Movie Report: Drillbit Taylor (2008)

John Hughes (yeah, *that* John Hughes) was one of the writers of this film, using a pseudonym. Of course I was going to go see it!

And yes, it was cute, in a Hughesian sort of way.

This story has been done before -- nerdy kids hire a bodyguard to protect them from school bullies. But with the genuine comic talent of Owen Wilson and some not-so-annoying kid actors, this works.

There's some good bits from the kids (the shirts, hitting each other, the rap scene) but for the most part Wilson carries this movie as he bullshits his way through something his character has no business doing, and finds that he actually likes doing it. Wilson holding the flaming diorama up to the sprinklers was a great image.

There's a marvelous cameo by Adam Baldwin, and I was psyched to see Lisa Lampanelli, and then disappointed when she only had two, short scenes.

Nice to see the Judd Apatow crew tackle a PG-13 flick -- but I'll admit that their raunchier stuff is funnier.

This movie's got heart, but it's not going to change the world.

Movie Report: An American in Paris (1951)

Ah, the age of Hollywood musicals. Big, bright and beautiful.

Gene Kelly plays an American GI in post-war Paris, trying to make it as a painter. He's torn between the rich American woman who wants to "sponsor" him, and the adorable French girl (Leslie Caron) that he loves. And then ... ah, forget it. The plot's silly, and it doesn't matter anyway. All this movie was created for was an opportunity to have pretty, talented people sing and dance to Gershwin songs.

So there is much singing. And much dancing. The sets are gorgeous, as are the costumes. (Interesting fact, this was filmed on MGM's back lot, not on location in Paris. Hard to tell.)

But the showpiece of the film, an extended ballet sequence set to Gershwin's tone poem An American in Paris, is just tossed in at the end with no lead-up or explanation at all. It's sorta like ... "Damn -- what do we do now? Hell with it -- just let Gene dance for twenty minutes."

And after that, the movie's just *over*. It's jarring and odd, and it takes away from how lovely the work was up until that point.

Movie Report: A Tale of Two Cities (1935)

Charles Dickens' novels are just too big for your standard movie. There are too many characters, there is too much going on, there are too many paths of interconnectivity and coincidence to tread ...

So most moviemakers tackling Dickens do what David O. Selznick did -- cut that puppy until it fits in a nice, neat movie-style package.

Now we get the story of two French families in pre-revolutionary France and England. Lucy Mannette was raised in England after her father was imprisoned in France. She meets and marries Charles Darnay, who is really the nephew of a French aristocrat.

Darnay gets captured and put on trial for spying, but is rescued by the brilliant, drunken lawyer Sidney Carton, who's madly in love with Lucy and the best damn character in the movie and the book.

Years later the revolution is in full swing and its a very dangerous place to be for anyone with any ties to the aristocracy. Of course, this is the *perfect* time for Darnay to head back to his old stomping grounds, dragging the entire cast of the film with him. Seriously -- you know its dangerous. You know they'll try their damnest to kill you and everyone associated with you? Why bring the kids and a cast of thousands along??

Ronald Coleman is absolutely wonderful as Carton, who sacrifices himself to save this bunch of doofuses because he loves them, even if they are stupid. Character actress Edna May Oliver brings strength and sass to a thankless role as Lucy's governess. And my eye kept drifting to Madame Defarges' funky knitting.

One of the better film adaptations of Dickens work, but read the novel anyway.

Movie Report: American Psycho (2000)

Huey Lewis and News have never been so disturbing.

Patrick Bateman has it all -- a beautiful fiancee (and a beautiful mistress), a perfect apartment, a perfect job and perfect business cards. But he's also a heartless, emotionless void -- a serial killer who slaughters in a futile attempt to satisfy his lust for blood. He's a monster in a Brooks Brothers suit. He's barely human.

