids to wear at the wedding. At the outdoor wedding that's being held in Missouri. In December.

That will be the classiest wedding since Britney Spears humped some guy's leg in Vegas.

If you really want to knit this -- and if you do, send me a picture -- you can find the shell pattern here.

Comic Report: The Big Fat Kill (Sin City, Book 3)

Guns, lovers, losers and surprises ... damn I love Sin City.

If you've seen the movie "Sin City" (and if you haven't go watch it today) you've seen this story -- Dwight comes back to town with a new face and a murder rap hanging over his head. A run-in with a drunken abusive boyfriend leads to a lot more trouble than he needs.

We get to see some old friends again -- Gail, Shellie, Manute, and of course, deadly little Miho, who I just *adore.* One question -- where do Gail and Miho keep all those weapons in those outfits?

I love the idea of Old Town -- a distinct switch from the "women as victim" cliche. They'll kiss you or kill you -- and you'll love every minute of it. Dwight's keeping the demon in him in check ... but just barely. Irish terrorists and a showdown in a dinosaur graveyard add a surreal element.

Smoking action and art and prose that blend into a narrative written with gunpowder and blood -- the Sin City stories keep building into a dark world you can lose yourself in.

Manga Report: Boogiepop Doesn't Laugh 1

Boogiepop may be a powerful shinigami sent to protect a school plagued by a serial killer -- or he may be Keiji's girlfriend. The girls disappearing from school may be running away to bright lights and big cities -- or they could be the prey of a cannibalistic sexual predator who may or may not be dead. And is that girl a superhero?

A dreamlike story skips through a dizzying array of perspectives, time elements and narrators. Boogiepop raises some interesting questions, but ultimately, there are far more questions than answers.

Comic Report: Colosuss: God's Country

Can you tell I'm on a serious comic kick lately?

Another Half Price Books find, I read this 1994 graphic novel after finishing The Death of Captain Marvel. Wow -- what a difference.

Peter, on vacation from the X-Men, heads into American's heartland for a little state fair action -- you know, get an elephant ear and a corndog, see the butter sculptures, fight an group of crazed anti-terrorists turned domestic terrorists ... the usual.

In typical "WE'VE GOT A MESSAGE" fashion, the writing beats the reader about the head and shoulders with its glasnost, "we're really not that different from each other" theme, culminating in a bizarre, "Red Dawn" meets "Night of the Living Dead" siege in a Kansas farmhouse.

Colossus is protecting a family from the generic "we used to be good guys, but now we're batshit crazy" villains, and I kept wondering three things: Why the annoying husband wouldn't just shut the hell up; why no one was punching said annoying husband in the mouth; and why didn't Colossus just march outside and go all ... Colossus on the bad guys.

Yeah, yeah, got to hide the mutant power and all, but you knew he was gonna do it *some time*, and if he had just gotten it over with he'd have saved everyone a lot of trouble.

Comic Report: The Death of Captain Marvel

A find at the local Half Price Books (what a marvelous store) this 1982 publication is the very first graphic novel ever made by Marvel -- history with pictures.

And what a way to start a new medium. A powerful, emotional story has the Kree captain turned cosmic hero facing a foe he can't defeat.

This was my introduction to Mar-Vell, but the strong writing hooked me almost instantly. Comics are a genre where death is taken far too lightly -- almost *everyone* has kicked it at least once, and generally, it's not that big of a deal. That's one of the genre's major failings, in my opinion. (And in the name of pie, leave Jean Grey in her grave!!!)

But this time, it was treated with the respect and seriousness it deserves. From Mar-Vell's anguish at leaving the woman he loves, to Rick Jones demanding answers from the world's heroes about why they haven't turned their collective genius to really saving people, this story was deep and deftly done. And when one of Mar-Vell's greatest foes arrives to give him a chance to die like a warrior ... pass the Kleenex.

Movie Report: "Ultimate Avengers 2"

Another animated Avengers flick, this 2006 offering has the gang helping Black Panther fight aliens invading Wakanda.

I like these movies because they don't tone it down for the kiddies. There's blood, there's death, there are real problems. Wasp and Giant Man's marriage *isn't* working out. Bruce Banner has to deal with the mess the Hulk made in the first movie. Thor may or may not help -- he's got god issues.

There are variations from some of the comic history you may know -- the elders council of Wakanda deserved a smack in the teeth. The action is top notch, though, even if it borrowed a bit much from "War of the Worlds." I like the movie's takes on Cap and Iron Man -- Tony, in particular, is much more likeable than the low-rent Hitler he's been in comics lately. It was especially nice to see the War Machine armor he dons after his Iron Man suit is damaged. But did he have to hit on someone at a wake?

One big issue: If you're gonna have Nick Fury look like Samuel L. Jackson, and act like Samuel L. Jackson, get Samuel L. Jackson to do the voice! It would have cost more than whatever no-name was in the part, but if they had asked nicely, I'm sure he would have given the producers a hand.

Comic Report: Runaways: Pride and Joy

When I heard that Joss Whedon is going to be taking over Runaways, I knew I would add it to my pull list. I'll read anything Whedon writes. Or is vaguely associated with. I am an official Whedon fangirl. "The Serenity Phone Book"? Sign me up!

But it never hurts to be familiar with the backstory of a comic that you're jumping into, especially if its been running for awhile. Thanks to Marvel for releasing the Runaways back issues in handy manga-sized trades.

Six kids from the L.A. privileged set find out their parents are really mass-murdering supervillains. Yeah, you thought your parents were bad. What else is there to do but run away from home and fight evil?

The characters fit into stereotypical roles -- the jock, the goth girl, the outsider, the cute kid, the peacenik and the brain -- but they're appealing and are quickly developing their own personalities. The story, which deals with the kids learning about their powers and having their first confrontation with their parents, is witty and well-paced.

Now their dealing with being runaways, being hunted by their parents and the vast network they control *and* learning how to be super -- do you take a codename? Do you make a costume? And who's getting dinner?

A preliminary attraction between Alex and Nico has real story potential. And Molly could develop into quite the scene-stealer -- once the other kids stop trying to hide everything from her.

Overall, this was fun with a bit of "Buffy" appeal. I'll be a regular reader.

Movie Report: Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

I keep a list of all the things I need to review for you, most glorious readers. And I'm almost caught up! Go me!

"Borat" is so, so foul. It is so, so wrong. And it is so, so funny.

I've been a fan of Sasha Baron Cohen since "Da Ali G Show" was on HBO. (Check out the Ali G movie!)

