Movie Report: Meet John Doe (1941)

Moviemakers seem to have forgotten something that director Frank Capra perfected -- how to be dark and proudly patriotic at the same time.

Because while this movie has a lot to say about the plight of the "little guy" and is highly critical of "rich fat cats," it still remains inherently optimistic about the good ol' red, white and blue.

A struggling newspaper columnist (Barbara Stanwyck, playing yet another tough girl) who's been handed her walking papers pulls a Stephen Glass on her final column, penning a completely fictional tale about a unemployed man who's fed up with the inequities of American life and has vowed to kill himself in protest on Christmas Eve.

Predictably, the story is a sensation, and to cover up that it's a work of fiction the columnist and her paper hire a down-on-his-luck ex-baseball player (Gary Cooper, in a great performance) to fill the part -- minus the jumping off of a building part.

Ironically for a paid "actor," John Doe becomes a symbol for integrity and humanity, and a movement promoting personal responsibility and being a good neighbor sweeps the nation. Enter the nasty rich fat cats, led by a manipulating moneybag who offers to finance the entire John Doe movement but plans to turn it toward his own political gain.

There are some creepy, yet telling scenes in here that mirror modern day a little too closely for comfort. "Americans need an iron hand," sneers character actor Edward Arnold. Is it wrong that he resembles Dick Cheney?

With a cast of great supporting actors and loads of Capra charm, the movie is a winner. The biggest misstep is Stanwyck's histrionics at the end, but the guy she loved was about to off himself, so I guess I'll forgive the screeching.

Dark, sweet, and memorable.

Movie Report: The Mummy (1999)

A lot of people have bad things to say about Stephen Sommers' blockbusters, but I like this one because it's fun, charming, and never tries to be anything more than a summer popcorn flick.

It doesn't even resemble a remake of the beloved Universal monster movie classic, but it doesn't have to. It takes the basic premise -- two pretty people and a murderous mummy -- and adds lots of quotable, funny dialogue, a couple of wacky sidekicks and about $50 million in special effects.

And, judging by its popularity and the many thousands of times its been rerun on cable at this point, I'm assuming that everyone who might possibly read a blog has already seen it. So you know what you're getting.

Brendan Fraser is fabulous in damn near everything, and I wish he did more movies. Here he's cool, calm and strong with a streak of sarcasm that made Rick more entertaining than your average rugged jaw hero. Fraser knows this is all in good fun, and every so often he practically winks at the audience to let us in on the joke too.

Pulp fun in an Indiana Jones vein. Don't take it too seriously.

Book Report: The Historian

Since the success of The DaVinci Code, there have been hundreds of authors trying to catch that lightning again, and its obvious that is what author Elizabeth Kostova intended here.

Now, while I'll freely admit that DaVinci wasn't the best-written book, it was entertaining. And I think that's what people caught on to. The Historian? Not so much.

I started reading it because it involved the Dracula legend, and we all I know I loves me some vampires. And while it's got some good points -- I liked the intertwining stories, and the descriptions of places like Budapest were very evocative. The idea of history influencing the present is always a good one, and really -- any book gets ten bonus points for having Dracula in it.

And then there's the other stuff.

1. This book needed an editor willing to cut at least 200 pages. It took me *forever* to read -- not because of its length, but because every time the author went into a rapturous six-page description of some medieval monastery I'd get bored and find something better to do.

2. It really needed to make sense. For a good mystery, there is a point where all must be revealed and the clues that have been dropped along the way all add up. The Historian does not have this.

3. Dracula's been playing this game for hundreds of years, at great expense, effort and detail to ... find someone to catalog his library? WTF? Couldn't he put an ad on Craigslist?

Why do I think this has all been an elaborate fanfic written by an under appreciated librarian?

4. Rossi (and others) keep repeating that vampires are completely unlike their depictions in movies and books and then the vampires act EXACTLY like their depictions in movies and books. This is where the author should have broken out and put a new spin on things -- all we found out here are that vampires are bookworms. Is that supposed to be odd?