American Psycho was a violent, disturbing novel, and this is a violent, disturbing movie. But it also plays up the satire -- when Patrick is chopping up a business associate with a gleaming chromed ax to the sounds of 80s pop, you can't help but ... be amused. Is murder supposed to be funny? This movie says it can be.

Christian Bale takes on a difficult subject -- a completely remorseless killer, someone who the audience can't and won't identify with -- and does a fabulous job. We get to look into a fragile and insecure mind.

This movie pulls no punches, but don't be afraid to laugh when something's funny. Look what emotional repression did to Patrick.

I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.

Movie Report: The Other Boleyn Girl (2008)

Of course I had to see this. Elizabethan drama? Helloooo!

Kinda weird, though -- seeing this right as the second season of The Tutors starts on Showtime. So I kept mentally comparing them, even though I didn't want to.

When about 15 years are squished into two hours, of course there are going to be historical problems. Add to that that Hollywood doesn't give a damn about accuracy, and anyone going to this to see the "real story" of Anne, Mary and Henry will be disappointed.

But that's not what they were trying to make. They were trying to make an engaging bodice-ripper of a movie. Did they succeed?

I don't know. The characters were all gorgeous, of course -- but too stereotypical. Mary was *too* perfect. Anne was *too* scheming and devilish. Henry was *too* obsessed with his penis. And Anne and Mary's brother -- geeze, what was up with that?

And the rape scene? Yes, Henry was obsessed with getting a male heir ... and his penis. But for all we know, he did love Anne. If he didn't, if she was just another conquest, why in the world go to such lengths to have her? To marry her? Bed her and move on!

Crazy over-the-top acting and writing. Beautiful costumes and scenery. I'll probably watch it again on cable (because yes, I am obsessed with Elizabethan movies) but it's not a classic. It's not even a DVD must-buy.

Movie Report: Run, Fatboy Run (2008)

I like Simon Pegg's movies.

This time he and his cohorts take on the romantic comedy. Pegg plays a loser security guard who leaves his impossibly hot, charming, loving and very pregnant girlfriend at the altar.

Fast forward a few years, and he's got a cute son he obviously adores, a mad crush on the now ex-girlfriend, and still doesn't have a life. When ex-girl gets a rich, handsome, seemingly perfect American suitor, loser's gotta step up and prove himself.

It's a vanilla story, but it works well. The cast is funny and the script is packed with lots of good bits. The kid is cute without being annoying. Hank Azaria *is* annoying as the American, Whit, but I think he was supposed to be.

Pegg does these nerd turned hero movies well. And it plays into a little wish-fulfillment for a lot of his fans. Seriously, if I could take on zombies with a cricket bat once, I'd so do it.

Not as slapsticky as Shawn of the Dead or Hot Fuzz, but well worth the evening price I paid to go.

Classic British comedy.

Anime Report: Silent Mobius 1

So anime fans -- you ever have that experience where you know *nothing* about a show, but you keep seeing it on the DVD racks and it looks kinda interesting? And one day it's on sale?

That is how I now own Silent Mobius.

And it's cool in a 1990s, Bubblegum Crisis, Sol Bianca kind of way. Basically you've got a group of female officers, all with troubled pasts that are good for extended flashback sequences, fighting a secret war against Threat to the Planet No. 67.

This time we're in a post-apocalyptic Tokyo, where giant magic monsters from another dimension like to pop out of shadows and eat people. Fighting these "Lucifer Hawks" are the Attack Mystification Police, lead by Katsumi Liqueur (nope, I'm not making that name up), a shy secretary turned ass-kicking mage. She's also the daughter of the mage who let all these nasty critters into Tokyo in the first place.

Good and gothic, with great environmental designs. The characters are appealing, but could be interchanged with characters from any number of animes from this era. Still, it seems like they're laying the groundwork for a decent story here.

Worth a watch, but I wouldn't pay full price.

Movie Report: Bedlam (1946)

Val Lewton gets the rare chance to work on a period piece. He still has a budget of about 12 bucks.

