Movie Report: Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (2007)

OK, I knew what to expect from the name of the movie: 90 minutes of cock jokes.

And sometimes that works.

An Airplane-style parody of the slew of musical bio pics (Walk the Line, Ray, etc.) this is played hilariously straight. It's so spot-on to the source material that it even pulls many of the same tricks -- middle-aged actors playing teenagers, too much reliance on the drama of drugs, groupies and divorces and glossing over the subject's actual life.

Set to a kick-ass soundtrack, of course.

Now, John C. Reilly can actually *sing* (he got an Oscar nod for Chicago) and Walk Hard uses that to great effect as Dewey performs everything from 50s pop to country to 1960s protest songs and a so-horrible-its-funny disco remake of his greatest "hit." Tim Meadows, who's third-string at best, is surprisingly funny as Dewey's sidekick/drug pusher.

And random full-frontal male nudity must be the new hotness in Hollywood comedies. But then again, with a name like Dewey Cox ...

All that is pretty good, but the real gem of Walk Hard is the script. Almost too clever, the script is jammed with quotable lines that actually get funnier after you leave the theater. It's so smart it needs time to sink in.

Because I left the theater saying "that wasn't bad." Two days later, I'm still laughing every time I remember one of those bits. That's better than "not bad."

Give it a chance, but Walk Hard may need more than one viewing for full effect.

Let's go play machete fight. Ain't no terrible tragedy gonna happen today!

Comic Report: She-Hulk: Planet Without a Hulk

C'mon everybody! We've got one last chance to wrap up every damn plotline in the series!!

Shulkie McBeal ready to forget her "accidental" marriage, but as soon as she returns from dealing with Eros she finds out she's been "recruited" by SHIELD.

Congratulations Jen -- you're now Tony Stark's bitch.

Teamed up with a wacky Hulkbuster team (that includes an android named Agent Cheesecake) Jen takes on Zzzax and the Abomination, the latter of who just seemed to want some hot wings and a showgirl.

Inexplicably, she then spends an issue as Wolverine's sidekick. Not only was it just plain silly to have her fighting Wendigo in her undies (in the snow, of course), Jen seems to be regressing as she hits on Wolverine. Wolvie rejects her, saying he's not interested in Juggernaut's sloppy seconds, leaving Jen protesting that she never did the nasty in the pasty.

Jen then starts up an ill-advised affair with Stark, showing that her taste in men is actually worse than her taste in fashion. But it all goes sour, of course, after she finds out what *really* happened to her cousin and goes apeshit.

While I always enjoy seeing Iron Man get thrown a beating (see Thor) this one seemed like a set-up. It was just another time to show Tony as a dick, as he zaps Jen with a super-weapon that takes her powers away.

Add into all this craziness Awesome Andy's origin and the resolution of his romance with Mallory, the return of Pug (and the resolution of his love for Jen), the fate of comic nerd Stu Cicero, the law firm defending The Leader with an argument that gamma radiation affects the psyche, the deal with Mr. Zix, the return of Jen's powers *and* a story that attempts to explain every comic continuity problem of the last 40 years, and dang -- that's a lot, ya'll!

A decent end to a good run, I would have preferred to see this spread out a bit and given a more careful treatment. But it was still fun.

With the complete reset of She-Hulk, I've added this to my single issue pull list. We'll see if it stays there.

Movie Report: National Treasure: Book of Secrets (2007)

Not great, but not bad, either!

Far fetched but ingenious, this movie plays like a video game, right down to having some nifty little puzzle traps.

A crazily convoluted plot boils down to this: History nut sets out to prove his ancestor wasn't the mastermind of the plot to kill Lincoln. Two hours and about 15 clues later, nothing much is proved -- but we found the city of gold, so who cares!

I did have a good time watching it. Oh yeah, I knew the vast majority of the "historical secrets" they dug up (the desks were a neat bit of trivia) and I giggled at the thought of stone levels literally moving the face of a mountain, but I still had a good time.

The characters are likable and fun, and I think that helps. Nicolas Cage was far, far less annoying than he was in Ghost Rider, so bonus points for that. Ed Harris, oddly enough, was the weak link -- but I blame that on the script. He's the bad guy, but he swings wildly from threatening to kill everybody one minute to practically joining the team the next. It's dumb.

The nifty cool car chase in London makes up for that, though -- and props to the director for being one of the only ones lately to use a Steadicam! It was nice to actually be able to *see* what was going on!

Ridiculous, exhausting and entertaining -- and I'm sure there's gonna be a third one.

Movie Report: Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

It's a slasher flick. It's a musical.

And I think it's my early Oscar pick.

Because this is simply fabulous. Horrific and hilarious, the photography is perfect (the light/dark contrasts and use of splashes of color are spectacular), the direction tight and reasonably free of Tim Burton's flights of self-indulgent fantasy, and the singing is even pretty good, for a bunch of non-professional singers.

And Johnny Depp ... oh ... my ... gosh. He's crooning lovingly to his razors one minute, and plunging headlong into madness the next. The man can *sing,* and not only is his acting absolutely perfect (and Oscar worthy) he actually manages to still be hot with an inch of pale pancake makeup and a hairdo that's reminescent of the Bride of Frankenstein.

The other performance that can't be ignored is Helena Bonham-Carter. Her Mrs. Lovett has a sweet, sad unrequited love for Todd, and she pours emotion and depth into the performance without resorting to screeching or fawning. She takes a murderous baker and makes her break your heart. It's wonderful.

The trippy seaside sequence is perfect, and keep an eye out for Sasha Baron Cohen proving that he can be more than Borat.

This is an immediate classic, and I'll be buying the DVD the day it is released.

It's been a long time since I enjoyed a movie this much.

Movie Report: The Thomas Crown Affair (1999)

What can I say? It was heist night.

This isn't an action movie, or a thriller. It's a stylish, sexy, cat and mouse game between two very charismatic people. Focus on that, and you'll forget that the crime could have been solved by rewinding a security tape back a few more minutes.

The dialogue is snappy and charming, the sets exotic and sumptuous, and the dance scene ... damn. The soundtrack alone is worth checking the movie out, and it enhances the action nicely.

But really, the whole movie hangs on two people: Rene Russo and Pierce Brosnan, and they keep me entertained. Add in a strong supporting performance by Dennis Leary and you've got yourself a nice little turn your brain off date flick.

Movie Report: Entrapment (1999)

Let us have no illusions: The star of this thief flick is Catherine Zeta-Jones' ass.

Because that's all a lot of watchers are going to remember -- Catherine in a catsuit sliding through a web of yarn that supposed to mimic a laser grid. I think the movie was made just for that scene.

But I am a fan of the stylish heist flick, so one night when I was bored I popped this in the DVD player.

Logic is not a big player in this movie. There are repeated bullshit moments, and the plot (which has large chunks stolen from Superman III) is pretty silly. The romance is ridiculous. And for some reason Sean Connery has superpowers -- because I consider repeatedly disappearing into thin air a superpower.

There are the good parts. Catherine Zeta-Jones' ass (if you're into that sort of thing). Sean Connery as an aging master thief adds some needed style and gravitas. The photography is fabulous, and Scotland should be using the gorgeous footage of the castle in the Highlands as a tourism promotion.

But if defeating super high-tech security systems and dancing away with billions in cash and priceless art was as easy as these two make it out to be, I'd be planning my next heist (Starry Night might look good in my living room) instead of writing this blog.

Movie Report: Lust, Caution (2007)

After we left the theater on Tuesday, my sweetie made an interesting observation: Jackie Chan is the only Chinese filmmaker allowed to make a movie with a happy ending.

Not to say that Lust, Caution wasn't lush, beautiful and engaging -- just that it's kind of a downer.

The story of a naive college girl who gets mixed up in the resistance to the Japanese occupation of China, this story is drenched in espionage, fear and tension. Wang's circle of friends goes from putting on patriotic plays to deciding to kill a Chinese collaborator almost as a summer lark.

They have absolutely no idea what they're getting into, and after they insert Wang into Mr. Yee's circle (where she plays the role of a bored housewife) they're at a loss of what to do.

And while there has been a lot of talk among reviewers about the graphic sex scenes (and they are pretty damn graphic) I found the scenes where Wang is "broken in" by a friend and the murder of Yee's employee to have been far more disturbing.

The sex scenes between Wang and Yee, in contrast, are full of lust and emotion, but they're a battle between them. They love one another and hate one another at the same time. When they're having sex, it is the only time they can be alive, without fear or caution.

And the rare scenes where Yee drops his guard and reveals his human side (in the brothel, when he gives Wang the ring) are the best in the film. He may be a seemingly powerful government minister, but he's as trapped and exploited as Wang is.

Director Ang Lee lays the souls of his characters bare, unfolding their lives like flower petals. It's beautiful and heartbreaking.

Comic Report: Teen Titans: Titans Around the World

One year after Infinite Crisis, and the Teen Titans are in shambles.

Superboy is dead. Wonder Girl's off the reservation. Starfire is missing and presumed dead. Beast Boy has rejoined the Doom Patrol. Raven has quit the hero game. Kid Flash is all grown up and is the new Flash. And Cyborg is in assorted non-functioning parts.

From the chaos, though, we get a good, solid relaunch of the title. Some new members (notably Deathstroke's daughter Rose, now calling herself Ravager) join the team. An old Titan is back from the dead. We meet some of the dozens of people who were briefly part of the team in the chaos after Infinite Crisis, and we get the start of a mystery involving them.

And Deathstroke, who is always one of my favorite Titans foes, is back causing trouble. I'm a happy comic fan. There's also hints of greater drama -- Robin has a troubling new hobby, and there's some ... tension between him and Wonder Girl.

In all, a great relaunch to what is a stellar comic series. If you're interested in Teen Titans but unwilling to drop the cash on all of the previous trades, this would be a good place to start.

Comic Report: Teen Titans: Life and Death

Infinite Crisis meets my beloved Teen Titans.

There's several stories in this book. First off, we get Jason Todd continuing his rise-from-the-grave bitchfest by attacking Robin at Titans Tower.

I don't want to see any more of Jason Todd. I actively dislike Jason Todd. He was a whiny little brat when he was Robin, and no one was very sorry to see him dead. Now he's a whiny little murderous brat with dead boy issues. This is not an improvement!!

Somebody, please -- put Jason Todd back in the ground where he belongs.

As if this isn't bad enough, the equally whiny teenaged Brother Blood is back, and this time he's resurrected all the dead Teen Titans to be his new "family." Raven and Beast Boy take a trip to the underworld to find a way to fix the problem, and you get some really nice interaction and the start of an unlikely romance. Awwww.

And since this seems to be the volume of whiny little boys with super powers, Superboy Prime makes his appearance and beats Superboy into super pulp.

In the most formulaic part of the storyline, Robin and the Titans have to brave a bunch of Lex Luthor's deathtraps to retrieve a serum that will save Connor's life. Yawn.

But Connor is saved, and he and Cassie retreat to Smallville for some soul searching and some nookie ... in a barn. Awww.

Now, I know some people have criticized the sex scene, but I thought it was very tastefully done. They're teenagers, they've been dating for a long time and geeze -- if you faced death every day, wouldn't you want a little touch after all this time?

And then there's the Infinite Crisis, and the Titans teaming up with Donna Troy to thwart Fanboy Prime and not-Luthor.

Poor Connor. At least he got lucky before that all went down.

TV Report: Night Stalker (2005)

As a fan of the old Night Stalker movies and TV show, I was stoked to hear there was going to be a new version on TV.

I didn't watch it, for some reason, and I guess no one else did either, because it was canned after a handful of episodes. Now you can get all of the ones that were produced on DVD.

This had potential, but I think it was far too much of a slow burn for the television crowd. You got hints of mystery and a bigger conspiracy, but no reveals.

And the Carl Kolchak in this version is very, very different from the one we old school fans know and love. Stuart Townshend played Kolchak as a sleepwalking male model, not a middle-aged, blustering hack in a straw hat.

And if that weren't bad enough, he gets saddled with a perky reporter/sidekick/love interest/rival (Gabrielle Union) and a kid photographer who follow him around like puppies. Someone obviously was aiming for the Clark/Lois/Jimmy vibe, and I don't think that works for Kolchak. He's supposed to be the lone voice in the darkness.

Vincenzo was even warm, fuzzy and completely supportive of Kolchak's investigations. I was very confused.

Of course, it was chock full of those newspaper inaccuracies that make me giggle. Like the complete lack of journalistic ethics, reporters and photographers wandering through crime scenes like its a cocktail party, and journalists who live lives of the rich and famous.

Kolchak's a lowly crime reporter -- who drives a shiny new tricked-out Mustang and lives in an amazing house in the Hollywood Hills complete with an in-ground pool. On a reporter's salary.

Yeah, right. Tell me another fairy tale.

Everything about this show was languid and hypnotic. The pacing, the stories, the long, lingering shots of L.A. -- even the music and narration, which was reminiscent of a credit card commercial. There was absolutely no urgency or intensity, and that was sorely needed.

So it had promise, but never lived up to it. Pity.

Movie Report: I Am Legend (2007)

I really, really liked the first four-fifths of this movie.

Much like The Last Man on Earth, I Am Legend does a great job with setting up the bleak existence of the sole survivor of a vampire/zombie virus that has decimated the planet. The suspense scenes, in particular, are exceptional. It's rare these days to find a movie that's actually scary.

And Will Smith does a phenomenal job with the main role, packing it full of emotion and anger sliding into insanity. You laugh with him, you cry with him, you jump out of your seat when he gets scared, and you cheer for him.

Which is odd, because one of the basic questions of this movie is "who is the monster?" Has Neville's mindless pursuit of a "cure" and an end to the zombie plague made him the one to be feared?

Unfortunately, two big things mar this film. The CGI work on the animals and the zombies is subpar at best. You always know you're looking at a computer-generated animation.

And the stupid kid and pseudo-happy ending may have made the film execs happy, but I didn't like them at all. They spent so much time painting this dark portrait of madness and despair -- and then tossed in some daisies for no damn reason.

I think if I watch this again on cable or DVD, I'll turn it off five minutes before the end. Then it will be a great flick.

Movie Report: Blade Runner (1982)

One of the many advantages of living in the Bay area is a wider selection of movies than in the Midwest.

So I thank geography for getting to see the new director's cut of Blade Runner on the big screen.

This is, for many people, the sci-fi movie. And while I'll grant it is one of the giants of the genre, I think it's up to personal taste whether it's THE BEST MOVIE EVER.

I love Blade Runner because it's a hard-boiled noir detective drama wrapped in a sci-fi shell. And the filmmakers acknowledge that -- the dark photography, the dialogue, the moody jazz and blues soundtrack -- even some of the costumes and hair could have been lifted straight out of a Sam Spade flick.

It's postmodern, it's disjointed, it's fantasy, fear and futurism -- and it's got one of the best villain speeches ever put on film.

You're not a fan of sci-fi films unless you've watched this movie (in its multiple versions) multiple times and had a late-night argument about it over coffee. Maybe pizza.

But I still kinda miss the narration.

Comic Report: Teen Titans/Outsiders: The Insiders

Pre-Infinite Crisis, there was a break in the Teen Titans, where you knew *something* had happened but no one would say what.

This is what happened.

Superboy decides it's time he told the Titans he's got two daddies -- he's a clone of Superman and Lex Luthor. Then he kicks the team's collective asses, shaves his head and takes off.

Around the same time, we meet Indigo, the cutesy robotic member of the Outsiders.
Now she's glowing with funky pink circuitry and calling herself Braniac 8.

That ain't good. It's time for some multi-issue fight scenes occasionally broken up with crying about betrayal.

It's obvious that this was set up since the very beginning of the Teen Titans relaunch, and while it's not bad, it's not high comic art either. But it does get the team in position for Infinite Crisis, and Connor in the headspace he needed to be in for that storyline.

Pick it up if you want to know how Cassie got crunched, but it's not essential reading.

Manga Report: Ai Yori Aoshi 17

And at long last we've reached the end of our story.

The resolution to the Kaoru-Not Kaoru situation seems kinda rushed, but it works. There's some drama, some tears, and then everybody's happy.

The main part of this volume seems to be the big deal of this entire 17-volume manga. They finally do THE DEED. But these chapters didn't work for me -- maybe it's because there was a little too much resigned giving and not as much um ... enjoying?

We get a flash forward to the future, and get to see where everyone ended up. It's cool, but also feels tacked on.

Anyway, happily ever after, and Kaoru finally gets laid.

Movie Report: Cat People (1942)

This is one of my favorite of the classic horror flicks, and it's cool because of what it *doesn't* show you.

It's a premise you might not think would work: Sweet Serbian girl lives in New York and thinks she's cursed. If she falls in love, she'll turn into a cat person and go on a rampage.

So we've got an elaborate metaphor for the loss of virginity and repressed lesbianism and ... the All-American fella who loves her.

Married but not getting any, Oliver turns to a co-worker for some ... satisfaction. Enraged and wild with jealousy (and egged on by a freaky psychologist) Irena lets her inner kitty loose and wreaks some serious havoc.

This is an understated, suggestive story that uses what you don't see to greater effect than any cheesy catwoman costume could have. One of the best and creepiest scenes involves the other woman being followed in the park. First you hear the clicking of the heels of her stalker ... then you don't. It's a great scene that has been redone in dozens of movies.

Shadows and suggestion, this is one of the absolute best psychological thrillers made. I can watch it again and again and get something new every time.

Movie Report: Enemy of the State (1998)

I have no idea why I stayed up late to watch this, but I did.

A reasonably entertaining action thriller, Enemy stars Will Smith (not quite succeeding in the Everyman role) as a top-flight attorney who gets caught up in a big government murder conspiracy completely by accident.

The biggest thing this movie has going for it is its supporting cast. Jon Voight, Gene Hackman, Gabriel Byrne, Jason Lee, Seth Green, Jack Black -- they hit it out of the park as far as casting goes. It's even got Lisa Bonet as the smoking-hot ex-girlfriend turned co-worker from wives' nightmares.

Nice little movie that plays upon the fears of Big Brother and constant observation (is anyone reading this? oh noes!) Enemy was made in 1998, but seems to be almost prophetic of the post 9/11 world.

But political commentary is *not* why someone watches a movie on late-night cable. So stay up for this one for its kick-ass chase scene and classic movie references.

Not bad, but not worth going out of your way for.

Movie Report: No Country for Old Men (2007)

Why do so many Coen brothers movies involve dead guys and a bag full of money?

This movie is about three things: Temptation, cynicism and evil. Evil, evil, evvvvillll!

And it's bleak. It's dark. It's vicious. And it's as sparse as the wind-swept West Texas landscape where it's set.

There is not a spot of humor to relieve all the darkness. And ultimately, nothing the good guys do (and good guys is a relative term here) makes any difference. It's almost nihilistic -- don't go if you're already depressed.

Two things stood out for me -- Tommy Lee Jones was absolutely perfect, as always, as the beaten-down sheriff. And Javier Bardin was creepy, psycho creepy as Anton. Given that he goes through the movie with a haircut that would not look out of place on a Monkee, that's saying something.

Good movie, but crazy depressing.

Dark, dark, DARK.

Movie Report: The Last Man on Earth (1964)

This severely underrated Vincent Price flick is the first film version of Richard Matheson's "I Am Legend."

And I don't know why more people don't know about it.

Price does an amazing job with the depressing day-to-day existance of the last man on an earth overrun by vampires/zombies. He spends the majority of the film reacting with nothing to play off of, but you really get a sense for the hopelessness of his existance. He lives simply to keep on living, and he doesn't know why.

Stark and minimalistic, the film goes for the jugular without ever resorting to histronics. Even the deaths of Price's wife and daughter are handled with a bleak, resigned dignity.

And for the film historians in the crowd, this movie was made *four years* before Night of the Living Dead. Yet you can see its influence in some of the most memorable scenes of NotLD, as well as in every zombie movie that's been made to date.

Creepy and absorbing. Check out this overlooked classic.

Why Peter Parker Shouldn't Dance

Or maybe, why this sequence shouldn't have been in Spider-Man 3:

Movie Report: Beowulf

In 3-D!!!!!!!!!!

Ever since I first read and fell in love with the epic poem, I've wanted to see a really good film version of the tale.

I'm still waiting.

But I will definetly put this one in the range of "doesn't suck." Way better than Grendel, in fact.

Visually, I thought it was very impressive. The 3-D effects were good without being too intrusive, and it was rare that the movie makers strayed into "Lookie! 3-D!" territory.

There is still a disturbing flatness to the faces (especially the eyes), though. It's something the technology needs to improve on to really catch on.

This is the same problem that made Polar Express the creepiest kids' movie ever made. Even the trailer gave me the willies because of the conductor's dead, dead eyes. It's slightly better in Beowulf, but Wealthlow in particular really suffered.

The absolute best effect in the movie is Grendel's mother's twitchy, sexy prehensile braid. Simple, but used with great effect.

In plot, Beowulf resembles the epic poem in parts, and veers off wildly in others. I will admit I don't understand *why* Neil Gaiman made some of the plot choices he did. Maybe he thought the poem wasn't enough like Desperate Housewives.

And parts of the dialogue were just laughable. The "I .. am ... BEOWULF!!" got real old real fast -- just give the dude a name tag already.

I did like that Beowulf (Ima here ta kill ya monstarr!) did rip off Grendel's arm, even if he had to smash it in a door to do it. But he does it in the weirdest nude wrestling match since Borat -- a few well placed swords and candlesticks are all that stand between this movie and an NC-17 rating.

In fact, if this movie is set in the far reaches of Northern Europe, where presumably it is *cold* for much of the year, why do so many people spend so much time wearing little or nothing at all?

Actually, even though I've already rambled on for quite some time, just go check out Unlocked Wordhoard. He's got all the info for ya, and can review this movie better than I can.

Because I was left with a lot of questions.

• Did Beowulf really lose an epic race becase he stopped to have sex with a mermaid?
  Exactly *how* does one have sex with a mermaid?
• If Grendel hated noise, why did he spend all his time screaming?
  Why weren't people smart enough to get off a bridge being smashed to bits by a dragon?
• What fun is it being king if you can't fight and you have to wear armored miniskirts all the time?
• Why did Beowulf need so much instruction on how to kill a dragon? Isn't "aim for the glowy spot" self-explanatory?

And most importantly ...

Why in the name of pie did Grendel's mother have HIGH-HEELED FEET????

Book Report: Dracula

This is a re-read for me. Every few years I've got to revisit it, like an old friend. Welcome back, Dracula -- you're still a great read.

And while Dracula is quite possibly the greatest horror novel ever written, it's also an enduring classic of Victorian literature.

You already know the plot (or at least you think you do) and most of the characters, so I'm not going to get into that. But understand that Dracula the novel is very different from most of the film versions of it.

It's very grounded in the Victorian mindset -- men openly show their emotions, weep, and exhibit great passion. If you were expecting the famed British stiff upper lip, you won't find it here.

And the men's reverence for the virtue and innocence of women (Lucy and Mina) is almost religious. And the Count doesn't hold any great passion for either of them -- Lucy is food, and Mina is revenge. He attacks her in retaliation for the destruction of some of his havens.

In the beginning, Mina sticks to the traditional female roles: worrying about her husband and his friends, crying in secret so they won't know, bringing cheer to their gatherings, yadda, yadda. But she possesses a will and intellect that's the equal of any of them, and eventually she's a valued and essential part of the team hunting Dracula. It's quite a liberated position for a woman of the time.

Another thing that's interesting about the novel is the lack of a clear protagonist. It's Jonathan Harker at first, but then it switches to being a story about the group of friends, with none of them taking a dominating role.

It helps that Bram Stoker is a genius of characterization -- the novel takes the form of a series of letters and journal entries, and through them you get to see all of the characters extremely well. Even minor characters such as Renfield (who was *not* Harker's associate, and *does not* work for the Count) are drawn clearly and distinctly.

Erotic without being overly sexual, bloody and shocking without steering into the gruesome, rich and complex, Dracula the novel is much more than the movies you know. It's an absolute must-read.

This night our feet must tread in thorny paths or later and forever the feet you love must walk in flame.

Movie Report: Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny

This is another movie where you either get it or you don't.

Now, I like Tenacious D, so I got it. Others might not be as cool as me. ;p

From a hysterical, over-the-top opening featuring Meatloaf as an abusive father, this flick rocks along as it alternatively worships and skewers rock gods and cliches.

Weird, wonderful and stuffed with cameos, this is possibly the only movie in existence that features both a dream sequence with Sasquatches (Sasquachi?) and a bit extolling the virtues of Satan. And if you're not familiar with Tenacious D, the music is surprisingly good -- KG and JB rock pretty hard even as their singing things like "Dude I really miss you."

And playing an electric guitar solo on a lute? Hardcore, yo!!

Well worth a watch.

Movie Report: Southland Tales

Whoa. Trippy.

Richard Kelly does not do simple, easily digestible movies (see Donnie Darko). But his moves do tweak your brain in some interesting ways.

This of this as a bunch of excellent YouTube clips strung together with a cast full of people you actually recognize. Yes, there's a story -- there are several, in fact, and they twist around one another like weeds -- but ultimately, I'm not sure the overall story is as important as the way the paths intersect.

Then again, this is the first time I've seen someone fire a Syrian rocket at a zeppelin while standing on an ice cream truck that's been lifted high over Los Angeles by the power of two identical souls touching, so I might be wrong.

This is the way the world ends ...

Movie Report: Galaxy Quest

It's rare that someone produces a sci-fi comedy; it's even more rare when a sci-fi comedy is danged funny with a good story as a bonus.

Clever, witty and surprisingly well-done, Galaxy Quest does a better job at being a Star Trek movie than any Trek movie in recent history.

Because Galaxy Quest gets *everything* right. It loves the fans as it mocks them. It delivers all the good bits while skewering the cliches. It actually ends up being *heartwarming* without being cloying, and I normally *hate* heartwarming flicks!

The geeks save the day. The good guys win. The bad guys provide entertainment for the masses. Everyone gets witty, quotable stuff to say. Stuff blows up.

And that, my friends, is what you want out of a movie like this.

Comic Report: Green Arrow/Black Canary: For Better or for Worse

So one of my favorite comic couples, Green Arrow and Black Canary, finally got around to getting hitched recently. After about ... oh, 35 years or so of dating.

And then Canary promptly stabbed him in the neck with an arrow on their wedding night.

Ah, comics -- you gotta love 'em.

Anyway, in celebration of the happy event, DC released a compilation of some of the best GA/BC stories.

Great idea -- lousy execution.

Because when I want to read a story, I want the *entire* story, dangit! Don't just print 10 pages or so with an editor's note! I get into a good Frank Miller story and we're clipping along and WHAM!

Where's the rest?

And there's not even anything here from the Brave and the Bold team books or Green Arrow's adventures with Green Lantern, and that's where this romance started in the first place!

So while I enjoyed the things that *were* reprinted here, it just left me wanting more.

Comic Report: The Avengers: Kree-Skrull War

Three cows ... shot me down!

It seems that I'm romping in comic history this week. First the X-Men, and now it's a classic Avengers run that was one of the first *epic* storylines.

This story, originally published in Avengers 89-97 (first published in 1971-72), finds the Earth in the middle of an intergalactic war. The Kree and the Skrull hate one another, and if the destruction of a planet neither of them care about will help them destroy each other, it's all good.

And it's up to the Avengers to save us all.

Now, these are the cool Avengers. The ones that work together and save the day and try to be heroes once in a while. Not like today's Avengers, who mostly bicker, fight each other and get beat senseless by petty villains like the Hood.

While these Avengers have their issues (Captain Marvel is a Kree, which means he either has to betray the planet he's come to call home or his native race; Hawkeye's struggling with being a "normal" on a team of super powered heroes; Vision is trying to deal with the conflict between his android nature and his growing love for Scarlet Witch) they don't let it get in the way of the bigger goal. They get the job done. That's very important.

I'd like to see some of today's emo babies in capes take a page from the old school.

The dialogue is a bit dated, of course, and there's too much of a reliance on pseudo-science. But it was the 1970s. I'll let them get away with it. Because not only is this an iconic story, it's danged fun to read, even 35 years later.

Quite possibly the essential Avengers story.

Comic Report: Uncanny X-Men in the 1960s

OK, Uncanny X-Men through 1970, if you want to get correct about it.

The first run of the series, 1-66, ran from 1963-1970, when the title was cancelled due to low sales.

As you might be able to tell, I got an itch to start learning my comic history. Having access to a pieload of old comics on DVD-ROM, I chose to start with the Uncanny X-Men.

Everyone knows the X-Men. But I didn't really know their stories. I've heard about the Phoenix saga, and I've seen the cartoon and movie versions, but I wanted to actually read the stories and really get to understand these characters. So I called up Issue 1 and started from there.

This team was really different when it first launched. First off, you have the entire idea of "mutants" being introduced. No irradiated spiders, cosmic storms, aliens or gifts from the gods here -- these people were born *different.*

And so many people fear what is different. Prejudice and bigotry were strong themes in the beginning of the X-Men, and that has continued for more than 40 years.

While the Stan Lee/Jack Kirby writing in the early issues strays into the cheesetastic (I started to giggle every time Cyclops said "Damn my mutant eyes!") the stories are exceptional. Magneto, the ultimate X-Men villain, is introduced in the very first issue, which also sets up the concepts of "good" mutants protecting humanity from the "evil" ones.

Other signature characters and concepts introduced very early in the series include the Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver (their struggle with which side to support is a major plotline), the Blob (who just wants to be left alone), Juggernaut, Toad, Unus, Ka-Zar, the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, Asteroid M, the Sentinels, the Trask family, Cerebro, the Savage Land -- it's amazing how much was crammed into these stories!

So who are the X-Men?

Professor Xavier -- You see the hints of petty tyrant in Charles in these early stories. Yes, he cares about his students (even harboring an unrequited love for Jean) but he loves ordering them around. And he's far more likely to pull stunts like wiping memories, overt mental control or rewriting someone's life (poor Blob). He's got the power, and he's gonna use it. Ethics don't seem to be a big concern.

Interestingly enough, he's also got a cybernetic harness that allows him to walk in a limited fashion, but that disappears after a few issues after it appears.

Marvel Girl -- Sweet, unassuming and the girl that everyone's crushing on. Jean rarely gets to be the one that saves the day. It's far more likely that she's the one who's got to stay in the back with the Prof. The weakest of the team, she's the costume maker and the cookie baker.

And while her "will-they-or-won't-they" romance with Cyclops takes up *a lot* of time, I found myself warming to Jean. Knowing what happens to her, it's interesting to see how different it is from where she started.

Cyclops -- Desperate to prove himself worthy of Xavier's trust, desperately in love with Jean, and in desperation over his "damn mutant eyes." Cyclops never seems to get a break, but he's a strong leader, and it is these early stories that define who he is today.

Beast -- this was before any of the secondary mutations turned him into the blue, furry beast you know and love. Now he's a kinda goofy looking guy with big feet and a big brain. Happy-go-lucky and prone to hanging out in beatnik bars (it was the 60s, yo!) Beast just wants to have a good time.

Iceman -- Bobby is younger than the rest and wants to prove himself. He's also the most likely to pull stupid stunts and mess up, just to remind us he's young.

Angel -- Rich, handsome and he can fly! That's it -- just fly. All that other stuff comes later. He plays a role in the Cyclops/Marvel Girl romance, but Angel gets too few chances to shine.

What about the stories?

Like I said earlier, a lot of the concepts and characters that appear again and again in the X-Men make their debuts here.

We get a lot of "bad mutant, good mutant" bits early. The first stumble is the addition of former bad guy Mimic to the team (to replace an ailing Angel), but that is quickly rectified and Mimic becomes the first X-Men booted from the roster. But it's the issues with Magneto, the Brotherhood and Juggernaut that really stand out.

There's a major misstep in Issue 42, when Xavier kicks the bucket! The FBI (???) swoops in and kicks everyone out of the mansion, and the team is split up. Jean and Scott are in New York, Beast and Iceman in Cali, and Angel presumably had enough cash to go wherever he damn well pleased.

So we stumble around for a while with duo books, and nothing fits quite right. It's the introduction of Polaris as "Magneto's daughter" that gets the team back together. And Issue 50, with the striking change in cover style, becomes the first "modern" X-Men comic, IMHO.

One of the things that might have killed this series in its early days was the blatant retcons. Magneto dies -- coupla times -- and gets sent into space "forever" once. But somehow, he's always back in a few weeks.

Death's cheap in an X-Men comic, but c'mon!

And I really, truly believe that the writers *intended* for Xavier to die. When he comes back in Issue 49, he's got some lame-ass story about having switched places with a shapechanger off-camera.

I don't buy it. I went back through the issues in which Changeling appears, and there is *no* hint that he does a switcheroo with Xavier, or even that he wanted to be a do-gooder! So I don't buy the line that he knew he was dying so he wanted to play cripple for a while.

The writers killed off Xavier and split up the team. It didn't help sales, so they brought 'em back together. End of story. Own up to it.

And the alien invasion (the Z'Nox) that Xavier was supposedly in seclusion to find a way to defeat? Lame. It was far overshadowed by the storylines introducing Polaris and Havok.

In fact, with those two notable exceptions, the book never really finds its feet again after the breakup. Maybe it was better to put it to bed with Issue 66.

Because while the characters were the stuff of comic history, maybe even history needs a break once in a while.

Comic Report: Teen Titans: The Future Is Now

Back to the big stories.

There are two storylines in this volume of Teen Titans, and they very may well be the ones that define the series.

In Titans of Tomorrow, the Titans are sent 10 years into the future, where they are confronted by a much darker version of ... them. Not only is this a great story where the kids confront what they might become, it also offers a lot of hints that point toward Infinite Crisis and even some things that could happen after Infinite Crisis. In all a great story.

And in Lights Out, we get some of the repercussions from Identity Crisis. Dr. Light is back -- and he's got his full power again.

Now he wants revenge for the years of being a plaything for the heroes' children -- and he'll get it by destroying the Titans.

A bevy of past Titans reunite to fight the threat, and it's cool to see them all get handed their collective butts by someone they used to dismiss as moronic.

Simply great. Even if you don't decide to read all of the Teen Titans trades, this might be one to pick up.

Comic Report: Teen Titans: Beast Boys and Girls

If the name didn't give it away, the focus is on Beast Boy in the third volume of Teen Titans.

First we get a reprint of a Beast Boy mini from 1999. Gar's on his own in L.A. and trying to make it in acting. Unfortunately, someone's killing off people linked to his old TV series, and they want to hang the rap on a certain green guy.

It's a fun little story with lots of drama and humor. I especially liked Teen Titan wannabe Flamebird. Bette may not have the best hero skills around, but she's got heart and charm and a crush on Robin that just won't quit.

Then we jump back into the current Teen Titans timeline with an attack by a new villain -- the Zookeeper. Zoo's an old acquaintance of Beast Boy's now deceased parents, and he's infecting every kid in San Francisco with the virus that made BB what he is today!

There's some good butt-kicking here, but Zookeeper doesn't really catch me as a cool bad guy. This felt like filler.

Poor Gar -- all he wants is to be a star.

Comic Report: Teen Titans: Family Lost

OK, so there's a new Brother Blood (again). This time he's a petulant teenager with *severe* Mommy issues and he wants Raven to be his bestest girl. Forever.

The theme here is fathers and daughters. Raven's trapped in a situation she doesn't want to be in and can't control because of who her father is. But having a demon for a daddy has to have some serious drawbacks.

And then there's Deathstroke. He's still cranky over what happened in the first story arc. He's got a daughter too, but Rose has been kept away from him her entire life.

Since he can't have his son back, he'll have his little girl, one way or the other. I had some serious sympathy for Rose, who gets severely f'ed over (but gets a cool new costume in the process).

Like Runaways and Young Avengers, these teenaged heroes rock. Check 'em out.

I Made It! Rose's Wristwarmers

Yes, I am enough of a geek that I fandom knit.

The above is an image from the "Doomsday" episode of Season Two of the new Doctor Who. Rose had some rockin' knitwear throughout the show (and I still like her better than Martha) but I really, really liked the fingerless gloves that she wore in this scene.

It was a good scene. I cried. I coveted knitwear.

Luckily, I was not alone. A Doctor Who fan named Christina Slattery also coveted knitwear, and she was talented enough to make a pattern for the wristwarmers after studying the screengrabs.

I grab two balls of Jo Sharp Alpaca Kid Lustre and we're in business.

This was a pattern of firsts for me. First time using itty bitty bamboo double pointed-needles. First time doing elaborate cables in the round.

And first time I had to restart a glove *four danged times* before I got it right! There was much, much swearing.



I'm very happy with the finished result (even with the laddering that I couldn't stop due to the placement of the cables), but if I make them again I'll make a few changes.

These are very close-fitting, and I think I'd like them a bit splooshier. So I'd go up a needle size or two, or even consider switching to a worsted weight yarn. And I might made them a bit longer over the hands for extra warmth.

But cool fandom knit! Go me!

Comic Report: Teen Titans: A Kid's Game

Since I'm starting to be a fan of Geoff Jones' writing, a friend recommended I check out the most recent relaunch of Teen Titans. (Note: The comics bear little resemblance to the mangaed-out Cartoon Network series.)

Kudos to Amazon.com for having some good discounts on graphic novels. Check it out before you pay full price.

The new series starts with a new team. Starfire, Cyborg and Beast Boy reunite and recruit new kids Robin (the Tim Drake version), Superboy, Wonder Girl and Impulse (who renames himself Kid Flash). Raven joins later (after she gets her body back).

This is a likable bunch. This was really my first major interaction with the new Robin, and he's very cool. And I know that Kid Flash didn't have a lot of fans, but I find him fun in an annoying kid brother kind of way. At least he's *trying.*

Superboy's rocking the emo, but being a clone with two daddies *and* have the great Boy Scout attempt to cheer you up by giving you *Krypto* the super dog has gotta be a drag.

Jones starts the story out with a bang. The new team hasn't gelled, but Deathstroke is there with a simple message -- Kids shouldn't wear capes. And he's going to get his point across, even if it means killing someone.

Oh yeah -- I'm sure that the fact one of his kids (Jericho) died when he was doing the hero thing with the Titans doesn't color Deathstroke's opinion at all. Right.

But I dig the "once a Titan, always a Titan" vibe, and it was cool seeing the kids stand up to Wonder Woman and spit in her eye.

Fun, full of action and with a danged good story. Don't pass Teen Titans by because you think its for kids.

Movie Report: Spider-Man

Another movie I'll watch again and again -- nice without being so spectacular that it distracts from my knitting.

The good thing is that it's not just special effects. The acting is strong, and we get a good sense of both Spidey's joy when he's web slinging (the first time he does is one of my favorite scenes) and the general pathos that is Peter Parker's life. A little bit of emo, but a lot of four-color fun.

The bad thing is Green Goblin's costume. Who in pie thought turning him into the Green Ranger was a good idea? It blows, and it's doubly disappointing because Willem Dafoe has such a great range of expressions. He could have pulled off the part without the helmet!

The story is *loosely* based on the original, because Hollywood never saw a comic book it didn't want to rewrite. But it captures the *spirit,* and that's enough for me.

One of the better comic adaptations. Watch this one and the stellar Spider-Man 2, save the third flick for when you're drunk or want to laugh.

Comic Report: Alias 1-28

I first encountered Jessica Jones in The Pulse, a short series detailing her work at the Daily Bugle and pregnancy. I dug the character, so I wanted to read more.

The omnibus edition of this series is out of print (and out of my price league) so I was stoked to find this entire series on eBay for about $20. Bagged and boarded and in VF-NM condition, even. Go eBay!

Jessica Jones may have some superpowers, but she isn't a super hero. She's an alcoholic, foul-mouthed (This series launched Marvel's MAX line and they delight in tossing around f-bombs) depressed, self-destructive private detective whose life is full of dysfunctional relationships and one-night stands.

At least she tries to do the right thing. Sometimes.

But even as she swears up and down that she's not a hero, she doesn't want to be a hero and she's not cut out for the world of heroes, she can't get away from them. She gets a case that involves Captain America's secret identity. She does jobs for Matt Murdock. She sleeps with Luke Cage. She dates Ant-Man (the Scott Lang version). She lunches with Ms. Marvel. She investigates missing mutants.

Jessica just can't get away from supers. Because she used to be one.

Uhh, NOT! Here's a favorite trick of writer Brian Michael Bendis. Make a new character, and retcon them into having been a key part of the Marvel Universe all along. It works with Jessica (went to school with Peter Parker, almost became an Avenger). Other times that Bendis has done it (Sentry, the Hood) -- I just want to kick his teeth in.

So there never was a perky teenaged hero in the 80s named Jewel. And she didn't disappear mysteriously. Except now there was, and she did.

Get it?

OK, unless you're a comic fan you don't. Let's move on.

Continuity issues aside, this is a simply fabulous comic for grownups. Bendis' writing is real, gritty and practically perfect. This is my favorite work by Bendis, and Jessica is one of my favorite characters in the Marvel Universe. (And she's probably a Skrull. Sigh.)

The art by Michael Gaydos has a urban, rough edge that reminds me of Frank Miller, but works for this project.

Just how good is Alias? Bendis takes a third-string, lame-ass villain like the Purple Man and makes him cool. Not only cool, but SCARY. I was very impressed.

With the current direction of the Marvel Universe (Civil War, the Skrull plot, etc.) there are a handful of series that *everything* goes back to. Alias, the little book that no one read, is one of those. There are a lot of answers here.

So read it if you're a Marvel fan, or read it if you're not. Because this is simply amazing comic art.

Comic Report: Batman: The Long Halloween

Oooh, this was a good one.

An epic nod to Batman: Year One, The Long Halloween follows a series of murders that occur on holidays. A young Bats is there to try to solve the crimes, which revolve around a crime boss named "The Roman."

We get to see a lot of interesting things here. You start to see the supervillains taking over from organized crime. You see Batman struggling with a crime his great detective skills can't crack. And you get a lot of a young Jim Gordon and Harvey Dent (foreshadowing abounds!) and their troubled relationships with their wives.

Even though the graphic novel clocks in at more than 350 pages, it is tight and well-crafted, with no filler. Each of these 13 issues means something, and I was flipping back and forth as clues were revealed to see if they had been hinted at in previous issues. For the most part, they were.