5. Dracula is too much like a half-assed Santa Claus. He knows when someone is researching him halfway around the world, but not when someone's standing behind him with a gun loaded with silver bullets? He has to stay in his tomb, but he keeps popping up in England, France and Holland? He claims to be the author of modern life, but he can't keep track of his own damn books?

Sigh. Maybe my standards are too high for novels these days. Beach reading at best, but only if you turn your brain off and skip over the many plot inconsistencies and holes.

Movie report: Juno (2007)

Ah, the traditional birthday movie. My sweetie takes me to one every year.

I'd heard nothing but good things about this one, so off we went. It was a very good choice.

I've been ranting about characters in independent movies for a while. Far too often, they're too cute, too quirky, too different. It's a odd mish-mash of what people pretty far removed from "real life" think these people should be like. And most of the time, it's damned annoying.

Not so in Juno. These characters *felt* real, talked real, acted real. I half expected to find Juno and Bleeker hanging out on the bench in front of the TCBY when I left the theater.

Warm and funny, I especially liked that Juno's parents weren't screaming stereotypes and that the supposedly "perfect" couple from the Penny Saver was far from perfect. I could identify with Jason Bateman's character being uncertain about having fatherhood thrust upon him, and Jennifer Garner's nervous, fragile domineering proved she really can act.

If anything felt forced, it was the pseudo relationship between Juno and Mark. I could understand why he would have seen her as a chance to recapture a fragment of his rock dreams, but I never really understood why Juno would spend her free time with him.

Imminently quotable, and with a cool soundtrack that enhanced every scene, Juno's a must see, and probably a must buy. More little movies should be like this.

Birthday Wish List: 2008

A year has gone by, and I was looking at my wish list from last year. And it occurs to me that I actually did pretty well -- I got the majority of what I wanted.

So 2007 had its ups and downs, but overall it didn't suck.

In the interest of having another year that doesn't suck, I present the 2008 version of my birthday list. Items are in no particular order, so start shopping.

Thanks.

1. Some stability. It's tough to get a grip on something that keeps changing. If I can't have stability, I'd really like the same thing to be true two days in a row.

2. Lucky breaks. It would be really nice if things would go my way a few times.

3. Health and happiness for everyone I care about.

4. Unclipped wings. If this little falcon doesn't get to fly soon, she's gonna start pecking out some eyes.

5. A bed. A nice cushy bed that I can sink into and not wake up with a cramp in my hip 'cause the mattress is starting to deflate. We got rid of the majority of our furniture in the move, and I miss it. (Not my crappy old furniture, but the idea of furniture.)

6. While we're at it, how about an apartment full of kick-ass furniture? We can start with bookshelves (pie do I need a load of those) and then move on to pieces that satisfy my retro-cool desires.

7. More time at the beach. Nothing I've seen out here affects me as deeply as standing at the edge of the world.

8. A real vacation. It's been a few years since I had one, and it's time. I'd like it to involve majestic sights, stories to last a lifetime and at least one umbrella drink.

9. Jeans that fit. Preferably jeans that fit that are one or more sizes smaller than the jeans I'm wearing now.

10. To successfully knit socks and a sweater that both fit and are nice enough that I'm willing to wear them out of the house.

11. To sell something I've written that is non-work related and that I get actual money for creating.

12. Multiple pairs of hella cute hand-painted shoes. Anyone who's still looking for a present for me could start with these in a size 8.5.

13. More Pocky and milk-flavored Hello Panda. And the return of my beloved Sierra Mist Lemon Squeeze -- damn that stuff is tasty.

It's not too much to ask, is it?

Movie Report: Hellboy Animated: Blood and Iron (2007)

So we picked up the second Hellboy animated movie soon after seeing Storm of Swords. I likes me some Borders coupons.

This time we get the professor leading an investigation of a haunted house that has connections to one of his first, pre-Hellboy adventures. It seems to be at first your straight-forward vampire hunt, but then it gets really nifty.