"Borat" pushes the bounds of decency and good taste -- and then gleefully crosses them. There are parts that are horrifying in their lack of taste (the wrestling scene) -- but I was too busy laughing to be offended.

I have no sympathy for all the people suing and complaining about their portrayals in the movie. People let Cohen get away with stupid shit as Borat because he's "foreign." Because they think none of their friends will see them like this. Because it doesn't matter. And unfortunately, maybe because that's they way they really think.

There's a Borat bit in "Ali G" (not seen in the movie) where he gets an entire bar full of people in Arizona to sing a "traditional" Kazak folk song that recites different ways to kill all the Jews. And they do it. No one stops him and tells him that's hateful, or bigoted. They sing along.

The sad thing is, you can't fix stupid. "Borat" holds a mirror up to America, and we don't always like what we see.

Some of the "Borat" bits are obviously set-ups -- do you think he could have done that to Pamela Anderson without her bodyguards kicking his ass? Or that bears are common items for purchase? So yes, it has a *healthy* dose of fiction in its "reality." No more so than most reality shows on TV.

One warning -- if you've got problems with shaky camera work, like I do, you might want to pop an anti-nausea pill before you go. The production values are "authentic Kazak" -- which means they suck. It was appropriate for the film, but by the end, I was getting a little queasy. Or maybe it was the wrestling scene that sent me over the edge. Who knows?

Anime Report: Outlaw Star (Collection 1)

A bouncy space adventure, "Outlaw Star" is often compared to the masterful "Cowboy Bebop." But while "Bebop" has a gritty, noir feel, "Outlaw Star" is more "Indiana Jones."

Gene Starwind (who has a tendency to answer anything he doesn't like with a heartfelt "BITE ME!") is a self-proclaimed outlaw on a backwater planet. He thinks he's a fighter and a ladies man, but really, he's kind of a schlub. The best thing he's got going for him is his caster gun -- an antique that mixes science and sorcery. Good luck finding more bullets. It's Gene's uptight kid partner, Jim Hawking, who keeps them fed and alive.

An encounter with a lovely space pirate gets them off the planet and in possession of Malfina, an android with a mysterious past. The pirate -- Hot Ice Hilda -- is looking for a special ship that is able to reach a treasure hidden in the Galactic Leyline.

One thing about Hilda, who I really like. In her first appearance, she's trying to act all sweet and innocent. We were watching the English dub, and the first thing I thought was "That's the voice of Kusanagi. (Ghost in the Shell) She's *got* to be up to no good." Funny how things like that will influence you.

The first two discs deal with finding the ship, which is christened the Outlaw Star. Malfina starts showing how special she is -- she bonds with the ship's fussy A.I. and is also the key which makes the ship operate. Gene befriends the mysterious assassin Suzuka, who is twice as cool as he is; and the arms dealer Fred Lee, who's a screaming stereotype, albeit a funny one.

They also pick up a bunch of enemies -- a clan of mysterious space pirates, a hyperactive killer catgirl and MacDougall, who I haven't figured out yet. Now they're all chasing the Outlaw Star as it heads in search of adventure, treasure and lots and lots of money to pay all their back debts.

Comic Report: Nextwave: Agents of H.A.T.E. Volume 1: This Is What They Want

That's a whole lot of colons in that title!

Nextwave was recommended as one of the best comics I wasn't reading by a bunch of people at a forum I read daily and Nate, my favorite guy at Comic Carnival. So many recommendations were probably wrong, but I picked up the first trade anyway. (Yea for a nice hardcover with a dust jacket!)

I'm going to copy the amazon.com product description, because I can't put it any better than this:

The Highest Anti-Terrorism Effort, or H.A.T.E. (a subsidiary of the Beyond Corporation) put Nextwave together to fight Bizarre Weapons of Mass Destruction. When Nextwave discovers that H.A.T.E. and Beyond© are terrorist cells themselves, and that the BWMDs were intended to kill them, they are less than pleased. In fact, they are rather angry. So they make things explode. Lots of things. Starring Monica Rambeau (formerly Captain Marvel and Photon), Aaron Stack (Machine Man), Tabitha Smith (X-Force's Meltdown), monster-hunter Elsa Bloodstone and the Captain! Guest-starring Fin Fang Foom!

This is one of those comics that you read twice -- just to make sure you didn't miss anything. Then you quote it a lot ("Fin Fang Foom put you in pants!") and make all your friends read it too. It's that good.

There's plenty of pot-shots at Marvel conventions, great art that matches the irreverent style perfectly, a hysterical Nick Fury spoof complete with mommy issues and a drug habit, battle koalas and a giant green monster in purple underpants. What's not to love?

This is not the comic for you if you're looking for deep character development and lots of drama. If you want a drunken, human-hating robot, lots of explosions and Elsa Bloodstone kicking ass with a shovel, pick it up. It's got a spot on my pull list from now on.

Movie Report: Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

I'd heard this 2005 movie was pretty good, and it had Val Kilmer, who was one of my 1990s heartthrobs, so when it turned up on cable I gave it a couple of hours of my time.

I like movies like this -- snappy dialogue, a twisty plot, a little originality, shades of detective drama and a self-aware irreverance -- why didn't more people see this in the theater?

Maybe because it doesn't fit into a neat little category. It's got action, but it's not a blow-em-up blockbuster, comedy, but it's not slapstick, mystery, but not psychological drama -- maybe its a dark comedic murder mystery/how to make it in Hollywood/satire/detective story.

Robert Downey Jr. (it's so nice to see him working again) plays a small-time hood who stumbles into an audition while running from a botched robbery. One bullshit reading later and he's on his way to Hollywood -- and a fateful reunion with his high school crush. Michelle Monaghan is Harmony, the object of Downey's desire. She seems like a fine actress, and this is a far better part than the creepy Katie Holmes clone she was in Mission Impossible 3.

And Val Kilmer is the private detective to the stars who's hired to give Downey "detective lessons." When real dead bodies start turning up, things get really interesting.

Much of the humor rides on the great performances from Downey and Kilmer, who find themselves caught in a buddy comedy from hell. Unlike most buddy flicks, where the vastly different people find themselves the best of friends, these two don't like each other and aren't afraid to admit it. That doesn't mean they don't have each other's backs when the chips are down.

The plot, when it's not riffing on peeing on a corpse, is complex, in a 1950s detective novel sort of way. You cannot zone out and expect to understand what's going on or why that guy just got shot. Keep up -- it's worth it. And keep an eye out for cameos by Lincoln and Elvis.