A spirited "wit" in the 1800s meets a Quaker who reforms her thinking and crosses her rich, stupid nobleman benefactor. Her efforts to improve the lives of the inmates of an insane asylum get her tossed in there herself.

This film survives for two reasons -- Lewton is a genius, and the head of the asylum is Boris Karloff, in a role that's not quite horror but perfectly suited to his talents. He's menacing, brutish and thoroughly wicked. I enjoyed disliking his character, and that's a sign of a good villain.

Watch this on a cold, rainy afternoon or gloomy night to set the mood.

Movie Report: Wild Hogs (2007)

Sweetie had wanted to see this in the theaters last year, but we didn't, so we caught it on cable.

No great loss -- saved 14 bucks.

If you know your mediocre genre comedy at all, you could map this one out without ever seeing a frame of film. Middle-aged buddies dealing with life's hassles try to get their groove back. Add a sorta-bad gang headed up by Ray Liotta, a gay cop, and a love interest for the shy divorced guy, and you've got yourselves a movie!

I'll bet that this flick was pitched as "City Slickers on motorcycles." They probably spent more time negotiating the product placement deals than writing the script.

But you do have solid chemistry among the cast, and a well-chosen soundtrack. The bull slapping scene is hysterical, and William H. Macy easily steals the show from his co-stars. The rampant homophobia was cringe-worthy, but honestly -- in a film like this, do you expect anything else. Sad, but true.

Nothing new, but it's better than a documentary on shoes.

Movie Report: The Leopard Man (1943)

A moody, atmospheric piece, The Leopard Man, like so many of Val Lewton's movies, depends on what it doesn't show more than what it does.

After a nightclub performer's leopard gets loose, three tragic murders occur. Is it the cat, or something more sinister?

This isn't as brilliant as Cat People, but its dripping with atmosphere. The New Mexico landscapes are exotic (for the 1940s, anyway) and desolate, the shadows are deep, and the sense of nighttime isolation adds to the suspense. A tacked on whodunit detracts from the drama, but I guess the screenwriters thought they needed something for the pretty white people (the nightclub dancer and her boyfriend) to do.

Val Lewton's B-movies are one of the foundations of modern horror and suspense. Watch them and learn.

Movie Report: The Bank Job (2008)

Jason Statham has almost become a guilty pleasure.

Some of his movies are good, some are horrendous. Luckily, The Bank Job is one of the good ones.

Statham is playing one of his patented small-time hustlers, this time a family man with a wife and daughters, a failing business and a penchant for criminal activity. When a babelicious woman from his past brings him and his loser buddies a chance to loot a bank vault and get away with millions in untraceable cash and gems, they're not quite smart enough to see it's a set up.

Set in swinging London of the 1970s, what starts as a slow (almost too slow) character piece ramps up into a funny, action packed heist caper/conspiracy drama. There's spies and black radicals and gangsters and a madam, and somehow they're all after what this bunch of saps has. Who would have thought that naughty pictures of a princess would be so valuable?

Starts slow, ends a little too neatly, but the middle is top-notch. And truth is always stranger than fiction.

Book Report: Reading Like a Writer

I'm terribly amused by an author and writing instructor whose last name is "Prose." Giggle with me.

OK, now that we've had our moment, this book is a good reminder to slow down when reading and really savor what a good author can do. Learn from it. Understand why they pick the words they pick, and why a sentence is constructed in just that way.

Prose says that through close reading, the reader can not only understand what an author is saying, but what he or she is implying. She uses lots of examples from literature to back up her thesis, but then again, if I chose my literature examples carefully enough, I could use them to prove a thesis that says yellow bunnies are the secret rulers of the Earth.

It proves a point, but it doesn't make that point a rule. It's obvious that Prose is absolutely passionate about literature, though, and that passion carries the theory a long way.

So I would say that this book is not necessarily a handbook, but rather a love letter to the mysterious alchemy that is a wonderful book. Take time to enjoy it.

Movie Report: The Seventh Victim (1943)

Val Lewton rocks.

