Movie Report: "Chupacabra: Dark Sea"

I am a glutton for punishment.

Or maybe I'm just too damn lazy to change the channel.

Because Saturday morning I ended up watching this complete piece of drek (2005) on Sci-Fi.

The critter was a guy in a rubber suit, they used the same spray of blood effect on the wall at least four times, the plot had holes you could drive a truck through, and while "Terminal Invasion" was a solid, although not exceptional B-flick, this one was laugh-out-loud funny. Repeatedly.

I don't think they were trying to be funny.

Poor John Rhys-Davies, wandering through the film with dead eyes. You could see what he was thinking. Sometimes it was "I was in three Lord of the Rings films and now this?" The rest of the time it was "I'm so going to fire my agent."

But I did learn a few things:

I cannot respect a U.S. Marshal in a Hawaiian shirt, no matter how much he flashes the badge and tries to look cool.

Shooting a big-ass critter that can rip a man's throat out with birdshot just pisses it off!

The annoying old lady always gets whacked.

The magic stuff that will kill the monster always glows.

The stupidest Navy SEALs on record appear in this film.

But in case you don't think there's a payoff, just wait, because the captain's slutty daughter TAE-BOS THE CHUPACABRA!!!!!!!!

It's worth an hour of complete shit just to see that!

But I can't explain how bad this movie is -- I've got to show you: