Movie Report: License to Wed

What can I say? It was the second feature at the drive-in!

Two blandly pretty people (Mandy Moore and John Krasinski) fall in love in a blandly pretty way and decide to get married. Her dream is to get hitched in the family church with good, old Reverend Frank, and so of course he agrees.

Um, yeah ... Reverend Frank (Robin Williams) is a psycho.

The plot of the movie is that Frank puts the couple through an over-the-top, comedic "marriage course." Along the way, Frank and his creepy kid sidekick commit several felonies and make these poor people *miserable.*

And I was sad too, because I had to watch it.

It's all played for laughs, and it's not that funny -- even Robin Williams can't help that much. If he would have played this character straight, he would have been eeevvviiiilll. That would have been a much, much better movie.

Skip this Meet the Parents wannabe, even if its on cable and you're bored. Watch grass grow -- you'll have a better time.

Movie Report: Hairspray

Hairspray retains a bit of the bite of John Waters' original film, but it's toned down and dressed up in candy colors for the musical version. I did have a lot of fun listening to the lyrics of the songs, though -- there are a few gems in there.

It would be nice to think that the U.S. is moving out of the neo-Con "there's only way to be OK" period, much like 1960s Baltimore does in this film.

The music is upbeat and charming, and all the performances are decent. Queen Latifah outsings almost everyone in the movie, but she's Queen Latifah, so that's to be expected. John Travolta wasn't as annoying as I thought he'd be, but I would have rather seen someone who would play the part as a woman, not a drag queen. Perhaps Divine and Harvey Firestein saw something in Edna that Travolta couldn't.

I would have liked to see more of Christopher Walken, though -- it was disappointing that he only got to sing and dance once. That being said, his duet with Travolta was my favorite song in the movie.

Sweetly satirical.

Movie Report: The Bourne Ultimatum

The Bourne Identity is one of my favorite action movies ever. This series kicks amazing amouts of ass. So of course I was down with some more Bourne action, yo!

And Ultimatum had everything it needed to be cool. I'm very happy, because if it had sucked I would have had to hunt someone down and do naughty things.

• Suspense? Check.
• Spy drama and lots of code words? Check.
• Ass-kicking? Check.
• At least one cool car chase? Check -- although I still say they can't top the Mini chase in Bourne Identity.
• Matt Damon in the role he'll be known for fifty years from now? Check.
• Julia Stiles showing all the drunken starlets in Hollywood today that cool elegance still works? Check.

So the movie rocked. The best spy thriller to hit theaters this year -- even a "ripped from the headlines" plotline about officials who feel they can kidnap, torture and kill with impunity didn't get too heavy handed or preachy.

But not all was excellent. ...

Because what in pie was up with the direction of the action scenes? I get that the director likes to use a camcorder, documentary style, but damn! Get a SteadyCam! There was a lot of great action in this movie -- too bad the viewers couldn't see most of it. By the end, I was supremely annoyed with the direction.

You coulda been practically perfect, Bourne Ultimatum. Better luck next time.

I Made It! Fetching

I bought enough yarn when I made Aibhlinn to make a matching pair of fingerless gloves.

I like the look of a nice pair of fingerless gloves. And I'm not a good enough knitter yet to make fingers.

I was also one of the last knitters in the world to use the Fetching pattern. It's a fast, fun knit -- I was done in a couple of days. This was my first time using double-pointed needles *and* attempting a cable, and I had surprisingly little trouble.

It was a practically perfect project, and I'll happily use the pattern again.

Hey designers! More things like Fetching!

Book Report: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

I had Harry Potter stress.

We'd just moved to Cali, the big day was drawing near, and I didn't have an order in for my book.

It didn't help that both our bank accounts were screwed for various reasons. So I didn't know which debit card to use. We were saving our precious cash for luxuries like food and gas, so I couldn't just drop $30 at the bookstore. The Amazon deadline had passed. I wasn't sure I had a permanent address.

What's a girl to do??

It all worked out, as these things tend to do. I did indeed have a home by Potter Day. I had a gift card from the nice people I worked with in Indiana. And miracle of miracles, the Borders in Los Gatos had copies of the book available on the afternoon of release day.

So I got my book, took it home, and entered what J calls my "Harry Potter Fugue State."

When I'm reading one of these books for the first time, I don't notice the world around me. People talk to me -- I don't hear them. Bombs land -- doesn't bother me. Climatic global change? Not an issue. I am reading my book, and it doesn't matter if you bother me, 'cause I won't notice anyway.

I started this 784-page monstrosity at about 4 p.m. on Potter Day. I finished it before I went to bed that night.

I'm not going to spoil it -- either you've read it, or you don't care. But my impression?

Spellbinding.

