OK, I must offer a disclaimer: I'm going to spoil what little plot this book has, and the talk's gonna get kind of umm ... "adult." If that doesn't work for you, please move along now.
I used to love the Anita Blake books. Anita was tough, sexy, fun -- she'd raise zombies, slay vampires, kick butt and then go home and cuddle up with her stuffed penguin. (See the new Marvel comic for an idea of what once was.) The books were funny and action-packed, with drama and detective work, good character development and enough romance to keep 'em interesting. And a minimum of whining, which is always a plus.
About the time of "Obsidian Butterfly," the series jumped the shark. Anita turned into some sort of uber-slut nympho, repeatedly humping almost every supernatural male in a tri-state area. And she whines. A lot.
Now, I am not a prude. I enjoy a good sex scene, especially when they are well written. But even the sex is boring in these things -- clinical, drawn-out and repetitive, the sex is about as sensual as a screen door banging in the wind.
What I miss is all the things I used to like about the novels. Mystery? Ha! She doesn't have time to solve mysteries -- there is a gang bang with a wereleopard pack on her schedule! And why hunt vampires when you're humping all of them? Romance? What's romantic about a bedroom with a revolving door?
And I can't even like the men in Anita's stable. I used to be a big fan of Jean-Claude, but lately one crack at Anita's magic poonani completely emasculates even the most manly of males -- they go from being powerful supernatural forces to pretty boys with flowing hair and big muscles, willing to put up with any amount of Anita's bullshit as they patiently wait for their turn in her bed. And why is it that she can have ever-increasing amounts of lovers, but if any of them even so much as look at another woman, she cuts them off?
Honey, you ain't all that.
So why do I keep reading the books? I wondered why I torture myself, and I finally figured out why. A small part of me hopes beyond hope that Anita will come to her senses, and the books will return to their former promise. But more than that, it's a case study of bad writing. It interests me to see just how terrible of a literary train wreck the books will become. And they fuel my writing -- I'll rip through a book, realize that I could do better, and go on a writing binge.
Thanks, Laurell K. Hamilton -- your suckitude fuels my creativity.
I haven't liked Micah (a wereleopard) since his introduction a few books ago. Not only did Anita fuck him within seconds of meeting him, (at least exchange names and a few pleasantries first!) he's contributed *nothing* to the novels' razor-thin plots and has had no characterization beyond descriptions of his "kitty-cat eyes" and enormous schlong.
He's nothing but an extraneous "member" in Anita's ever-growing harem.
Needless to say, I didn't exactly run to the bookstore to pick this one up. But when Waldenbooks had a deal and I got it for free, I decided to give the book a chance. Maybe Hamilton would surprise me, and develop Micah so well I'd fall in love with the character -- or at least be able to tolerate him.
Fat chance. First off, this isn't really a novel -- its a longish short story spaced out with big type and lots of white space to pad the page count. If I had paid full price, I would have been pissed.
So it's a slow night for Anita -- she's only got two guys in her bed. She gets a call from a co-worker (I'd almost forgotten she had a job!) who needs a favor. He's got a zombie to raise the next night in Philadelphia, but his pregnant wife is having a medical emergency and he can't go. All she has to do is hop on a plane, raise a corpse, ask it a few questions and catch the next flight out.
But first there is whining. And more whining. And since Anita can't go 24 hours without getting stuffed, she's got to figure out who among her harem she's gonna take with her. Since the book is called "Micah," who she picks ain't really a surprise.
Personally, I think she should have just thrown a battery-operated assistant into her suitcase and called it done, but I guess that doesn't work for her.
Along the way, Anita finds out her sluttish ways have made her a joke among the FBI agents she has to work with, and that she's seen as trouble in her field of expertise, necromancy. Does this make her think about her life, or maybe vow to stop boning in public? Nooooo. Anita just shrugs off the critics as jealous/frustrated because they haven't slept with her yet.
Now Micah's whining. Shut up, Micah!! He's realized that this is the first time he's been alone with Anita, and he's worried about "being a boyfriend." Dude, you're just an extra dick ... keep it up.
Micah splurges on an expensive hotel room. Anita whines because its too nice. Micah whines because she doesn't like it. Shut up, both of you!!
Now we get to Micah's backstory. The author skims over his traumatic transformation -- targeted by a wereleopard serial killer who hunted hunters, Micah survived and his beloved uncle and cousin were dinner. But here's Micah's secret, terrible trauma ... his dill is sooooo huge that his girlfriend dumped him!!
That's it?? That's his pain? His dick is too big??
At this point, I had to put the book down until I stopped laughing.
The next twenty-two pages are spent on Anita proving to him that she can take it. But since they've been sleeping together for a year, shouldn't this have been settled already?
But wait, wasn't there a zombie? Anita and Micah head to the cemetery. Micah has to come along, because Anita can't be more than two feet from a friendly frankfurter or she starts to hyperventelate. She dry humps him in front of a crowd of FBI agents, lawyers, a federal judge and a court stenographer "to remind herself she's alive." Yeah, breathe or something, and take a cold shower.
She raises the zombie, but because nothing can go right with Anita, it blames one of the people present for its death (even though the guy died of a heart attack). Somehow, the most powerful necromancer since time began can't control one zombie bent on destruction, and everything goes to heck. Maybe she should have humped the zombie too. Oh, and there's a Mafia hitman, but that's just extraneous violence.
Bonus: Anita becomes even more of a Mary Sue, because now she's a carrier of lycanthropy (not supposed to be possible). Not only that, she's carrying *four* different types! (leopard, wolf, lion and and an as-yet unidentified whatsit)
Sigh. I have a headache. Where's the aspirin?
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