Movie Report: A Heaping Helping of American Pie

In a sign that I've never really grown up, I occasionally enjoy the teen movie, a genre built around the premise of characters who will do anything and endure any embarrassment for the chance to see a girl naked.

I'd like to see a movie based around a bunch of sex-starved teenage girls for once, though -- they're out there. They're raunchy. And they're well represented ... in comedy manga.

Anyway, one drab weekend (yes, they have those in California) the sweetie and I watched all three American Pie movies!

There were many, many, dick jokes.

First up is the original, American Pie. Of course, I can't see this movie (or Jason Biggs) without thinking of Biggs' "I'm the pie fucker!" wail in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. So I start giggling every time I see him. He could play a serial killer, and I would giggle when I saw him.

"I'm the pie fucker!!!!!" roflcopter.

Built around the universal premise of "we've got to get laid on prom night," this movie has a group of pseudo-geeks (seriously, most of them should have been getting some touch before) going through various trials and tribulations for a little action. Add in Shannon Elizabeth as a foreign exchange student (with the worst accent EVER) who's more than happy to show her boobs to a nerd and you've got a movie.

This movie works because Eugene Levy makes any movie funny and because the characters are all likable. You want to root for these guys. Even Stiffler. Everyone gets laid, everyone is happy, and Alyson Hannigan absolutely steals the movie as a sex-crazed band geek. No one who's ever seen this movie will ever look at a flute the same way again.

Say my name, bitch!

American Pie made a ton of money, so of course we had to have a sequel. This time the guys rent a house on the beach for some summertime male bonding and tail chasing.

The makers of the movie realized the comic chemistry between Finch (Eddie Kaye Thomas) and Stiffler (Seann William Scott) this time though, so much of the film is sparring between this modern odd couple.

They make a cute pair. I'm touching his ass I'm touching his ass I'm touching his ass ...

They stick to the formula of sexual situations and slapstick, while giving the fans more of what they want -- more Michelle, more Stiffler, more horrible things done to Jim's dick, hot lesbians and a big party scene where once again ... everyone gets laid.

The "Smooth Criminal" scene is a killer, as is the walkie-talkie bit. That will be imitated and parodied in movies for years to come.

The bit with Nadia was forced, though, because by the middle of the movie you could really see the relationship between Michelle and Jim blossoming, and I was rooting for Jim to wise up and get the girl he *really* wanted.

It might have been a better movie, though, if they had the guts to cut a few characters. Oz and Heather have no reason to even be in this movie, and I didn't care at all about Kevin and Vicky's drama llama. In fact, I spent much of the movie wishing Kevin would shut the fuck up.

A few years go by and you get American Wedding.

Jim and Michelle are still getting it on like horny little monkeys and now Jim wants to pop the big question. And since most people in the movie are getting laid on a regular basis, we get more of a comedy of errors.

Oh, don't get me wrong, there's still lots of sex (the bachelor party is hysterical). But more of the movie is about Jim trying to impress Michelle's parents and dealing with wedding disasters.

By now the movie's makers have this down to a science. So it's the Stiffler show. He has the majority of the movie's jokes, and while some of them are great (the dance off, the bit with the hotel clerk) I just wasn't that interested in his quest to nail Michelle's hot little sister. Now, if they had given Finch more screen time, those two's duel for her virginity would have been really something.

And, of course, you had to have the redemption bit, as Stiffler saves the day and proves he's not a complete asshole after all.

I found it hard to believe, though, that Jim had never met Michelle's parents, considering that in the first movie they all lived in the same town. Was she ashamed of her bitch?

Thankfully, the cast had been cut down, although Kevin was still there to annoy the pie out of me. Of course, this is probably the only job the actor can get, so you've got to make allowances.

The worst part of the movie for me, though, was that they basically relegated Michelle to playing straight man except for one or two bits. What, once you decided she was pretty she can't be funny too?

I hope I never get too old to appreciate a few good dick jokes.