The art has a noir feel without being too gritty, and Poison Ivy's appearance is as trippy as it should be. This was a great read, and I'm pleased to say I didn't predict the killer 100 pages before the end. It's nice to not always know what's coming in a mystery.

I'm going to call this an essential read for Batman fans. It'll help if you know your Gotham history first, but if you don't, it's still a damn good detective story.

Comic Report: Infinite Crisis

Every so often, the world of DC gets so borked up the only thing you can do is flip over the chess board and so sulk in your room.

The first time this happened, Crisis on Infinite Earths, a whole bunch of heroes died (heroically, of course) and the many different Earths were all squished together into one. Just one, that's it, there's the world, take it or leave it.

Except it's not.

Four survivors of the crisis (the Golden Age Superman and Lois Lane, Earth-Prime's Superboy and Alex Luthor, the sole survivor of a world where Lex Luthor was the world's greatest hero) have been chilling out in a paradise bubble all this time and watching the DC world like it's The Truman Show.

But after events like the destruction of the JLU, Bats getting a brain wipe and Wonder Woman capping a guy, they're no longer reality TV fans. They want to fix things.

Oh, and did I mention that Superboy is batshit crazy and Alex Luthor is a megalomaniaical super villain?

Yeah, I thought that would be important.

So you get Superboy Prime vs. Superboy, Superboy Prime vs. the Flashes, Superboy Prime vs. the Teen Titans, Superboy Prime vs. damn near everybody, Superman-1 vs. Superman, Superman-1 and Superman vs. Superboy Prime (are you sensing a theme here?), Batman vs. his super computer, Alex Luthor vs. the Titans ... smackdowns abound, and there are plenty of those splash pages chock full of heroes that George Perez does so well.

Geoff Johns (who is quickly becoming one of my favorite comic writers) ties together way too many loose ends in a competent fashion, and even readers who aren't completely up on what's been going on will be able to follow the story.

The action is brutal, though, and at times over the top. People just don't die -- they get splattered across three pages. There's so much blood it could be a horror comic. In comparison to the original crisis, the brutality is shocking.

But all is kinda OK in the end, and there are a bunch of Earths again.

Until there's not. DC is already setting up for another crisis.

Sigh.

Manga Report: Gunsmith Cats Burst 2

I loled before I even opened the cover of this volume, because whoever was sticking those stupid "parental advisory" stickers on this put it right on top of Minnie May's coochie.

But in this volume, Bean veers dangerously close to being a nice guy, Rally loses something precious to her, and a crazy corrupt cop transfers to Chicago for the sole purpose of putting Bean out of business ... permanently!

The action clips along nicely with the story of Rally's wayward bounty more or less being wrapped up. The heavy focus on Bean has me missing some of the other supporting characters, but it's alright for now. I don't want to go too long without a real good dose of Minnie May, though. Grenades are good.

Manga Report: Gunsmith Cats Omnibus Vol. 2

Yay! More gun-toting, fast-car-driving, miniskirt-wearing goodness with the Gunsmith Cats!

Unlike Volume One, which seemed to have several filler chapters, this collection hits the ground running with the conclusion of the Cats' hunt for Grey.

We then get introduced to a new villain, the drug-dealing lesbian dominatrix Goldie. I think the Russian hitwoman in the anime was supposed to be based on Goldie, but if she was, the makers of the anime got it wrong.

Goldie's brutal and doesn't care who gets hurt if she makes her bank. She releases a dangerous psychotropic drug onto the streets of Chicago, and then sits back to reap the proceeds. When the Cats interfere with her business, Goldie decides she doesn't want to punish Rally, she wants to *possess* her.

And she'll do anything to get what she wants.

Rally's in her stickiest situation yet, and Minnie May's calling in favors to try to save her. But even if she makes it out alive, Rally won't ever be the same.

Movie Report: The Forbidden Zone

This performance art piece/movie was made in 1980 by the Mystic Knights of Oingo Boingo, which morphed into the band, which morphed into Danny Elfman, the composer who makes zillions writing film scores.

Imagine if you will a Betty Boop cartoon mixed with boobs and *a lot* of LSD. Add in Alice in Wonderland and the Inferno, and then run the whole mess through a David Lynch movie.

I watched it when I was hopped up on cold medication and it hurt my brain.

That is all.

Movie Report: 30 Days of Night

It's October, so there must be vampire movies!

And for a vampire sorta zombie movie, this one wasn't bad. In fact, J and I liked it enough that we picked up the graphic novel the movie is based on today.

30 Days of Night returns vamps to their feral, bestial roots. Black trenchcoats, mouths full of fangs, speaking a super-secret vampire language with a guttural growl. And there's not a whiff of romance to them.

And I'm glad. The vampire as sexual predator bit is getting tired, and I think I'll scream the next time I see a story with the plot of "I met a super-hot vampire and he banged my brains out."

So we get a tiny Alaskan town cut off from the outside world and facing 30 days of night. Vampire buffet! So they send in a ringer (with possibly the worst dental work ever seen on screen -- GROSS!) to wreak some havoc and then move in for the kill.

And kill they do. These vamps aren't neat eaters, and it appears that they rip through the majority of the town the first night. Which caused for me a bullshit moment. If they need this much blood and they're this brutal, the human world would have caught on long before now. If they were just having some good, old-fashioned blood orgy fun, they wasted 28 days or so of night. Because what do you do now that the town's dead? Have a quilting bee?

In this case, they spend the rest of the time hunting down a handful of plucky survivors led by Josh Hartnett, who can't rouse himself out of his sleepy drawl even when there's a nasty, fangy vampire breathing down his neck.

I did like, though, that everything the humans did seemed *real.* There were no random fireballs from crashed cars, and no superhuman feats of strength. Some of them were kinda dumb. They got grubby as the days passed. It looked, and felt, like what would actually happen.

Yeah ... and then someone punched through the back of someone else's head. But it was danged cool, and it was a climatic point for the flick, so I'll give it a pass.

This was a very stylized, cool-looking film, for as gritty and grubby as it is. There's a long, overhead shot of the town during the massacre ... wow. You won't forget it.

Movie Report: Elizabeth: The Golden Age

I have another urge to try to catch up with my reviews. Lets see how long it lasts. :)

I'm a fan of 1998's Elizabeth, which was one of the first movies that turned me on to Cate Blanchett. So I've been excited about a sequel ever since I heard they were making one.

First, a warning for the History Nazis in the crowd. This movie plays very fast and loose with Tudor history. It is not a documentary. It is a drama. They picked and chose which bits they wanted, altered others, and dressed it all up in costumes that should win an Oscar. If you cannot deal, please go watch the History Channel.

That being said ...

Blanchett is amazing as Elizabeth, and this is one of the roles that will define her career. She exudes power, strength and a delicate vulnerability, and commands your attention every time she's on screen. Her Elizabeth is radiant and triumphant, even when she's beaten. She's marvelous.

The film's pacing is deliberately as slow as a royal procession, and I think it adds weight at points where the director veers a bit too far into "oh, I'm a middle aged woman without a man" territory. The pace also suits Elizabeth's focused, rigid persona.

The film itself is beautiful. The camera may do one too many swoopy motions, but overall, the effect is very impressive. The Spanish Armada sequences, in particular, were wonderful -- not the ships, the ones with Elizabeth and her advisers.