You get a battle scene that doesn't tell you much about the characters or the plot. OK. Then as you coast through the story in a standard chronilogical fashion, the plot and the true nature of the event are revealed in a series of flashbacks that start at a pivotal event, and then preceed *anti-chronilogically.* So you get the intentions and motives both in the present and in the past. It's very clever, and since Blood and Iron has both a beginning and a end at the beginning and the end, it ties the story together nicely.

That being said, what in pie was Hecate doing in this movie? Was she just there to give Hellboy something to beat up while the professor carried the bulk of the story? The villain of this piece should have been the vampire, not a goddess tossed in for no good reason.

But I'll let it go in light of the ambitious storytelling. Here's to hoping that the next movie is even better.

Movie Report: Hellboy Animated: Storm of Swords (2006)

I liked the movie, I like the comic -- why not try the animated version?

Done is a stylized, pseudo-anime style which seems to work despite sometimes spotty animation, this tells a story that has some inspiration from the comics but then wanders off in its own direction.

Hellboy, Liz and Abe are dispatched to Japan, where a priceless exhibit has been damaged and a historian is missing. Hellboy soon wanders off to follow a strange, magical fox (like that's ever a good idea) and ends up trapped somewhere in time.

So we get a huge chunk of Red wandering through various Japanese myths and beating them up.

It's fun, and the writers obviously did some research into Japanese mythology. But it didn't have the snappy charm of other versions of Hellboy, and there were almost no quotable lines. So it just felt like it was missing something. I don't know what, but it wasn't there.

The voice acting is mostly pretty darn good -- they got Ron Perlman to do Hellboy, and that's all that really matters. But dang -- does Phil LaMarr have to do 30 voices in *every* animated production these days?

Worth watching, and I'm not disappointed that we bought the DVD. But not a must-see.

Movie Report: Strangers on a Train (1951)

Have you noticed yet that I have a thing for Hitchcock movies?

And this one is simply fabulous. In it's own way, it is even more absurdist and surreal than Vertigo.

With a masterful "criss-cross" motif, we get to see two men on wildly divergent paths and the disaster that results when they interact. Guy is your typical American type -- straight forward, honest, successful, handsome, hard working but a social climber. Bruno is his exact opposite -- gay, decadent, destructive, listless, scheming. Bruno's life is one of repetition, circularity, whereas Guy moves straight ahead. It is Bruno's achievement to move Guy into his realm (represented by the merry-go-round) and force HIM to transgress.

Bruno's transgression turns the world topsy-turvy. Whenever Guy is the main focus, he is filmed straight, with conventionally romantic music. But whenever Bruno intrudes, the atmosphere becomes carnivalesque, bizarre and much more fun.

Loads of suspense are lightened with splashes of black humor (Bruno in the audience at the tennis match, his teasing suggestive comments to Guy, and his mother's ridiculous paintings). This is a movie that take multiple viewings to catch all the little tricks and twists that Hitchcock throws in, and also all the jokes -- he pushes it to the line with the censors, and it's wicked in a fun, early 1950s way.

But what is really interesting is how Hitchcock makes the audience root for a psychotic murderer. While his actions and final words may damn him, you like him better than you do the white bread Guy.

Simply sublime.

Movie Report: Cloverfield (2008)

Never before has a big-budget Hollywood production spent so much time, money and effort to make a movie that looks this shitty.

Because I gotta warn you. If you are prone to motion sickness *at all,* be careful with Cloverfield. I knew I'd have trouble, I took anti-nausea medication before I went and I still got queasy. If I hadn't taken precautions, I'd have spewed a Subway Club on wheat (no cheese) all over the first four rows.

You have been warned.

Now, once you get over the vomit factor, Cloverfield is a nifty idea. It's not a big monster flick. It's got a big monster, and its pretty danged cool, but the movie's not about that.

It's more like a zombie survival flick, as it follows a small group of people very closely. So the premise really is "what would some normal people do in an incredibly not-normal situation?"