This was the epic capper that this series needed. I laughed, I cried a couple of times, I was struck by the strength, courage and nobility of these characters. I am thoroughly satisfied and can wish Harry, Hermione and Ron farewell without regret.

It was wonderful.

Is this the best series ever or some such drek like that? No. Rowling needs an editor, and she sometimes borrows so heavily from her influences that she can drift into the derivative.

But what she excels at is capturing the reader and transporting them into her world with a rip-roaring tale of adventure that's loaded with charm. And she loves these characters and this world, and her affection for them shines through. I'll read these books again and again.

You're never too old for magic.

I Made It! Aibhlinn

I wanted something warm and cozy to wear with my black leather jacket. So when I went to a sale at Mass Ave Knit Shop, I snapped up a bunch of Lana Grossa Joker (a nice, soft, hard-wearing superwash wool) in a beautiful dark red.

My ears get cold (or did, until I moved to California), but I hate tight winter hats. Aibhlinn was the way to go.

Other than switching to wool from cotton and not bothering to make a gauge swatch, I didn't alter the pattern at all. It was a fun, easy knit -- very soothing in what was a very stressful time.

And it's lovely. And very cozy. I like the cute little bobbles.

And now that I live in California, I wonder if it is ever going to be cold enough to wear it. Maybe I'll have to make a second one in cotton.

Movie Report: Transformers

Transformers! Commercial in disguise!

I wasn't planning on going to see this, because the trailer looked like Independence Day with big robots, and I'm not that big of a fan of Independence Day, aka "Something bad will happen to every female in this cast!"

But we heard some good things from friends and J and I wanted to celebrate having access to some of our money again (damn bank ... grrrr) so we hit a matinee.

Weird thing. I run into my boss outside the theater, the guy that some people who play our games call Zeus. Zeus is chillin' at the shopping center with his wife and kid, having a piece of coffeecake. Pantheons these days ... ;-)

I worked for The Star for almost 10 years, and I didn't run into any of my bosses anywhere. Guess they were big on action flicks and comic shops.

First the good stuff: The robots are f'ing cool. The action is non-stop.

Kids of the '80s will get a chill when they hear the original sound effects used in the transformations. John Turturro cracked me up. Bumblebee is smarter than his humans, and quite the pimp -- what does it say when the best characters in the movie are a Camero and a boombox?

And then there's the bad: Everything in this movie is a freaking product placement or advertisement -- how much did the U.S. military pay for its wet, sloppy kiss?

Almost every scene has something stolen from another action movie. The humans, for the most part, are idiots. Apparently most of them are also deaf and blind. All the personality was drained out of the Decepticons like old motor oil.

And the script blew chunks, mostly because it was riddled with "WTF?" moments. A teenage boy gets all huffy and upset because he finds out the smoking hot chick he's inexplicably hooking up with has a juvie record? I dare you to find me a 16-year-old boy in the same situation who wouldn't scream "Score! Bad girls are hot!"

WTF was up with the blond bimbo "computer analyst" and her dumb friends? Why did we spend so much screen time on noobs that the Scooby Doo gang could out-think?

A huge chunk of the movie is spent following the two factions as they race to find a map to the All-Spark. Naturally, we later find out that it was moved by the humans AFTER the map was made. But does that stop them from using the now invalid map to find it? Nope!

The military takes the All-Spark out of the desert and transports it to a highly-populated area why? Because nobody likes Nevada and they want to see it squished by giant robots?

So it was dumb. But strangely, I found it an enjoyable kind of dumb. Summer does things to your brain when you're watching movies.

Movie Report: Knocked Up

So my good buddy Paj was knocked out by the awesomeness of this movie, and his rant about it inspired me to go see it too.

While I'm not ready to carve this movie into a mountain, it was enjoyable.

I loved the assorted people at the nonstop house party at Seth Rogen's house. It reminded me of my life sometimes. Who are you and why are you on my couch? Eh ... who cares -- pass the Pop Tarts, please.

While this is not as slapsticky as The 40-Year-Old Virgin, it also didn't have me throwing things at my TV like Virgin did with its underlying message that you have to give up everything you are and everything you enjoy for a little touch.

I liked that all of the characters were flawed and real. I had the urge to smack Leslie Mann's pert little nose more than once, but that's for two reasons -- her voice gets on my nerves and I have little patience for the stupid games some women play. Insult a man and break him down until you can retrain him. Pulleezze!

It's nice that the characters grew and changed. It was a fun movie while it lasted. Thinking back on it now ... I don't know if it will stand up to the test of time.

If you didn't see it in the theater, it might be worth catching on cable.

I Made It! Fuzzy Feet

I wanted practice at making a sock-shaped object, but I wasn't ready for those itty-bitty needles and itty-bitty sock yarn.