He took tiny budgets and ridiculous time lines and made sleek, stylish thrillers. Sometimes the plots are a bit odd, but they're tons better than all of the B-movie drek being produced today.

The Seventh Victim has Kim Hunter as a young girl searching for her missing sister in New York. She then winds her way through a truly trippy experience, meeting wayward poets and learning that her sister has left her lawyer fiance, sold her business, likes to play at committing suicide and is mixed up in a satanic cult.

Pacifist satanists. Let that one sink in for a minute.

What's great about this movie, like many of Lewton's films, is the imagery. Dark streets, shadows and fog, a room empty except for a chair and a noose -- this is great stuff. The scene where Jacqueline is being stalked by the man with the switchblade is genuinely frightening.

Oozing with atmosphere.

Movie Report: Memoirs of a Geisha (2005)

Everything about this movie is so beautiful, you want to savor it, and drink it in like fine wine.

There are scenes where the color bleeds off the scene, and ones that looks like portraits. Kimonos have never looked so glorious. And the dance scene is sad, wild and captivating.

That being said, it's almost too pretty, because you never forget that its a movie. I didn't fall into it the way I can with a really exceptional film. And the actresses, while all very strong, were not Japanese and they were missing a certain ... delicacy, maybe?

I like the movie because it is so beautiful, and because it gives a glimpse into the world of the geisha. But an immensely satisfying novel got cut into a good-and-evil battle wrapped in silk, and that was disappointing. I bought the DVD (used) not because I love the story, but rather because once in a while I want to see something lovely. And because I'm a sucker for DVD extras.

Beautiful, but not breathtaking.

Movie Report: Curse of the Cat People (1944)

Because I'm so fond of Cat People, once I heard there was a sequel I had to see it.

Well, it's sort of a sequel. Kinda. Maybe. Not really.

But that doesn't mean it's a bad movie. It's just not a sequel to my beloved Cat People.

What this movie is, though, is something extremely rare: A movie that lets you see through a child's eyes, rather than showing an adult view of what he or she *thinks* a child sees.

The All-American sap of the first movie has remarried and had a daughter. Now he's an All-American doof of a dad, berating her for not being popular and "normal," like the other kids and punishing her for preferring her solitary, fantasy life in the backyard.

So Amy is isolated and lonely, and when a beautiful lady befriends her she's overjoyed at having found a connection. Of course, the fact that said beautiful lady is the now-deceased Irena kind of freaks dear old dad out.

Magical and dreamy, this is more fairy tale than horror flick. Watch it on a cold night or rainy afternoon and revel in half-remembered feelings of childhood.

Movie Report: 10,000 B.C. (2008)

I so wanted to like this movie. I really did.

I guess I'll have to learn to live with disappointment. Because what was a really cool idea ended up as kind of a hot mess.

So to save you $10, I'll tell you what happens.

We start with a noble, multiracial (not sure about that one) hunter-gatherer tribe -- if by hunter-gatherer you mean stay in one place all year waiting for the wooly mammoths to wander by, so you can kill one and eat mammoth meat until the next one shows up.

The tribe's led by an old Eskimo woman predicting doom and gloom, and our hero's dad takes off for slightly less doom. The hero grows up, falls in love with the hottest chick in the tribe and hunts mammoths, if by hunts you mean manages by some miracle not to get trampled and stabs it on accident.

This blissful (?) existence is shattered when Arab horsemen come looking for slaves. They snatch up a bunch of people, including the hot chick, and take off. Of course the hero has to search for the hot chick, so he, an old hunter and a kid sidekick take off.

They cross the Alps, and find themselves in a tropical jungle, where they are attacked by giant chickens. Don't ask me to explain this -- I can't.

They go from jungle to desert and run into some African tribesmen, who have been attacked by the Arabs too. The tribesmen knew Hero's dad, who taught them Europe's only language.