Comic Report: New Excalibur: Defending the Realm

A sudden interest in superheroes in Europe led me to the first trade of the New Excalibur title.

Defending London these days is a new team consisting of Captain Britain; Pete Wisdom (who amuses the heck out of me); Dazzler (betcha thought she was gone forever); Sage (sometimes linked with the X-Men, with a nifty set of mental powers); Nocturne (the alternate reality daughter of Nightcrawler and Scarlet Witch -- I'll admit to being a little confused); and reformed criminal Juggernaut (I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!)

The first trade involves the formation of the team, and confrontations with the Dark X-Men, Black Air, Black Tom Cassady, Lionheart, and Albion and the Warwolves. Being my first introduction to a lot of these baddies, it was nice not seeing the same old fights. I'd like to learn more about Black Air in particular.

Good action, decent character development, the hints of something between Pete Wisdom and Sage ... now that Marvel has tied up so many of its A-list in Civil War, which is increasingly becoming a real downer, I say bring on the B team! Lets see some superheroes be superheroes for a change.

Anime Report: Mobile Suit Gundam Wing - Operation One

Ah, giant robots. What would anime be without them?

Robotech defined the genre. But Gundam, which has more than 400 episodes over a whole bunch of shows, has picked up the ball.

Gundam Wing was a request by my sweetie, so I started picking up DVDs on eBay and half.com. It's an alternate universe Gundam -- 150-some years after Earth has conquered the outer space colonies, five teenage pilots are sent to Earth with kick-ass mobile suits (mechas). Their mission -- take down Oz, a military organization hiding within the Earth Alliance government.

Problem one -- None of the Gundam pilots knows the others at first. I predict this is going to be trouble later down the line.

Problem two -- Hotshot Heero not only loses his Gundam on the very first day, he gets seen by Relena, the pampered daughter of an Earth Alliance official. Relena ends up fascinated by Heero, even as he spends most of his time insulting her and generally being an ass.

Problem three -- Zechs Marquise, a top pilot and commander for Oz. Zechs spends part of his time being a super pimp (Noin so wants him), and the rest plotting eeeviiill.

Overall, the first episodes had a good mix of politics, mecha action and drama. Oz really doesn't have a lot that will stand up to the Gundams though, so I hope the fights aren't going to be completely one-sided.

And Relena is portrayed as too much of a perfect princess for my taste -- she better develop a personality besides stalking Heero, or she's gonna get annoying quick. And since the first major plot twist involves her past, I have a feeling she isn't going away anytime soon.

Book Report: "Make Love the Bruce Campbell Way"

So the sweetie and I take a multi-hour car trip every two weeks to visit friends. And he gets bored with the radio.

When I get bored with the radio, I sleep. If he sleeps, we crash, burn and die, so that's not really an option. So occasionally we turn to an audio book.

I'm annoyed that audio books are so freakin' expensive -- like $70 bucks. That ain't right! And I'm annoyed that I bought a bunch of books on tape over the past three years or so, but our new car doesn't have a tape deck, so we can't use 'em anymore. And I'm annoyed that we bought "American Gods" on CD, but it's a freakin' mp3 file, and my car won't play that, either.

Did I mention I'm kind of annoyed with the state of audio books? ;-)

Anyway, sweetie picked up "Make Love the Bruce Campbell Way." Since we're both big fans of the Chinned One, we thought this would be a good diversion.

Done in the style of an old-time radio play, Campbell narrates the action in "Make Love" with the help of other actors and special effects.

The fictional story involves Campbell getting a chance at the big time -- a key supporting role in a big-budget, A-list romantic comedy.

Diving in to "research" for his role as a wise-cracking, relationship expert doorman, Bruce plans a wedding, eavesdrops on a bad date, has several life-altering encounters with Homeland Security, punches a Buddhist, chases eco-terrorists, crashes a Southern gentlemen's club, gives dating tips to Richard Gere and battles an evil Hollywood executive with the help of a leftover prop sword from "Army of Darkness" -- all as he's battling a reputation that dubs him "B-movie Ebola."

This is screamingly funny verbal slapstick -- a couple of points we were laughing so hard John almost ran off the road. Campbell is smooth, sarcastic and assured as ... himself, and although we don't get to hear from Gere, Renee Zellweger or any of the other actors he drops into the plot, the other actors in the radio play do a passable job too.

I'll probably pick up the print version at some point, just to see how much it changed. But for six hours of funny, this audio book is one to pick up. And I'd love to see it made into a movie -- starring Campbell, of course. Who else could do it?

You Knit What? Desperate Housefrau

Normally, I have much love for Knitty. Love it, watch it, knit stuff from it. (Bobbilicious, for example) But once in a while they pass Edgy and are on a road straight to Weird.

When Knitty hits, it's straight up faboo. When they miss, though -- boy howdy, look out. I was going to label this as my YKW, because crossed ribbons over your ass -- not the best idea. But if you've got the badonkadonk for the job, I guess this one could work. So it passes.


But I gotta ask, what's with the obsession of knitting questionable things for your head? First the Leia wig, now this. What's wrong with a nice hat?

Like I need any help looking frumpy when I leave the house. I can do that all on my own, thank you. If I wanna look *really* bad, I'll wear my mint green Mickey jammies, and my sweetie will pretend he doesn't know me. But I'm not gonna wear this. You can't make me.

If you want to knit this, here's the pattern. Knock yourself out -- just don't blame me if you get weird looks in the cereal aisle.

Movie Report: "X-Men: The Last Stand"

This is a rewatch for me, because *of course* I saw it in the theater. Hello! Geek girl!

Anyway, for a third movie in the series, and one that was plagued with as many director changes and script re-writes and other assorted woes as X3 was, this is surprisingly good. I'm not sure it beats the pure coolness that was X2, but it's pretty darn nifty nonetheless.

I'm shocked that someone thought the Dark Phoenix storyline wasn't strong enough to carry a film. Did they read the comics? I am happy with the removal of the aliens and such -- other than "Annhilation," for the most part I don't dig Marvel's "Superheroes in Space" storylines.

The action scenes with Jean/Phoenix were spectacular, and I liked the way they changed the story. I was even happy with what happened to Cyclops, because I never liked that guy anyway. But Jean herself ... apparently, having phenominal cosmic power translates to "stand around looking distant and sorta cranky."