It also is very indicative of the modern YouTube generation. Nothing is real until it's recorded, analyzed, narrated and loaded onto a Web browser. Of course, writing these words on a blog, I feel kinda dumb. Not as dumb as the people who stopped to whip out their cell cams instead of RUNNING FROM THE GIANT SMASHY MONSTER, but I realize that I'm part of the problem. :)

The party takes up a full quarter of a relatively short movie, but it works, because it gives us a good idea of who all these people are without a lot of exposition nonsense. Then it's time for monster smackdown, baby!

We never learn that much about the critter, except that it's huge, presumably aquatic, incredibly cranky, and damn near invulnerable. It's also got skittery little monsters that fall off it like dandruff, because you've gotta have that Aliens factor in monster movies these days.

So very cool, rocket-paced action (do not get the large soda, 'cause potty breaks are a bad idea) that is a good start for the 2008 movie season.

What I want to see now is the sequel that explains what in pie was going on.

It's still alive.

Manga Report: Gunsmith Cats Revised Omnibus, Vol. 3

Guns, girls, hot cars and crazy action!

I love Gunsmith Cats. It's like reading an action movie. :)

So Rally's still dealing with the mess from last volume, and it's driving her crazy that she can't carry a gun or chase bounties. Doesn't help that everyone keeps rubbing her nose in it, either.

But she's determined to deal with Bean Bandit. And after Rally finds out that Bean's transporting another shipment of hallucinogens, he makes her a deal -- she stops him without firing a bullet or calling in the calvary, and he'll stop running drugs.

Now Bean's so danged hardcore he's got a bulletproof bandanna, but this time the battles are behind the wheel and Rally's relying on her much abused Shelby GT 500. We get a crazy car chase through the wilds of the frozen Midwest that reads like it's hopped up on crack. It's got the feel of the best of the over-the-top Hong Kong action flicks, and it's just masterfully done.

The second story is much different, and was a nice change of pace. Rally and Minnie May get mixed up in the story of a custody dispute between a professional stage magician and his stuck-up society wife. Kidnappings, criminal doings, mistaken identities and tricks abound, and one key clue is on the collar of a doggie. An extended flashback gives us some more hints about Rally's past, and I hope sets up for some final answers.

Book Report: Mistral's Kiss

At this point, I'm actually embarrassed to say I read another "novel" by Laurell K. Hamilton. But I did. And I'm gonna own up to it, even.

The first thing that amused me about Mistral's Kiss was that it says "a novel" on the cover. As if there would be some confusion. Then again, based on the fact that I started this book at the hair salon and had gotten four-fifths through before my hair had renewed highlights and a trim, there might be some dispute about whether this is actually a novel, or just an overlong submission for an Internet forum.

Two hundred and twelve pages, and I'm damn glad it was on sale. Grumble, grumble ... stupid authors stretching out short stories to make a buck ...

Anyway ...

About two books ago, Merry and her cadre of hunks were "invited" to the Seelie Court. Two books ago. THEY ARE NOT THERE YET!

In the sweet name of pie, could this plot develop any slower? Seriously -- get on with it already!!!

So basically we get four extended scenes. Three of them are sex scenes. And while I complain at length about the ridiculous sex scenes in Hamilton's Anita Blake books, these are just comical.

I really enjoyed the idea of Meredith as a wayward faerie princess in the first novels, and the framework of a race to produce an heir to the Unseelie throne at least provided a reason for the frequent, lusty bedroom antics.

But now she's picked up so many men that the sex scenes are starting to resemble a Cecil B. DeMille movie -- a cast of thousands, and you don't even know all their names. There is absolutely no emotional intimacy -- how could there be? She's hardly been introduced to half these guys!

Sigh. I miss Doyle.

So let me wrap up this one for you.

Merry bangs half a dozen hot faerie men. Another lost artifact appears -- they're practically falling on Merry's head at this point. Every body gets more powerful because of the return of the chalice. They celebrate by having sex. Andais is cranky about Merry getting more power and filling the Unseelie halls with bunnies and sunshine, but because she's not sleeping with Meredith, she's really got no part in this book. So she lets Merry do whatever she wants.

