Movie Report: Grendel

This movie sucks. It sucks so bad that it was on the Sci-Fi Channel. It sucks so bad there wasn't even a graphic on imdb.com for me to steal for this review.

In fact, it sucks so bad the only thing good to come out of it are blogs about how bad it sucks.

How does it suck? Let me count the ways.

• Even though the plot does follow the poem fairly well, I'll wager that the screenwriter has never read the source material. He might have picked up the Cliff's Notes at Borders.
• Marina Sirtis is in it. There's a sure sign of suckitude. She plays Queen Oneda, and she's crazy. Apparently, crazy means you apply layers of blush with a trowel. Crazy also comes and goes, because sometimes she acts reasonably sane. At no point does Sirtis act well.
• Beowulf has an annoying blond teenage sidekick, who has a equally annoying blonde girlfriend named Ingrid. They are nothing but pointless time fillers and kidnap bait.
• The script is straight out of a video game, complete with cut scenes. "Congratulations, Beowulf! You have defeated a giant snake! Now you must go to the land of the Danes and defeat Grendel. To do this, you will need Special Weapon X. Be sure to remember to collect gems for more life points!"
• The script also has such lines as "His Queen (dramatic pause) was a woman (dramatic pause) of great beauty." And "His sons (dramatic pause) were boys." So the king's wife was a woman and his sons were boys? Glad to know that.
• There's a big-ass crossbow looking thing that fires explosive bolts, usually in slow motion. It's got a scope (I'm not kidding, ya'll) and yet Beowulf misses almost every shot he takes with it.
• Heorot Hall looks very Roman. Beowulf's ship is kinda pirate looking. And everyone looks stupid in their horned helmets.
• The vast majority of the budget was spend on the special effects for the monsters, and they aren't that good.
• The "dark secret" of the Danes was pointless, confusing and pretty damn stupid.

While the movie was laugh-out-loud funny in multiple points (unintentionally, of course) it did nothing but suck.

How did it end? I don't know. I assume Beowulf got ahold of Special Weapon Y and killed Grendel's mother (called Hag in this flick) but I got bored and wandered off about a half-hour before it ended.

"Chupacabra: Dark Sea" was a masterpiece in comparison. And it had a poster!