I can just imagine the inner dialogue now:

"I am Phoenix. I can have whatever I want, whenever I want. I can reshape reality with my mind. You are mere bugs before my greatness ... Do I want a sandwich? Is the cosmic force of Phoenix hungry? Hmmm. Turkey and provolone sounds good. With tomatoes -- there must be tomatoes. The Phoenix Force demands tomatoes!"

The mutant cure storyline was good (an alien-free version of the story in Astonishing X-Men) but like the Phoenix saga, it could have been a movie on its own. Questions of social conformity, ethics and the responsiblity of power -- how is this seen as "not enough plot?"

I would have preferred if they had left what happened with Rogue ambiguous, and Angel appeared tacked on for no other reason than "Hey -- wings!" Which is disappointing, because his first scene was powerful and moving.

Oh and did Quills have the dumbest mutant power ever? That's like mutating and realizing your special power is to shapeshift into a purple hamster.

Other good points -- the scene at Jean's house rocked; "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!"; Magneto was cool as always; Fastball Special!!! This also was less of "The Wolverine Show" than the previous two films, which made me happy -- it's a team, lets treat it like one.

Not the best of the X-Men flicks, not the worst -- which means its still in the top 10 Superhero flicks of all time. I bought the DVD, and I am happy.

I Made It! Bobblicious

Excuse the model -- it's a post-Halloween attempt to scare the kiddies.

My sweetie's grandmother is 91 and one of the coolest ladies ever. Last Christmas I made her a hat, out of Lion Brand Wool-Ease Thick and Quick. It was wine red with a pink bow, and she loved it -- I so wish I would have had my camera.

And since I love cool ladies who love my knitting, I had to make her something this year too. Enter Bobblicious.

This is probably the biggest thing I've knitted so far. And after a rough start -- I had to cast on three times, because I kept casting on too tight for the bobbles -- things smoothed out. There were points where I renamed it "Bobble pain in my ass" but once I hit the mile or so of reverse stockinette stitch, it was easy. Took me a month of knitting during movies and "Doctor Who" and in the car on long trips.

The yarn is Wool-Ease Thick and Quick in Claret, just like the pattern calls for. Warm, cheap, machine-washable -- while I am discovering a love for Noro and the good stuff, I'm not going to be a fiber snob. I made it an inch or two shorter than called for -- Grandma's a little thing, and I didn't want it to overwhelm her.

Rosebride fell madly in love with the bobbles, so I'll be making a second one of these for her. And it is warm and snuggly, so there might be one for me. Green, no bobbles -- I gotta be different. ;-)

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Movie Report: "Halloween"

John Carpenter's 1978 masterpiece was the prototype for the modern slasher flick. Hundreds of directors and actors owe their paychecks to "Halloween," the "Casablanca" of monster movies.

Carpenter took the monster out of the mad scientist's laboratory and plopped it down in small-town America. He took the complicated explanations and mystical mumbo-jumbo away, and it's even scarier when you don't know why the killer kills. And he made a William Shatner mask a universal symbol for evil.

Those are some pretty neat tricks.

Two of the slasher flick standbys, boobs and blood, are suprisingly small parts of "Halloween." You hardly ever see either, in fact -- just a flash or two of skin and a few drips of gore here and there. If this movie was released today, it would be rated PG-13 at worst.

What it does have is buckets and buckets of creepy atmosphere. Carpenter's minimal score adds a surreal note to scenes of placid suburban streets. Michael Myers is hulking and haunting as the insane killer come home to roost. There is absolutely no motive to what he does -- because it is what he is.

Jamie Lee Curtis gives a breakthrough performance that not only would cement her as the Scream Queen of the 1980s, it created a horror movie rule that still stands today -- the plucky virgin is gonna survive. Donald Pleasance adds part gravitas, part crazy eye as the psychologist chasing the one patient he couldn't reach. (Christopher Lee has said turning down this part was the biggest mistake of his career.)

Practically everything about this movie is spot-on perfect -- from the oblivious kid watching old-time monster flicks as a real-life monster stalks the streets to the prominent part played by a knitting needle, I can hardly explain how much I adore this movie. The use of shadows and darkness, even the choice of a song barely heard (that's "Don't Fear the Reaper" playing in Annie's car, and I have a special place in my heart for any movie that works it into their soundtrack) -- this movie can still spook me even after viewing it dozens of times. Totally fantastic.

Movie Report: "Fright Night"

It's as universal as gravity. Every Halloween, the sweetie and I will pass out the best candy on the block (all chocolate) and we'll watch at least two horror flicks. Sometimes there's more, but the night won't go by without "Fright Night."

This 1985 movie is like Halloween candy -- sweet and familiar, and completely without nutritional value. The movie scoops up every cliche of the vampire movie, mixes them with a "Scooby Doo" premise (What happens when a vampire moves into the creepy house next door?) and serves them up with a wink and a smile. Toss in "Ghostbusters" style special effects and you've got quite a show.

Roddy McDowall steals the show as a washed-up horror movie star the kids turn to for advice. A pre-"Married with Children" Amanda Bearse does sweet and wholesome as Charley's girlfriend, who of course, looks *just like* the vampire's lost love.

Chris Sarandon gives a surprisingly creepy and effective performance as a vampire named Jerry. He plays it straight, for the most part, and gives the movie some needed weight. The combination of humor and horror is what elevates "Fright Night" from forgettable to cult classic.

He got me, Charley! He bit me! You know what you're gonna have to do now, don't you? Kill me. Kill me, Charley... before I turn into a vampire, and... GIVE YOU A HICKEY!

Movie Report: "Phantasm" and "Phantasm IV: Oblivion"

More death! More blood! More ... Aliens crushing corpses into midget slave labor?

This 1979 horror flick and its sequel are favs of my friend Rosebride, so the sweetie and I joined her for a "Phantasm" fest.

The movie doesn't make much sense, but it's lots and lots of fun. There's nefarious goings-on at the local cemetery, so a kid and his cool older brother take on the alien "Tall Man," played with creepy intensity by Angus Scrimm.

Written, directed, photographed, produced and edited by Don Coscarelli (of the marvelous "Bubba Ho-Tep") this was obviously a labor of love. The extensive mausoleum interiors were made of plywood and contact paper, if that gives you any idea of the budget, but it looks good nonetheless. And the theme of a child's fear of losing those he loves gave the film a heartfelt touch.