I like to felt. I have feet. Ah-ha! I should make a pair of Fuzzy Feet!

A skein of apple green Cascade 220 and some size 9 double-pointed needles and I was in business.

I didn't have much trouble turning the heels, which is what everyone said was the hard part. Then I had to pick up stitches for the gussets, and well ...

OK. That was hard.

It didn't help that people who supposedly like me kept making fun of my poor sock-shaped objects, which were quickly named "the socks that monkeys made."

Sigh.

But I kept going. I am a knitting monkey! And when I was done knitting, I had a crazy pair of oversized ankle socks, shown here with my hecka cute cell phone for perspective.



But the miracle of felting is that you pop your crazy oversized object in the washer with some old jeans and towels, wash it a bunch of times and suddenly you have the cutest little pair of apple green slippers.



Aren't they adorable! I'm looking forward to it being cold enough to wear them.

But I'm still debating on whether to sew leather bottoms on them or use puffy paint or something to make them a little more slip-proof. Any ideas?

Movie Report: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

The kids are older. The story is darker. It's still magic.

I'm a fan of the novels, and so I have a critical eye for the movies. And this one clips along at such a breakneck pace it at times feels like an episode of "Hogwarts Hit Parade."

Yeah, all the key bits are there, but they're all rushed. But I don't think you could help that without making a 10-hour movie. Even without every little detail or phrasing I liked in the book, it's still a darn good show.

The acting is fabulous, the action is breath-taking and the emotion and connection that these kids have developed ... awww. It's touching. Umbridge is sooo dispicable, and Luna is so cool ...

I didn't like Cho very much, though -- thankfully you didn't see her much. And why did they have to make her the reason that Dumbledore's Army gets discovered? That didn't make much sense to me, except that maybe they were trying to wedge her into another scene.

I don't know if this is my favorite of the movies. Every time I see one, it's my favorite -- until I see the next one. I think I have to take them as parts of a body of work, and I can't pick a favorite.

I'll buy this one on DVD, but before that, I'm going to see it again in IMAX. I'll bet the battle in the Ministry of Magic will be something truly spectacular.

Movie Report: Live Free or Die Hard

We needed a break from moving. We needed air conditioning and cushy seats. And we needed some old-fashioned, American-style blow-em-up action.

Yippie Ki Yea, motherfu...

This could have been *terrible.* An aging Bruce Willis. A PG-13 rating. And then more trouble. Cyber terrorists? Timothy Olyphant?

Now, don't get me wrong, I loved Deadwood. But Olyphant had two expressions -- puppy dog lost and GRRRRR! There's a reason the fans on the message boards called his character "Clench."

Don't worry -- it all turned out OK. This movie's a fun, brainless flick, one that I'll gladly watch again on cable. The plot's a little silly, but when has *anyone* ever gone to a Die Hard movie for the plot? You barely notice people are talking!

But Olyphant is no Alan Rickman. Get a new expression, Clench!

Willis pulls off a surprisingly physical performance. And since he knows this character spot-on after four movies, he's exactly the John McClain you expect -- he just swears less. (PG-13 rating, remember?) McClain's teenage sidekick is not as annoying as I thought he'd be, although the bit about wanting to stop and eat got old fast.

Lots of big stunts and explosions, and mercifully, what appears to be a limited use of CGI. It's there in the jet bit, but you don't sit through the movie picking out what's "real" and what's digital.

This movie kicks Die Hard 2's ass. OK, that's not hard, but ...

If you're in the mood for explosions and catchphrases, with a cameo by Kevin Smith (look at me, I'm in a f'ing Die Hard movie!) -- you can't go wrong with this one.

Movie Report: Mr. Brooks

There's pretty much no way I would have seen this first-run if it hadn't been the second movie at the drive-in.

The expectations are lower for a second movie. So it wasn't half bad.

I can't remember a movie I've liked Kevin Costner in since his Dances with Wolves days. This time, thankfully, he played against type as an uptight, buttoned-down, white-bread box factory owner ... who just happens to be a serial killer.

But he doesn't *want* to be a serial killer. So he goes to AA meetings and prays a lot, and makes pots in his crazy-elaborate pottery studio. Then he kills people.

William Hurt gets the best part in the movie as Brooks' murderous alter-ego. And he appears to be having a grand time making smart-ass comments and urging Brooks to commit some damage. He's funny and wicked, and this would have been a very dreary flick without him.

And then there's Dane Cook. I despise Cook when he attempts to do comedy. He is possibly the most un-funny person ever to get famous doing stand-up, and I have no idea why people watch his shit. But here he's doing stalker creepy, and it works. Maybe his future is in acting ... maybe he's a creepy stalker for real. Only time will tell.