There's a bunch of stuff with a sabertooth tiger, who apparently has no taste for Heroes and is almost as loyal as a Disney character.

The tribesmen and Hero and his guys decide to team up and fight the Arabs. There is one really cool image of the Arab's beautiful ships, which was almost worth the price of the matinee.

Then instead of following the river, which might have food and water, the band decides to strike out across an enormous desert. They wander around until they get the idea to follow the north star, which leads to slavers' camps as well as Santa's workshop.

So they follow the star to ... a pyramid? With lots of slaves and some desert-dwelling wooly mammoths working to build things for some Egyptian/Atlantean/Alien guy with long pointy fingernails.

Hero guy steals a scene from Braveheart, and the slaves rebel. Big fight, then he steals a scene from 300 and throws a spear at Egyptian/Atlantean/Alien guy.

Alien guy and some albinos run for their ship, which is inside a pyramid and no where near water. Slaves kill them a lot, but hot chick dies.

Far, far away, old Eskimo woman dies, and that brings hot chick back to life.

The tribesmen give the hunter-gatherers seeds to crops that somehow grew in a desert. The hunter-gatherers walk home (shoulda save one of those ships) and plant the seeds at the base of a glacier. Where they grow.

I don't think I'm going to buy the DVD.

Movie Report: Topper (1937)

A zany, glittering comedy, Topper is supernatural without a hint of suspense or horror.

When the hard-drinking, fast-living, glamorous Kirbys (Constance Bennett and Cary Grant) crash their fancy car and kill themselves, there's not a hint of blood or distress. But because they have never done a good deed -- or any really bad ones, they're stuck on Earth until they do.

So they get the idea of livening up the life of their staid banker friend Cosmo Topper. Cosmo is a quiet, hen-pecked man living a quiet, respectful life. In a few days, he's visiting speakeasies, downing Pink Ladies, getting into fights and getting arrested. And he's having the time of his life.

Bennett and Grant provide the glamour and loads of charm. Roland Young, as Topper, steals the movie with some wonderful physical comedy as he's being dragged around and manipulated by the invisible ghosts. Billie Burke is great as Topper's controlling, yet loving and confused wife. And wonderful special effects (for the time) mean that the story doesn't have to suffer for the visuals.

Add a fabulous big-band soundtrack (with an appearance by Hoagy Carmichael) and Topper is non-stop fun.

One of the best of the 1930s comedies, and an absolute must-see.

Movie Report: Love Affair (1939)

One of the all-time classic movie romances, Love Affair has inspired a slew of other films. So the film student in me had to watch the original.

It's got some good points -- the acting is superb. The characters are very believable and seem "real," at least through the first half of the movie. There's no clear "bad guy" -- even the guy Irene Dunne is trying to leave isn't a jerk.

So here the premise: French playboy and ex-lounge singer, both on their way to get married, meet on a cruise ship and fall in love. A port sequence where the playboy takes his new sweetie up into a enchanted cottage to meet his charming (fairy) grandmother (Maria Ouspenskaya, in the movie's strongest performance) is the best thing about the movie. She's serene, sad and otherworldly -- it's worth watching for these scenes alone.

So the lovers return to New York, and vow to meet again in six months -- when they've proven that they can be together as equals. Dunne dumps her rich boyfriend, moves away and starts supporting herself again. The playboy (Charles Boyer) breaks up with his meal-ticket fiancee and gets a job. All is going well until ...

Irene Dunne, and the whole damn movie, get hit by a car.

OK, so she's paralyzed. I get that. She's emo. I get that too. But she'd rather have the man she loves forever think that she stood him up practically at the altar as opposed to saying "sorry I couldn't make it honey -- I GOT HIT BY A CAR!"

I think he'd probably give her a pass for tardiness. SHE GOT HIT BY A CAR.

So we get a long, ridiculous sequence of Dunne being emo and in a wheelchair, and Boyer being emo and dumped. Add in some 1930s too-good-to-be-true Hollywood orphans and this movie has moved 90 degrees away from good.