Merry has sex with three more guys. Someone tries to attack her, although at this point I don't know why they bother, because she's just going to bang someone and get more power. Which she does. A couple of characters die, others get new powers -- it's really all just set up for Merry to sleep with someone else. Which she does. The Wild Hunt is released, which you'd think would be a big deal. But it's not. Everything is easily resolved, and they all live to hump another day.

Silly, silly, silly. This isn't suitable for anything other than beach or hair salon reading.

Movie Report: Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (1958)

It's simply amazing what they could do when skirting around Hollywood's decency standards.

What some consider the heart of this Tennessee Williams play had to be cut -- in 1958, one simply did not have your leading man play a closeted homosexual. And while that may have ruined the film adaptation for Williams, who hated it so much he encouraged people to leave the theater, what's left is a talky, dramatic storm of a film.

Elizabeth Taylor is simply unforgettable as Maggie the Cat. She's so alive she practically vibrates off the screen, and her aching need for love is palpable. It's a confident, rich performance, and is justly considered to be one of her best.

And Paul Newman does what he can with the role of Brick, which is still a damn fine performance even if his role got chopped for the censors. Burl Ives is larger-than-life as the insensitive, domineering Big Daddy, and its wonderful how Newman makes his portrayal so different from Ives and yet so much the same. You can tell that Brick is a chip off the old block.

If anything spoils this movie, it's the happy Hollywood ending. Nothing would, or should, be tied up so neatly -- not for these people. That's one thing the play did much better.

Watch it for the performances, then read the play. It's the best of both worlds.

Anime Report: Ghost in the Shell: Solid State Society

Solid State Society picks up a couple of years after the events of the second series of the TV show.

Section Nine exists, but without the Major. Togusa is Aramaki's second now, but he's harder and harsher than he was before, and his relationship with his family is suffering. Batou is still missing the Major. And I'm not sure why the Tachikoma are back, but maybe Batou had them rebuilt so he would lose all his friends.

But fear not, because soon the Major reunites with her old friends as they track a murderous, "wizard-class" hacker known as the Puppeteer.

This all seems kinda familiar, but it's nice to see the band back together and the movie makes some interesting statements the effect of Japan's aging population on the culture.

So there's stellar animation, a wonderful music score, a nice engaging plot with corporate malfeasance and political double-dealing, all wrapped up in a nice "what if" ending.

If you're not already a fan of Ghost in the Shell you might not get it, but overall this is a solid continuation for one of my favorite series.

Movie Report: The Bucket List (2008)

This movie is not as sappy as the ads would make it out to be.

Fun and feisty, this movie seems designed for Oscar nominations, with two top actors (Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman) trading witty barbs, making hospital jokes and having tender man-bonding moments. I don't know if it's as good enough for the Oscars, but it ain't bad for a Saturday matinee.

I'm not going to get into the plot, because if you've seen the commercials, you can predict the plot. There are no surprises here. And I'm not sure if there need to be. This was basically a master class presented by two masterful actors, and we as viewers are just here to enjoy the show.

But bring tissues. I cried my way through the last twenty minutes, as I knew I would when I walked into the theater. The fact that it didn't bug me (I have a distaste for sappy "heartwarming" flicks) is a tribute to just how wonderful Nicholson and Freeman are to watch.

Movie Report: Jude (1996)

OK, so I'll pretty much watch any movie with Kate Winslet in it.

Which is how I ended up spending part of a Saturday night with this flick on cable.

Based on Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy, the movie follows the life of a learned but simple stonemason who gets hit with tragedy after tragedy. There's lots of crying, lots of struggling, and although the heart of the film is a romance, there are no hearts and flowers. This is a dark, messy affair, and very little happiness results from it.

What makes the film are two wonderful performances by Christopher Eccelston (yes, the one-time Doctor Who) and Winslet. As Sue, Winslet lights up the screen, and it's easy to see why Jude is so determined to pursue her despite everything that's stacked against them.

Beautifully depressing, this movie is a reminder of why sometimes it is a good thing to let go.