The plot? Overly elaborate. Demi Moore's "woe is me, I'm a millionaire cop" bit was unnecessary and tiresome. At times the script reminded me of a film school exercise to see how many random elements (serial killer no. 2, dumb daughter, phalandering ex-husband, skanky lawyer) could be tied up in one overarching plot.

My B.S. meter was going off constantly (How could Brooks' wife be *that* oblivious? Was she on drugs?) but if you ignored all that, it was a fun, twisty little play for people who like to root for the bad guy.

If Costner stops trying to play the nice guy all the time, he just might have a career again.

Movie Report: 1408

I've been keeping a list of the reviews I need to do since the move and all borked up my blogging, and I've got *a ton* of them to catch up on.

So I'll put it to my three readers -- do you want to see these, or should I just move on?

Until then ...

Before we left Indiana, I wanted one last trip to one of my favorite Indy places, the Tibbs Drive-In.

It's a great drive-in theater -- good management, good upkeep, the sound quality is decent (they run it through your car stereo) and the bathrooms aren't scary. And the corn dogs and fries always make for a tasty dinner.

Normally, I'm not big on movie concession stands, having seen too much of how they work when John was working at a movie theater. Anyone want some popcorn that was popped two weeks ago and stored in a closet? But there aren't many drive-ins left, and they don't make any money on tickets. All that cash goes to the movie studios. So if you go to a drive-in, be nice and hit the concession stand.

It was a Saturday night and it was threatening to rain, but we went anyway. And it rained. Big time. But since we were in our cozy Hyundai, it didn't bother us at all.

Movies based on Stephen King stories can be hit or miss. Some are good (Carrie, The Shining), some aren't worth the film they're printed on (Dreamcatcher or whatever that complete piece of shite was called.) But 1408 had John Cusack, and I adore John Cusack, so we decided to give it a chance.

You don't see many movies like this anymore. Scary does not have to equal giant buckets of gore.

Cusack plays a writer with the all-too-common hints of a tragic past. These days he makes a living writing travel books about haunted places, even though he doesn't believe in any of it.

B.S. alert -- If I could make a decent enough living as a haunted travel writer to have a cool apartment near the beach in Cali and surf all the time, I'd do it in a second. There's not that much money in those kind of books.

When he gets a postcard with a cryptic message about a haunted hotel room, he packs his bags and demands a night in Room 1408.

Enter Samuel L. Jackson, who plays the hotel manager. His job in this movie is to be mysterious, give a bunch of exposition and offer Cusack some expensive booze. He does his job very well.

Since most of the movie is set in a run-down hotel room, I was impressed at the beautiful cinematography, which did everything from ice whites and blues to a sickly, scary green. I'd like to thank the rainstorm too, for tossing in some thunder and lightning at key points of the film. It made it even better.

This isn't the "BOO!" kind of scary. It builds and builds. You don't know what's coming, but you know it's bad, and you want to get away, but you can't. Fabulous suspense, and some nice twists. The best scares are psychological.

In the end, what you get is an excellent little horror film without the tired, played-out cliches filling flicks like Saw. I have a feeling that this film will be missed by a lot of horror fans, and that's too bad.

1408 is well worth a reservation.

Hoosier Cali Girl

I love California!

But I don't understand it. Not yet, anyway.

Los Gatos ... wow. Very upscale, with a relaxed, artist vibe. It's what towns near Indy like Carmel and Zionsville want to be, but fail miserably at.

There's Lamborgini and Bentley dealerships here, ya'll! Everyone's got a cute kid or a cuter purebred dog and a platinum credit card. Everytime we walk around the adorable little downtown area, I half expect someone to ask to see my W-2 and then tell me I'm gonna have to leave.

Santa Cruz ... I love Santa Cruz. I can't believe I live less than a half an hour from the ocean. I can't believe I forgot my camera! We went there to see "The Lost Boys," which was filmed on the boardwalk, and had a great time. We'll go back a lot ... as soon as I get over the $10 parking fee.

In N Out Burger ... Best fries EVER!!!

Closing time ... Where are the 24-hour stores? Even *Wal-Mart* closes early here! It's crazy! So much for the go-go-go California lifestyle -- if you're not there by 10 p.m., it's closed.

Sometimes a girl wants ice cream at midnight. It's not fair.

The traffic ... What traffic? I see the back-ups on TV, but everything here is so close and convenient that it took us almost three weeks to use a tank of gas, and that was with getting lost all the time.

Questions ... How does everything stay so green when it never rains? Why are there three auto repair shops for every car? Where are the banks with drive-through lanes? How does anyone get anything done with the stupid bank rules? (Holding all deposits for seven days in the first 30 days of a new account. Grrrr.)

This is going to be quite an adventure.