It's supposed to be a fairy tale, but it all could have been cleared up with a phone call. Why, in movies and in real life, are people who are supposed to be in love so adamantly opposed to speaking to one another?

Starts strong, ends silly. Oh, and Turner Classic Movies' print of this is lousy. I wonder if there's a remastered version out there without all the scratches, skips and sound problems.

Movie Report: The Lake House (2006)

Normally, I have a rule that prohibits me from watching Sandra Bullock movies. Because 90 percent of them are *terrible.*

But something about The Lake House intrigued me, so I ignored the fact that it starred Sandra Bullock and the amazingly wooden Keanu Reeves and gave it two hours on a lazy Saturday evening.

From what I understand, no one gets this movie. And I don't get that, because it's not that hard. Let me explain:

1. Sandra is in 2006.
2. Keanu is in 2004.
3. Their time periods are not mutually exclusive.

Got it? Sandra can tell Keanu where she was in 2004, and Keanu can cross her path, but the 2004 version of Sandra will have no clue who Keanu is. Makes sense, right? So the trick is that the 2006 version of Sandra has to figure out where the 2006 version of Keanu is so that they can meet in Keanu's future (Sandra's present).

See? Not that hard!

Anyway, what you get is a sweet, slow romantic fantasy. There are some lapses in logic and a few plot holes you could drive a truck through, but I think you were supposed to ignore all that. I did, chalking it up to the troubles with time travel, which very few writers do well.

And if you turn off your brain, Lake House is okey-dokey. Not stellar, not even really good, but not nearly as sucky as something like Hope Floats.

I won't buy the DVD, but I won't poke out my own eyes to keep from watching it again, either.

Movie Report: Three Days of the Condor (1975)

Robert Redford stars in this stellar suspense flick as a bookish, New York researcher who's got one of the coolest jobs I've ever heard of -- he reads novels and other published material and searches them for references to the CIA.

He's come up with a scenario of an "agency inside the agency." His boss doesn't buy it, but he dutifully sends it to Washington for review. The problem? It's true.

So in a brutal hit, everyone at the research office is eliminated. Redford survives by a fluke -- he's out picking up lunch at the time. Now he's on the run, and he's not even sure why all these people are trying to kill him.

The tension never lets up, and Redford's character must survive assassination attempt after assassination attempt, all the while realizing that there's no one, not even his friends, that he can trust. Forced to turn to a stranger for help, he kidnaps a girl out of a shop (Faye Dunaway, who's less annoying than normal). But she doesn't believe him either.

A cat-and-mouse game where the mouse is very small but very smart and all the cat have great big guns -- Condor has a twisty plot reminiscent of Hitchcock, a great Cold War vibe and is the granddaddy of dozens of conspiracy flicks.

You might have to hunt for it, but it would be a good add to your Netflix list.

Movie Report: In Bruges (2008)

Nice to see Colin Farrell doing something besides drink heavily and be naughty.

Now he's in a movie ... drinking heavily and being naughty.

Farrell plays Ray, a hitman hiding out in Belgium after a job goes bad. He's a miserable bastard who's miserable in Bruges, a fairytale medieval town full of castles and canals. His partner, Ken, convinces him to give it a chance (and that they've got a job there), but what you get is Ray shooting off his mouth (and other things) and making everything from a chance encounter in front of a cathedral to a date go horribly, horribly wrong.

But it's not just comedy. The interjection of Ray and Ken's boss Harry makes the film take a serious, yet profanity filled turn. And Farrell gets to stretch his acting legs as a man who's not only a miserable prat, but miserable over the wrongs he's done.

Every time you think you've got a handle on this movie, it throws a curve ball. First it's a talky character piece, then a comedy, then a rumination on life and death, then a shoot-'em-up action flick. It never loses its charm. The end is a bit grim, but when it's tied into the whole of the picture, you understand how you got there, and why it had to end that way.

Well worth a watch.