Movie Report: Spider-Man 3

OK, so I went to see it. So did everyone else in the entire country -- did you see the box office totals?

It's tough for me to totally catagorize this movie, because I'm looking at it in a couple of ways: as a standalone popcorn flick, and as part of the Spidey series.

As a standalone flick, it ain't bad. Cool action, lots of fights and big stuff getting smashed -- typical summer blockbuster.

As part of the Spidey series ... sigh. After the uber coolness that was Doc Ock and Spider-Man 2, we get this?

Peter's emo. Mary Jane's emo. Harry's emo. They stand around for much of the movie and whine about how emo they are. And the sheer number of emotional scenes must have worn the actors out, because in parts they're barely reading the lines. Any acting talent has been beaten out of them.

I'm still unsure how to take the "Dark Peter" bit in the center of the film. Was it parody, or *exceptionally* bad acting? Dark Peter has bad hair and bad eyeliner, and looks like a mathlete at a Cure concert. He reminds me of a cross between a high school nerd and Quagmire from Family Guy -- to the point that J and I were cracking "giggity-giggity" jokes in the theater.

And the jazz club sequence? Was that a cut scene from The Nutty Professor? I think Tobey Maguire owes Jerry Lewis royalities.

But to the bad guys ...

Goblin Jr.: Wicked cool. I liked the updated look, and the actor was the best one in the movie. This storyline could have carried the entire film, and been a satisfying wrap-up to the trilogy.

Sandman: Thomas Hayden Church looked the part and was good as the Sandman. The special effects were cool. The update to his story made him more sympathetic. But the character was *completely* unncessary, and should have been saved for another film.

I hate, hate, hate it when Hollywood execs think they have to cram a superhero's entire rogue's gallery into two hours, and then kill 'em all off in the finale.

Venom: Should have gotten his own picture. Eddie Brock was changed to make him less sympathetic, and I disliked that. The liquidy special effects were cool -- the "just like Spidey" only blacker wasn't. The should have altered Topher Grace's voice when he was Venom, and WTF was up with those scraggly racoon teeth?

Gwen Stacey: Why was she even in this movie? "Hi, I'm Gwen!" "Ahh, I'm falling!" SMOOCH! "Is that your girlfriend?" "Bye!!!" Totally pointless, and a complete waste of Gwen and Captain Stacey.

Ursula: Awwww. Makes cookies. Peter should dump MJ and hook up with her.

But the sign of a good movie can be learning something. And I did learn a few things from Spider-Man 3:

• If you have a super-expensive, super-science experiment that involves flashing big lights at a pile of sand, don't have a video monitor pointed at the sand so you can see what it's doing.
• These same scientists also believe there are 250-pound birds ... in New Jersey.
• Alien symbiotes make you crave cookies with nuts.
• If you're a superhero, you can do *anything* to your girl and she'll forgive you before the credits roll.
• Just because the hero blows it up, it doesn't mean it's dead.
• A bump on the head and a kind word from a butler can totally get rid of a villain's motivation.
• Who needs 40 years of comics continuity when you can connect Sandman to the death of Uncle Ben?
• Stan Lee and Bruce Campbell are teh leet coolness. Their cameos were *perfect*, for completely different reasons.