Movie Report: White Zombie (1932)

Another great horror movie that almost no one sees anymore.

Released the year after Dracula, White Zombie is the story of two basically clueless lovers visiting Jamaica as the guests of Legrende, an ominous plantation owner willing to do whatever he has to to get what he wants.

What makes this movie great is two things. First off, Lugosi is *perfect* as Legrende. He's eeevvvvvvvvviiiilllll, and it's wonderfully entertaining to watch him work. Secondly, it's striking how much the filmmakers did with an obviously minuscule budget.

Some scenes (the burial in the road, the zombies working the sugar mill) are downright creepy and will stay with you. My favorite, though, was the cantina. All you really see is one actor and some shadows on a burlap curtain behind them. With that, though, they manage to not only suggest a bustling seaside bar, but also the characters isolation and despair at being separated from his love.

A unique, forgotten classic.

Movie Report: The Mummy's Hand (1940)

Contrary to what even Universal Studios would have you believe, this is *not* a sequel to The Mummy.

Sure, it's set in Egypt. And there's a mummy. They even reuse some of the footage from The Mummy. But that's where the similarity ends.

This movie is a B-flick. It's a pretty good B-flick, but it's not a classic. Where The Mummy went for atmosphere and drama, this movie aims for yuks and a quick scare.

An out-of-work American archaeologist and his annoying comic sidekick stumble onto the location of Princess Ananka's tomb. The rope in a clueless stage magician and his daughter for funding, and away we go to the sands.

And there they run into the guy who steals the movie, the high priest of Karnak. He's pledged to protect the princess's tomb, even if that means he's gotta brew some wacky tea and wake up a mummy to chase the dumb Americans.

And these people are dumb. Princess Ananka's tomb is a set big enough to hold the Oscars in, and they are completely incapable of finding it!

A lot of the classic "Mummy" movie tropes -- the slow, foot-dragging guy wrapped in bandages, the tana leaves, the story of Kharis -- get their start here. None of this was in the original. It didn't need to be.

So have fun with this movie, but don't expect it to come close to the mood or atmosphere of the original.

Movie Report: The Mummy (1932)

If you haven't noticed, I love the classic horror movies of the 1930s.

And this is one of the best. Moody and atmospheric, The Mummy takes some inspiration from German Expressionism, mixes in a healthy dose of Egyptian mystique, adds in a dash of tragic romance and finishes it with a creepy, commanding performance by Boris Karloff.

Even better, this is one of the early horror movies made *before* the induction of the Hayes code, which did its best to suck all the horror and thrills out of film.

There are some obvious references to Dracula, including a few of the same supporting characters in Van Helsing and Jonathan Murray-type roles, but the standout performance besides Karloff's is Zita Johann as Helen. She didn't do many movies, but her exotic looks and obvious chemistry with Karloff make her perfect for this part.

And Karloff ... jenkies! With little more than some sandy-looking makeup, a doleful stare and that deep, slow voice, he creates a monster that is an immortal part of film history. No bandage-wrapped foot-dragger for this movie -- Ardeth Bay is powerful, driven and scary.

An intelligent thriller that stimulates the imagination.

TV Report: The Night Strangler (1973)

Well, it worked the first time ...

Carl Kolchak is back, only this time he's tracking the culprit in a string of Seattle murders.

Someone's offing showgirls, you see, and his MO is exactly the same as a killer who stalked the streets a century ago. Is it the same guy?

So Kolchak's on the case, and Vincenzo's there to cover Kolchak's ass and to complain about his wacky antics.

But this movie follows the same formula as the previous one, so everyone knows what to expect. Only Kolchak yells more. A lot more. He yells at Vincenzo, he yells at the police, he yells at the showgirls ... He yells so much I think he might need medication. If it starts to grate, just turn down the volume on your TV every time Darren McGavin takes a deep breath.

The script by Richard Matheson leans a little too heavily on pseudo-science, but that's easily forgiven. Add a nice supporting cast with some fun cameos (Margaret Hamilton, Al "Grandpa Munster" Lewis) and you've got a decent little flick.