This film is also notable for introducing Reggie, the most capable ice cream man/alien freedom fighter ever seen on film (nice hair!), a trick with a shotgun shell that should be on "Mythbusters" and dialogue that you could *never* get away with today -- listen for the line where Jody blames strange happenings on the kid down the street.


So why did we skip straight to 1998's "Phantasm IV"? As Rosebride puts it: "The first Phantasm was awesome, two and three sucked so bad they never made it to DVD, and four is so good that it makes all the ones before better."

I'm not sure I'd go that far, but it was a solid B-flick. A long, strange trip through the history of the Tall Man and Michael's one-guy quest to thwart his plans, "Phantasm IV" offers a loaded DVD worth of unused footage from the earlier films.

It's really for the longtime fans of the series who have been to the Web sites and argued the finer points of alien minutiae. The casual viewer (like me) isn't going to get as much out of it.

But Reggie's back, and so are The Tall Man, the creepy dwarves and the shiny metal balls that fly around and stick in people's heads. What's not to like about that?

TV Report: Tales from the Crypt, Season One

Around Halloween time my thoughts start turning to murder and mayhem, and out come the horror flicks.

Six spooktacular episodes hold the promise that would become HBO's stellar horror series. I loved this show of gruesome morality tales, and I watched it over and over in college -- mostly in crappy edited for broadcast TV versions, because my dorm didn't get HBO.

I love the "We're HBO! We've got to show a boob!" mentality -- it's hysterical some of the tricks they go through to try to sneak a little sex or swearing into these relatively tame stories. And while the first season doesn't have some of the star power that would come later, it's still got some pretty good stories:

-- "The Man Who was Death." A prison executioner loves his job -- so much that he can't stop doing it.

-- "And All Through the House." A woman butchers her husband on Christmas Eve, only to find out Santa knows she's been naughty.

-- "Dig That Cat ... He's Real Gone." A Tales from the Crypt classic, Joe Pantoliano plays a sideshow performer who gets more than he bargained for when a mad scientist offers him immortality.

-- "Only Sin Deep." A hooker pawns the one thing she has -- her beauty -- for a shot at the big time. But money's not enough to get what you really want.

-- "Lover, Come Hack to Me." A smooth operator marries a shy virgin for her money, and then gets the tables turned on his murderous plan. This one has some scenes so similar to the set-up for "Rocky Horror" that I was looking for Magenta and Riff-Raff.

-- "Collection Completed." Kooky and on the left side of bizarre, Audrey Lindley (that's Mrs. Roper for you Three's Company fans) plays a pet-obsessed housewife on a collision course with her animal-hating workaholic husband.

This was a great season. But stay tuned, Boils and Ghouls. There's plenty more terrifying tales to come!

Movie Report: "The Notorious Bettie Page"

Ahh, 1950s kink.

Bettie Page was the queen of the bondage pin-ups, a girl with a special talent for whips and big boots and a thousand-watt smile. There's an innocence and joy to her photos -- something that's completely unexpected, and part of the reason I think she's been popular for more than 50 years.

The movie skims over Bettie's early life -- small town girl, troubled home, an early marriage that went bad. When she heads to New York to find work as an actress the movie starts to open up.

Bettie is shown as stumbling into pin-up almost by accident, and her complete lack of concern for clothes made her a star. There's nothing naked about Bettie when she's nude -- she's just not wearing any clothes. She makes it seem completely natural.

The secret world of 1950s fetish pics is shown as a clannish family, where no one takes advantage of a naive girl who drinks Shirley Temples and looks around wide-eyed all the time. It's a little too idealized, I would think, but maybe that's just because it wouldn't happen that way today.

Gretchen Mol has the smile and Bettie's bangs. The movie is mostly shot in 1950s-style black and white, complete with wipes and fades, but the Florida sequences are drenched with glorious Technicolor -- it's a moving postcard.

The problem with the movie, I think, is that it never dips below the surface. We get lots of scenes of Bettie posing, but the script skips across her story like a picture book, and we never learn what she's thinking or why things happen. The late conversion is treated like "one day Bettie went to church."

Pretty to look at, but ultimately unsatisfying.

Book Report: "Industrial Magic"

Surprisingly, I didn't swear off reading after "Micah."

My big book o' Shakespeare was on the coffee table, but the next one up was "The Comedy of Errors" and that's never been one of my favorites. Time for more brain candy.

Renegade witch Paige Winterbourne is back in the fourth book of the "Women of the Otherworld" series, and thankfully, she's *slightly* less of a smarmy know-it-all than she was in "Stolen" and "Dime Store Magic." There are even several references in "Industrial Magic" to just how annoying Paige is, so at least the author realizes the monster she has created.

Someone is killing the children of the Cabals. (sorcerer-led Mafia-type corporations, think Wolfram and Hart) Who better to bring in to investigate than an annoying witch with absolutely *no* investigation experience and her lawyer/sorcerer boyfriend, who's got a hate-on for the Cabals?

Yeah, I didn't buy it either. It made *a little* sense because Lucas' dad is the head of the Cortez Cabal, and he loves his screwed-up kid, but Dad is seriously setting himself up for a fall by exposing a huge soft spot to his rivals.

There's little chemistry between Lucas and Paige, and I think the author did well to separate them for large chunks of the novel. But she piled on the annoying factor, adding bitchy aging vampire Cassandra and well-meaning but campy TV celebrity necromancer Jaime Vegas to the team. An elaborate send-up of Anne Rice-style vamps took up a lot of pages for no good reason.

But there are a few decent twists in the hunt for the killer, the action is good, and the climax is suitably big. I could have done without the big detour into the Netherworld, but cameos by ghostie Eve and werewolves extraordinare Elena, Clay and Jeremy made everything better. Teenage witch Savannah gets a nice moment when she confronts the bad guy.

Ick factor: Jaime has a crush on Jeremy. I can understand why, but I would expect him to have better taste.

Overall, better than "Dime Store Magic," not as good as "Bitten."

Book Report: "Micah"

OK, I must offer a disclaimer: I'm going to spoil what little plot this book has, and the talk's gonna get kind of umm ... "adult." If that doesn't work for you, please move along now.

I used to love the Anita Blake books. Anita was tough, sexy, fun -- she'd raise zombies, slay vampires, kick butt and then go home and cuddle up with her stuffed penguin. (See the new Marvel comic for an idea of what once was.) The books were funny and action-packed, with drama and detective work, good character development and enough romance to keep 'em interesting. And a minimum of whining, which is always a plus.