And hey -- nice to see you, John Dee!

But there was a bit too much style for the substance. Exactly how many times do we need to see Elizabeth as an angel?

And while Clive Owen made for a scruffy, sexy Sir Walter Raleigh, the plot with him and the lady-in-waiting was a tired rehash from the first film. Seriously, you think that anyone wanting the favor of the queen would learn to keep his hands off the maidservants.

Go for Elizabeth. Enjoy the pagentry. Ignore the rest if you must.

Movie Report: Idiocracy

In a world ruled by Britney Spears, the remotely normal man is king.

Sigh.

So Mike Judge of Beavis and Butthead fame sets out to make his version of Planet of the Apes. Only this time, we're the damn dirty apes, and Luke Wilson (playing a remarkably average army brat) is Charlton Heston.

Low-brow, heavy-hitting, and riddled with satire, Idiocracy is the story of what happens to the world when all the smart people stop having kids and the human race devolves into a bunch of reality TV watching, beer swilling, sex crazed idiots.

So it's almost like now. :)

This 2006 movie got buried in the theaters, and was, ironically enough, dumbed down for release, with a bunch of needless narration and expository material. But I think it will have a nice life on DVD, much like Office Space did.

Well worth a rental or a watch on cable.

Movie Report: The Big White

Money, Death and Snow.

Robin Williams is playing a travel agent at the end of his rope. He's out of money, his business is failing, his wife is crazy and a hardcore insurance agent won't let him cash in a $1 million policy on his missing brother.

So when he finds a frozen body stashed in his trash, it could be the answer to his dreams, right?

Not so fast!

The insurance agent (Giovanni Ribisi) is hell-bent on sniffing out the plot, even if it means screwing over his life and his long-suffering psychic hotline girlfriend. The wife is seriously, hysterically nuts (Holly Hunter plays the hell out of this). The Keystone Krooks who stashed the body in the garbage need it back. And hey? Is that the missing brother?

A wacky, Fargoesque black comedy that was made in 2005 but apparently never released in theaters, The Big White has a stellar cast and a plot full of impossible coincidences.

The finale is flat-out violent, but before that, we get an overdose of "independent" film making -- long, artsy shots of nothing, overly quirky characters, brutal humor and copious amounts of sarcasm.

Funny, in an indie way. Too bad so many film makers are following the same map.

Has independent cinema become a cliche?

Movie Report: The Night Listener

No, not the Night Stalker. That was Kolchak, yo!

Robin Williams does a dramatic turn as an author and radio show host whose much younger lover has left him. Reaching out for someone, he gets involved in the story of his biggest fan, an abused teenage boy dying of AIDS.

Wise beyond his years, the kid has written a searing book detailing the years of sexual abuse. So Williams' character starts talking to him, gets wrapped up in his life, and when questions of identity arise, he's determined to find the answers.

First off, I'd like to point out that there are very few fourteen year old boys enthralled by talk radio. Maybe that should have been the first clue something was rotten in Denmark.

Based on an event that happened to author Armistead Maupin, the movie clocks in at a brisk 90 minutes but never seems rushed. Maybe it's the slow, hypnotic tone of voice Williams uses throughout, or the long, slow shots of Wisconsin snow, but this is a movie that feels like its taking its time.

Fabulous acting by Williams and Toni Collette make this worth seeing, but don't expect a Hitchcockian thriller. The mystery will be answered in its own way, but this is about story, not suspense.

Movie Report: A Heaping Helping of American Pie

In a sign that I've never really grown up, I occasionally enjoy the teen movie, a genre built around the premise of characters who will do anything and endure any embarrassment for the chance to see a girl naked.

I'd like to see a movie based around a bunch of sex-starved teenage girls for once, though -- they're out there. They're raunchy. And they're well represented ... in comedy manga.

Anyway, one drab weekend (yes, they have those in California) the sweetie and I watched all three American Pie movies!

There were many, many, dick jokes.

First up is the original, American Pie. Of course, I can't see this movie (or Jason Biggs) without thinking of Biggs' "I'm the pie fucker!" wail in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. So I start giggling every time I see him. He could play a serial killer, and I would giggle when I saw him.

"I'm the pie fucker!!!!!" roflcopter.

Built around the universal premise of "we've got to get laid on prom night," this movie has a group of pseudo-geeks (seriously, most of them should have been getting some touch before) going through various trials and tribulations for a little action. Add in Shannon Elizabeth as a foreign exchange student (with the worst accent EVER) who's more than happy to show her boobs to a nerd and you've got a movie.

This movie works because Eugene Levy makes any movie funny and because the characters are all likable. You want to root for these guys. Even Stiffler. Everyone gets laid, everyone is happy, and Alyson Hannigan absolutely steals the movie as a sex-crazed band geek. No one who's ever seen this movie will ever look at a flute the same way again.

Say my name, bitch!

American Pie made a ton of money, so of course we had to have a sequel. This time the guys rent a house on the beach for some summertime male bonding and tail chasing.

The makers of the movie realized the comic chemistry between Finch (Eddie Kaye Thomas) and Stiffler (Seann William Scott) this time though, so much of the film is sparring between this modern odd couple.

They make a cute pair. I'm touching his ass I'm touching his ass I'm touching his ass ...

They stick to the formula of sexual situations and slapstick, while giving the fans more of what they want -- more Michelle, more Stiffler, more horrible things done to Jim's dick, hot lesbians and a big party scene where once again ... everyone gets laid.

The "Smooth Criminal" scene is a killer, as is the walkie-talkie bit. That will be imitated and parodied in movies for years to come.

The bit with Nadia was forced, though, because by the middle of the movie you could really see the relationship between Michelle and Jim blossoming, and I was rooting for Jim to wise up and get the girl he *really* wanted.

It might have been a better movie, though, if they had the guts to cut a few characters. Oz and Heather have no reason to even be in this movie, and I didn't care at all about Kevin and Vicky's drama llama. In fact, I spent much of the movie wishing Kevin would shut the fuck up.

A few years go by and you get American Wedding.

Jim and Michelle are still getting it on like horny little monkeys and now Jim wants to pop the big question. And since most people in the movie are getting laid on a regular basis, we get more of a comedy of errors.

Oh, don't get me wrong, there's still lots of sex (the bachelor party is hysterical). But more of the movie is about Jim trying to impress Michelle's parents and dealing with wedding disasters.

By now the movie's makers have this down to a science. So it's the Stiffler show. He has the majority of the movie's jokes, and while some of them are great (the dance off, the bit with the hotel clerk) I just wasn't that interested in his quest to nail Michelle's hot little sister. Now, if they had given Finch more screen time, those two's duel for her virginity would have been really something.

And, of course, you had to have the redemption bit, as Stiffler saves the day and proves he's not a complete asshole after all.

I found it hard to believe, though, that Jim had never met Michelle's parents, considering that in the first movie they all lived in the same town. Was she ashamed of her bitch?

Thankfully, the cast had been cut down, although Kevin was still there to annoy the pie out of me. Of course, this is probably the only job the actor can get, so you've got to make allowances.

The worst part of the movie for me, though, was that they basically relegated Michelle to playing straight man except for one or two bits. What, once you decided she was pretty she can't be funny too?

I hope I never get too old to appreciate a few good dick jokes.