TV Report: The Night Stalker (1972)

Dang they made some good stuff for television back in the day!

This is a low-budget yet thoroughly enjoyable vampire flick. Set against the searing sun of Las Vegas, a series of odd, bloodsucking murders are a headache for the authorities but an opportunity for an out-of-step reporter willing to believe almost anything.

This is the first appearance of beloved horror icon Carl Kolchak on film (there was a novel that the movie is based upon) and Darren McGavin totally inhabits the role, giving Kolchak his signature (lack of) style and in-your-face bluster. It's perfect.

Add a fine supporting cast, led by Simon Oakland as Vincenzo, and a fabulous script penned by author Richard Matheson and this is a great little movie. With better production values and some stunt men that weren't so obvious, it could have been a classic.

As it is, it's well worth tracking down on DVD. If you're a fan of the TV series, you've *got* to see the movies.

Marvel's Attitude Towards Its Fans

I really need to stop thinking about this ...

End of the Day

I'm not going to go into what a complete waste of paper the Spider-Man "One More Day" storyline was.

I'm not going to rage about lazy storytelling, complete lack of respect for the characters and heavy-handed editorial decisions that bork up thirty years of comic history.

I'm not even going to mention how amazingly stupid it is to say "Spider-Man can't get divorced, but deals with the DEVIL are okey-dokey!" Or how if this deal doesn't come back and bite Peter Parker in his regressed ass, it will be a severe injustice.

I'm just going to say Thank you, Marvel. Thank you for saving me nine bucks a month. Because hell will freeze before I buy any Spider-Man comics having anything to do with this lame idea.

If you want to know what I'm ranting about, you can check out Newsarama or Comic Book Resources, or just look for the cluster of comic fans foaming at the mouth.

But don't bother me. I'll be reading Booster Gold or perusing my DVD full of Spider-Man stories that don't suck.

"It's magic, it doesn't have to be explained."

Bite me, Quesada.

Comic Report: Uncanny X-Men in the 1970s

You, my friend, are a Mutant -- and I have need of Mutants -- Desperate need!

After years of reprints, Uncanny X-Men comes roaring back in 1975 with Giant-Size X-Men 1, which introduced a new, international team of mutants.

The story was that the original X-Men had been captured by the living mutant island of Krakoa, so Xavier recruits a new team to rescue them. The new team saves the day, and everyone (except the island, which gets pelted into orbit by a very cranky Polaris) lives happily ever after.

Apparently the new and improved X-Men (Wolverine, Storm, Nightcrawler, Colossus, Banshee and perennial leader Cyclops) were a hit with readers, because the original X-Men take their leave and the book returns with new stories and a new creative team headed by writer Chris Claremont, who would helm the book for the better part of two decades. And an era begins.

So the first few issues after the relaunch deal with getting the new team to gel. These are all adults, with different agendas and experiences, so the old rules didn't apply. Besides, I don't think Wolverine (who says "baby" way too often and is already hitting on Jean) would have taken too well to classwork.

Oh, and see ya Thunderbird and Sunfire. Don't let the door hit ya ...

We get some X-Men on X-Men action, the return of the Sentinels, and then Issue 101.

ENTER THE PHOENIX!!!

And damn ... Jean's sacrifice to save the team, her heartbreaking farewell with Scott -- this would have been a powerhouse of a storyline even without Jean rocketing out of the ocean with a cool new costume and phenomenal cosmic power.

The era of the Phoenix is one of the things that makes comics great. And these are some amazing, amazing stories. Jean struggling to deal with her power, the X-Men looking for their place, the introduction of Princess Lilandra and the Shi'ar, the X-Men's first ventures into space, battles with Alpha Flight and Arcade, the triumphant return of Magneto and his imprisonment of the entire team on Asteroid M ... wow!

And then it changes up even more.

In Issue 114, the team is split. Phoenix and Beast have escaped from the Arctic and believe the rest of the team has been killed. Brokenhearted, they return to tell Professor Xavier that his dream is dead.