About the time of "Obsidian Butterfly," the series jumped the shark. Anita turned into some sort of uber-slut nympho, repeatedly humping almost every supernatural male in a tri-state area. And she whines. A lot.

Now, I am not a prude. I enjoy a good sex scene, especially when they are well written. But even the sex is boring in these things -- clinical, drawn-out and repetitive, the sex is about as sensual as a screen door banging in the wind.

What I miss is all the things I used to like about the novels. Mystery? Ha! She doesn't have time to solve mysteries -- there is a gang bang with a wereleopard pack on her schedule! And why hunt vampires when you're humping all of them? Romance? What's romantic about a bedroom with a revolving door?

And I can't even like the men in Anita's stable. I used to be a big fan of Jean-Claude, but lately one crack at Anita's magic poonani completely emasculates even the most manly of males -- they go from being powerful supernatural forces to pretty boys with flowing hair and big muscles, willing to put up with any amount of Anita's bullshit as they patiently wait for their turn in her bed. And why is it that she can have ever-increasing amounts of lovers, but if any of them even so much as look at another woman, she cuts them off?

Honey, you ain't all that.

So why do I keep reading the books? I wondered why I torture myself, and I finally figured out why. A small part of me hopes beyond hope that Anita will come to her senses, and the books will return to their former promise. But more than that, it's a case study of bad writing. It interests me to see just how terrible of a literary train wreck the books will become. And they fuel my writing -- I'll rip through a book, realize that I could do better, and go on a writing binge.

Thanks, Laurell K. Hamilton -- your suckitude fuels my creativity.

I haven't liked Micah (a wereleopard) since his introduction a few books ago. Not only did Anita fuck him within seconds of meeting him, (at least exchange names and a few pleasantries first!) he's contributed *nothing* to the novels' razor-thin plots and has had no characterization beyond descriptions of his "kitty-cat eyes" and enormous schlong.

He's nothing but an extraneous "member" in Anita's ever-growing harem.

Needless to say, I didn't exactly run to the bookstore to pick this one up. But when Waldenbooks had a deal and I got it for free, I decided to give the book a chance. Maybe Hamilton would surprise me, and develop Micah so well I'd fall in love with the character -- or at least be able to tolerate him.

Fat chance. First off, this isn't really a novel -- its a longish short story spaced out with big type and lots of white space to pad the page count. If I had paid full price, I would have been pissed.

So it's a slow night for Anita -- she's only got two guys in her bed. She gets a call from a co-worker (I'd almost forgotten she had a job!) who needs a favor. He's got a zombie to raise the next night in Philadelphia, but his pregnant wife is having a medical emergency and he can't go. All she has to do is hop on a plane, raise a corpse, ask it a few questions and catch the next flight out.

But first there is whining. And more whining. And since Anita can't go 24 hours without getting stuffed, she's got to figure out who among her harem she's gonna take with her. Since the book is called "Micah," who she picks ain't really a surprise.

Personally, I think she should have just thrown a battery-operated assistant into her suitcase and called it done, but I guess that doesn't work for her.

Along the way, Anita finds out her sluttish ways have made her a joke among the FBI agents she has to work with, and that she's seen as trouble in her field of expertise, necromancy. Does this make her think about her life, or maybe vow to stop boning in public? Nooooo. Anita just shrugs off the critics as jealous/frustrated because they haven't slept with her yet.

Now Micah's whining. Shut up, Micah!! He's realized that this is the first time he's been alone with Anita, and he's worried about "being a boyfriend." Dude, you're just an extra dick ... keep it up.

Micah splurges on an expensive hotel room. Anita whines because its too nice. Micah whines because she doesn't like it. Shut up, both of you!!

Now we get to Micah's backstory. The author skims over his traumatic transformation -- targeted by a wereleopard serial killer who hunted hunters, Micah survived and his beloved uncle and cousin were dinner. But here's Micah's secret, terrible trauma ... his dill is sooooo huge that his girlfriend dumped him!!

That's it?? That's his pain? His dick is too big??

At this point, I had to put the book down until I stopped laughing.

The next twenty-two pages are spent on Anita proving to him that she can take it. But since they've been sleeping together for a year, shouldn't this have been settled already?

But wait, wasn't there a zombie? Anita and Micah head to the cemetery. Micah has to come along, because Anita can't be more than two feet from a friendly frankfurter or she starts to hyperventelate. She dry humps him in front of a crowd of FBI agents, lawyers, a federal judge and a court stenographer "to remind herself she's alive." Yeah, breathe or something, and take a cold shower.

She raises the zombie, but because nothing can go right with Anita, it blames one of the people present for its death (even though the guy died of a heart attack). Somehow, the most powerful necromancer since time began can't control one zombie bent on destruction, and everything goes to heck. Maybe she should have humped the zombie too. Oh, and there's a Mafia hitman, but that's just extraneous violence.

Bonus: Anita becomes even more of a Mary Sue, because now she's a carrier of lycanthropy (not supposed to be possible). Not only that, she's carrying *four* different types! (leopard, wolf, lion and and an as-yet unidentified whatsit)

Sigh. I have a headache. Where's the aspirin?

Movie Report: "The Prestige"

Like I told ya when I reviewed "The Illusionist," Victorian magicians are the new hotness.

Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman (ooh, eye candy!) play magicians in this artsy flick -- former friends turned bitter rivals by tragedy. Yeah, we've heard that before, but these two turn "I'm gonna get that guy" into a years-long dance of escalating pain and destruction. No doubt about it -- they're dedicated.

Supporting cast? Michael Caine plays an old-timer magician with a accent thick enough to cut. It's nice to see real-life magician Ricky Jay (who apparently coached the stars in slight of hand) in a small part, but Scarlett Johansson is blonde and forgettable as the beautiful assistant. Maybe she should look for a role where she can actually act.

But she doesn't matter, because Bowie! Bowie, Bowie, Bowie, Bowie! The Sovereign himself shows up! Woo-hoo!

The story mixes magic, weird science and a bit of fantasy. It's twisty and complex -- I didn't have it all figured out before the big reveal (which is rare) but the clues were there. I'll watch this one again, just to make sure I caught all the tricks.

Comic Report: 1,001 Nights of Snowfall

If you're not reading Fables and Jack of Fables, you should be. Go buy the graphic novels now -- I'll wait.

/em taps foot impatiently.
/em looks at watch.
/em taps foot again.

And we're back.

The premise for this absolutely beautiful hardcover graphic novel is that some time in the past, Snow White was sent as Fabletown's envoy to the court of the Arabian sultan. In order to save her skin (and complete her diplomatic mission) Snow weaves a series of tales Scheherazade-style for the sultan's entertainment.

You don't need to have read Fables before to get into this prequel, but I think it would help. Besides, you ARE reading Fables, aren't you??

Each story is drawn by a different artist, and all are lovely -- from standard "comic book" to turn-of-the-century Maxfield Parrish. Author Bill Willingham takes us from what the seven dwarves were *really* like to the tragedy of the Frog Prince and how the Big Bad Wolf got to be bad with humor, charm and masterful talespinning.

How much do we ignore when we believe "happily ever after"?

Book Report: "Magic's Pawn"

Yaoi alert!!! (and a slight disclaimer: I <3 the Valdemar books. The romantic fantasy is a perfect fit for my fondness for girly romantic fantasy and manga.)

Vanyel is a misfit. And boy oh boy, is he emo.

He's small and quick, and he can't fight like his emotionally distant father and abusive swordmaster. He's the heir to his father's lands and titles, but he'd rather be a bard. He won't play pawn to his mother's hysterics, or respond to her ladies' seductions. He has no friends among the siblings and cousins populating his father's keep, and his older sister, who was his only protector, is being sent away.

But Vanyel gets an unlikely exile -- he's sent to the High Court of Valdemar. Most people would see this as a blessing -- he sees it as another curse.

Van's lonely and lost, and confused by the feelings awakening in him. So his relationship with Tylendel, a Herald-Mage trainee, has a difficult start. But as their love grows, so does Van's dependence on Ty. When tragedy strikes, he's left more changed than he could ever think possible.

Now with the help of his aunt and her friends, Van must learn to accept and control his newfound power, before it controls him.

"Magic's Pawn" is set hundreds of years *before* the first Valdemar trilogy, in which Vanyel is mentioned as a legend. So this is a different world. The openness and acceptance that mark Valdemar aren't as prevalent here. The Heralds are more of an entity to themselves, and less likely to open their hearts to a lost boy -- they think he's a difficult, stuck-up brat. It doesn't help that Van very often acts like a difficult, stuck-up brat.

Yes, he's terribly, terribly emo. And he and Ty treat their affair like the GREATEST LOVE IN THE HISTORY OF TIME and anything that goes wrong is the MOST TRAGIC TRAGEDY EVER.

But they're teenagers. They do stupid things. They take things too seriously. I actually like this -- it made Van more human. He's arrogant and proud and vulnerable -- perfect is boring.

And I remember doing some really stupid things when I was a teenager -- I had my emo phase too. And melodrama? Big on the melodrama. So I can relate.

Now, it did seem that while Mercedes Lackey lavished attention on developing the characters, at some point she said "dang -- I need some plot! Let me have his bad guy show up and start causing trouble for no real good reason!" And that's my biggest problem with the book -- the end especially seems tacked on.

But I can forgive that -- this time. I'll be looking for a bit more substance in books two and three of this trilogy.

Movie Report: "Quills"

Proving that everything on my DV-R doesn't suck, after "Venom" I watched this 2000 film.

"Quills" isn't so much about the Marquis De Sade (although Geoffrey Rush appears to have a helluva good time playing the irrepressible sinner) as the effect the marquis' madness had on the people around him.

Kate Winslet, one of my favorites, is lovely and luminous as Madeleine, the asylum laundress who is the marquis' co-conspirator/object of lust. Trapped in her mundane existence, it takes tales as wild as the marquis' to transport her away. Joaquin Phoenix (this movie was filled with my favs!) is the gentle priest who might just damn himself in his quest to save souls. And Michael Caine does a grim, thankless (but necessary) turn as the reformer sent to clean up the asylum, whose twisted relationship with a young girl ends up mirroring one of de Sade's stories.

It's funny -- people have been trying to suppress sex for hundreds of years. It's still popular. Go figure. ;-)

Add in questions of free speech, mental illness, creativity (and the desperation that can arise from creativity thwarted), corporal punishment, religion, sexuality and politics (and did I mention the necrophilia?) and you have a juicy, funny, sad and thought-provoking movie.

Beloved reader, I leave you now with a tale penned by the Abbe du Coulmier, a man who found freedom in the most unlikeliest of places: at the bottom of an inkwell, on the tip of a quill. However, be forewarned, it's plot is blood-soaked, it's characters depraved, and it's themes... unwholesome at best. But in order to know virtue, we must acquaint ourselves with vice. Only then can we know the full measure of man. So come... I Dare you... Turn the page...

Movie Report: "Venom"

Wow ... This movie is dumb.

Crawling out of the depths of my DV-R is this 2005 anti-classic. Stupid teenagers march in lock-step to their stupid deaths.

The creepy tow-truck driver in a backwater Louisiana town was apparently a nice guy -- until he was attacked and killed by a suitcase full of snakes infected by a voodoo curse. Or something like that. Whatever.

There's not a single character in the mess to root for -- even the "smart girl" has a stripper name. The teenage apprentice voodoo priestess is chillin' in a house warded against evil, but somehow, that doesn't stop people from running out the doors *or* stop the bad zombie guy from crashing into the front room with a truck.

Then there's some more blood, and something about a tomb. I don't know. I stopped caring. Even the deaths were boring in this snoozefest.

Interesting trivia: According to imdb.com, the working title for "Snakes on a Plane" was "Venom." Maybe that's what this movie needed -- more snakes. On a plane. With Samuel L. Jackson.

I Made It! J-Force Java

So two friends from my City of Heroes supergroup got married last month. (Congratulations Foxy and Sparta!!)

Unfortunately, work woes kept me and the sweetie from jetting down to Louisiana for the big day. But I still wanted to send something to mark the occasion, and since I'm pretty much incapable of buying off registries I had to find something unique.

So my friend Carrie (aka Dark Radiance) and I headed to a local pottery studio and came up with what every newlywed needs -- personalized cups as big as their heads, with plates to match! And they had to be painted in the brightest orange and blue we could find, of course. Supergroup pride demands no less.

We had a lot of fun making these -- I hope the happy couple can get some use out of them. Many thanks to Carrie for taking on the lettering -- I would have wimped out and used stencils.

Manga Report: Ai Yori Aoshi 12

If there was ever a volume of Ai Yori Aoshi to skip buying and just flip through in Borders this is the one.

Volume 11 actually advanced the main story. So what do we get this time? Chika (by far the most useless of the main cast) and her exhibitionist friends!!!