In the Savage Land, the team mourns for Beast and Phoenix, and Scott finds himself unable to grieve for the woman he loved. Does this mean Jean wasn't the one for him after all?

The divided X-Men go through various trials and tribulations throughout the rest of the 1970s, reuniting for the Proteus storyline, in which we find one of the most powerful mutants the world has ever know -- and Moira MacTaggert's secret heartbreak.

These are just spectacular stories. If you're a comic fan, you must read them. If you've read them already, isn't it time to revisit them?

If only the comics I'm buying today were this good ...

Book Report: Frankenstein

This is another re-read for me. Welcome back, my Gothic, monstrous friend.

Hubris, love, hate, life, creation, identity, justice and responsibility are all mixed up in the tale of a privileged scientist who does what he can without considering if he should.

Frankenstein (the scientist) creates his "Monster" because he can. But then he shuns his creation, running away and leaving the creature to find his way about world. The Monster desperately wants Frankenstein's love. Frankenstein just as desperately wants to forget what he's done.

So the plot is simple enough, but its the characters and the expansiveness of their interactions that make Frankenstein the enduring work it is. I can't help but sympathise with both creator and creation -- one repenting his "unhallowed arts" for being "not in deed, but in effect" the curse and murderer of his family and friends; the other seeking any connection with a world he did not ask to be a part of and cannot do without.

The Creature tries everything from exhorting pity ("Was I then a monster, a blot upon the earth, from which all men fled, and whom all men disowned?") to villainy ("You are my creator, but I am your master; obey.") to gain a sliver of acceptance from Frankenstein -- it is only when that is denied him that he lashes out. In the end, Frankenstein and his creation are remarkably similar, and neither can alter the cruel fate to which they are destined.

Philosophy has a large part in this book -- Mary Shelley was the daughter of two philosophers, and she spends a lot of time considering the ethics of Frankenstein's actions, and using those actions as a way to criticize the Industrial Revolution. Yet she also uses the Monster's story as a way to refute one of the major theories supported by her parents -- educational reform. Although the Monster learned language and became quite well-read, this did not make him a part of the "human family." The only thing that can do that -- acceptance by his creator (and the world at large) is forever denied him.

While Frankenstein is a rather short novel, it can also be one that's a bit of a slog. The large sections of philosophy may put some off, as may the loving, travelogue-like descriptions of the Alps and liberal use of fifty-cent words. But that's Gothic literature for you.

So while Frankenstein isn't, for me, as good of a curl-up-and read book as Dracula, it's still a classic. If you haven't read it, you should.

Everywhere I see bliss, from which I alone am irrevocably excluded. I was benevolent and good, misery made me a fiend. Make me happy, and I shall again be virtuous.

Movie Report: AVPR: Aliens vs. Predator - Requiem (2007)

OK, that title is officially ridiculous. It might be longer than the damn movie. I feel dumb just typing it.

And let me be very clear. This movie is not art. It's not even close to art. It's at least seven miles away from art, which is about 40 minutes in Bay Area traffic.

But I didn't want art. I just wanted to see some Predators whooping some Alien ass.

So the Predator ship from the last AvP flick crash lands into a high school slasher flick. Chaos and facehugging abounds.

The movie is a laundry list of cliches, gimmicks and lame plot devices. It could have been written by a bunch of fans on some forum, and it probably was. Do NOT look for any logic, rhyme or reason in this movie. There is none.

What is there? Outrageous, over-the-top, glorious violence. Carnage that would make a fanboy wet himself. You get introduced to a wide variety of typical small town types. Don't get attached to any of them. They're gonna die.

And there's one bad-ass Predator. If Chuck Norris had dreads, he could be this Predator. I liked him.

They kill pregnant women and kids with glee. Nothing is safe. And the complete lack of a plot gave J and I plenty of opportunities to crack jokes as the movie was running.

Hilariously, clownishly violent. Don't go unless you want to see Looney Toons with buckets o'blood.