Chika invites her friends over to study. Of course, they don't study, they help clean the house, get sweaty, and then they take a bath, and they grope one another, and predictably, in walks Kaoru!

It seems like Kaoru "accidentally" sees most of these girls naked on an almost daily basis -- is it really a big deal anymore??

Chika's friends think Kaoru is her boyfriend, and Chika does nothing to discourage that. In fact, she's doing the "I'm secretly in love with Kaoru" bit now, too.

Then we go into a completely unnecessary series of chapters about Chika's swim team, and Tina helping little Chizuru learn to swim. Frankly, I just don't care. It's yet another opportunity for more pseudo-porn.

Aoi, who I was surprised to see in this volume at all, visits Kaoru's university to bring him something he forgot, and meets his academic adviser instead. The professor says that meeting Aoi makes him understand why Kaoru works so hard, but that he's overdoing it, and that she should keep an eye on him.

Aoi is a bit wistful at this, and fantasizes about having Kaoru to herself, instead of having to share him with a houseful of hormone-crazed girls. She vows to try harder to care for him.

But surprise! Aoi's mother drops by for a visit. She's got an ulterior motive -- she wants to ask Miyabi about whether Kaoru will be a suitable husband for Aoi.

Miyabi confirms that there's no chance Kaoru will rejoin the Hanabishi family, but says that he loves Aoi and he's the only one who can understand and care for her gentle heart.

And, possibly to make up for all the useless drek that came before, we learn more about Miyabi -- orphaned as a child, she was adopted by Aoi's mother and raised as a "big sister" to Aoi. This is why she is so devoted to the Sakuraba and to protecting Aoi, even as she looks toward the day when Aoi is fully adult and no longer needs her.

Movie Report: "The Departed"

Wow ... just wow.

Martin Scorcese has made some masterful films. He also directed Michael Jackson's video for "Bad," and someday I might stop holding that against him.

This is another masterpiece.

I'm not sure how you could go wrong with this cast, or this script (although I might track down the Hong Kong original, "Internal Affairs," and see if they did it better.)

Because you know how some movies have that "OMG, I can't believe they did that!" moment? This one has five or six of those. It's really something.

Leonardo DiCaprio shows he's all grown up in the role of a undercover cop with a troubled past infiltrating the crew of a Boston crime lord. Matt Damon is a boy from the mean streets turned up-and-coming crime fighter. Mark Walberg plays the funniest, most foul-mouthed character I've seen in a movie since Stiffler in the "American Pie" flicks -- listen to his dialogue closely, it's a trip. And actors like Martin Sheen and Alec Baldwin in supporting roles? There's not a performance that isn't spot-on.

And then there's Jack. Nicholson's done some odd movies lately, and he chomps pretty hard on a few pieces of scenery here, but there was this ... Darkness to his mania. He plays Frank Costello as the face of evil, and for every stupid stunt with a dildo, there are great, subtle moments like how he casually buys a soul for a sack of groceries, or the look on a teenage girl's face when he whispers in her ear. Just beautiful.

I reserve the right to change my mind as I see more movies, but right now, "The Departed" is one of my Oscar picks. Maybe it's finally Scorcese's year.

Book Report: "East of Eden"

The book reports return!!

So I was in the mood for something with a little meat to it. Something that would make me think. And since I did a stupendous job of avoiding American literature during college, there's a lot of it for me to read, including this semi-autobiographical 1952 work by John Steinbeck. (The Hamiltons are based on the history of his own family.)

Now I think that every teenager who has painfully slogged through "Of Mice and Men" in high school English should be handed a copy of this instead.

It won't happen, first because the majority of high school English classes are abominations, reading-list driven death marches of forced imagery and rote memorization that serve to beat a love of literature out of students instead of instilling one in them. Besides, "Eden" has sex and violence, whores and disobedient children -- we wouldn't want to give the kiddies any ideas, would we??

Anyway ...

Thick with Biblical imagery, "Eden" is the story of Adam Trask, a boy bedeviled by his overbearing, distant father and caught in a Cain and Abel relationship with his half-brother Charles. Into the mix is thrown Cathy, a self-centered wench who destroys all she touches and who is one of the most evil characters I've seen in a book in a long time.

Adam marries Cathy and takes her to California (poor sap) but he ends up raising their twins, Aron and Caleb, on his own -- but for the most part, he's a pretty poor parent, being far too wrapped up in his own troubles to do more than be a silent observer in the boys' lives until they're teenagers. And by then, the damage has been done.

Most of what I've read about "Eden" focuses on the mirrored Cain and Abel stories. But that didn't interest me as much as the concept of "timshel."

The Hebrew word translates as "thou mayest," and it captures the conflict of personal choice versus predestined fate. Steinbeck tells the readers that they, like the characters, have the ability to choose their own path in life. Only by those choices can they break from their pasts. In granting Aron timshel, Adam sets him free.

Not to say this is a perfect book -- I found myself cursing it and enjoying it at the same time. It's overblown and overwritten in parts, and the parallel story of the Hamiltons sometimes seems tossed in for no good reason. It's sentimental even as its non-judgmental, but the characters at times are more concepts than people -- Lee is too good, Cathy's too much of a monster, Sam Hamilton is too quirky and wise. It's the minor characters that appear the most real.

But Steinbeck has a wonderful touch with dialogue, and his descriptions make turn of the century California come alive. There's a reason this has been a classic for more than 50 years.

Lack of Me

So I haven't updated this blog in ... a lot longer than it should have been. But I took some time off, kicked it at home, knit, read, and watched my good, good friends Rosebride and Wendy paint my living room and kitchen. They're such good friends that they knew if they handed me a paint brush I'd just muck it up. ;-)

Thanks so much -- you guys rock!

But I've got a stack of movies to review, at least one novel that I really want to give the savage ripping it so richly deserves and some I Made Its and at least one You Knit What?

The blog is back, baby.

You Knit What? Isn't she cold?

It's a sweater! No wait -- it's string art! Maybe it's leftover from a "Survivor" challenge -- connect the pieces in the right order and win reward.


All I know is, if I'm gonna spend all the time and effort it takes to knit a sweater, I want the whole danged thing.

I'm also not sure I'd want to spend $39 a skein on the silk/mohair blend that this beauty is knitted in -- $200 in yarn (needs 5 skeins) and you don't even get the shoulders?

This little charmer will appear in the winter issue of Interweave Knits. Be sure to reserve your copy today.